scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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What would happen if you broke free and went for a walk?

I have actually done that, one of my parents usually follows me and throws a fit over it. It makes my mom rage because she thinks I'm disrespecting them and she will yell at me for days whenever she gets that mad, even waking me up to yell at me. They don't put their hands on me at all to stop me though after I turned 18, because they know they legally cannot prevent me from going places by myself anymore.

My patience is running thin and the next time they say "no" to me taking a walk I'm considering just letting them psycho out and dealing with the aftermath. I have dealt with worse.

Were their parents strict?

I'd just get up when they're watching tv or something, and take the dog for a walk. Act like it's the most normal thing in the world. "Wait, what? I can't walk the dog?! Why's that? ..."

Actually the opposite. They use that as an excuse by going, "We wished our parents cared about us enough to be strict like this," and I'm always just thinking, "I bet if they were I would never hear the end of it like I never hear the end of that."

Also, our dog passed in September, but I could take our lard cat Pepper for a walk... "It's for her own good, mom." lol

Oh I'm sorry. I was thinking of your brother's dog.

Maybe they should read the studies which show children of strict parents get into more trouble than children who are given reasonable levels of freedom, taught how to stay safe, and entrusted with open communication.

I have tried to mention that, and teachers and therapists have mentioned that before too when they figured out I don't socialize much.

I think they are aware, but their logic is that since I'm not going anywhere anyways that it isn't their issue. They also say I am responsible enough they don't have to worry about that, but if they don't worry why keep me at home!

-.124
dreading trying to sleep tonight in terms of being able [please god] of finding a position that is sufficiently low-pain that i can fall asleep without too much painful tossing and turning.

I really hope that you are able to find at least some relief from pain, and get some well needed rest. Pain interfering with sleep is one of the most frustrating things to deal with.

thank you for reading and caring

-10

Dang it! I just found out someone matched with me on the Ever app despite how unproductive it generally is for me but because my phone was on silent, I didn’t get the notice and because I didn’t answer in time, I got de-matched. I missed a chance to talk to someone and potentially get a date. My day is already ruined and it just barely started. Just when I felt like I needed to reduce my screen time, this happens.

EDIT: The app sent another notice that I’ve been rematched and I opened the app but I don’t see the other person on it.

-10

Why does it feel like I can’t be sad when I have reasons to feel the way I do? I don’t want to be unhappy but I can’t fake happiness or pretend I don’t struggle.

-2 (really mixed today)

Do not let people who expect you to be just like them get the better of you even more.

Your emotions are absolutely completely valid and natural, even negative emotions. There’s nothing wrong with expressing negative emotions too, in fact it’s better if you do express negative emotions as well, even if you do so in private to avoid other people’s reactions to it. Sometimes a good cry, screaming into a pillow, or writing things in a journal (so you can get them out without worrying what other people might think) is exactly what’s needed.

-6 Still feeling hopeless, but at least I’m feeling like I definitely won’t be acting on the suicidal/self-harm urges, which is an improvement. But with the past few weeks, my dreams of ever living on my own crumbled to dust and were scattered over the ocean by a strong wind, then eaten by a fish that thought it was plankton... and then what comes naturally after that.

I wish you could express the "biologist" in you more often.....

Do you still study biology much?

Ever think about those illuminated, electrical-type creatures in the "depths" of the oceans?