Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselling Thread

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I think there is some truth in what you are saying there, and yet no, and as you say, this is not what would typically be called a drinking problem.

Alcohol can be a stimulant as well as a depressant, and your body has possibly become somewhat dependent upon the alcohol simply as a necessary stimulant. There might be something far better and ultimately "safer" for helping you a bit there, but I know very little about nutrition, other medications and so on.

I just got caught for marijuana possession. Got a court hearing for the 13th.

Let us know how that goes, and maybe some of us can help a bit if you get sent to some kind of meetings ...

... and welcome to WP!

Im only 20 and I drink everyweekend by myself. Im afriad once I turn 21, its going to be a daily thing. I know I need help but I think it will be no use. Both are my parrents were alcoholics and most of my siblings are too..

I live in Vegas on my own, and when I drink, all I want to do is go the the strip club. I spend so much money.. one weekend I blew a grand at the club

Having alcoholism in your family does not necessarily mean you will find you have the same problem, but it does give good reason to keep an eye on one's drinking.

Alcoholism is considered progressive, and it has signposts along the way. First we drink simply because we like the effect, and some people can safely do that for the remainders of their lives. For some of us, however, the alcohol eventually begins "taking over" and taking us to places we never wanted to go.

I first had a desire to drink for the effect, but then later began having a desire to again be able to drink safely as alcohol began taking over my drinking. Your concern about what your drinking might eventually become would make me think you have a desire to drink safely, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that ...

... but if you ultimately find you cannot always control how much (and/or how often) you drink, A.A. shares the experience of learning how to live without ever again needing the effect of even just one drink.

I smoke weed almost every day to deal with depression. The idea is that I'll be high long enough to distract me from how I really feel inside.

Yes, other people looked good to me, and I wanted to feel like they looked.

Welcome to WP, Machinist!

Wow, I can't believe I got through all 25 pages of this thread.
But it's a subject of primary importance in my life.

I've been on and off "the wagon" many times since 1988. My primary addiction has been pot, but I also have a history of binge drinking. Most of my alcohol consumption was as a teen in the 80's then it came back to haunt me with a vengeance in 2007. But throughout all that time my struggles have been with cannabis addiction.

I'm just one of those people who get a hell of a lot more out of weed than most folks. It sends me to a whole different universe, and I will wind up being stoned continuously for months, even years at a time. At my heaviest I smoked about an ounce per week, all to myself. Thing is, when I'm like that, I become seriously isolated, and I neglect hygiene and life's responsibilities. Eventually my perception of reality becomes somewhat twisted. There we're times when I wasn't really sure if I was alive or dead.

I started my substance abuse early. I don't even have a recollection of a "first time" for either pot or alcohol. As a kid I remember sneaking beer at family gatherings on the holidays. I started my regular pursuit of a wasted life at age 11. I drank into blackouts soon after. I also smoked weed whenever I could get my hands on it. Of course cigarettes went right along with all that. I was one of those "bad" kids hanging out behind the school, listening to heavy metal, skipping class to go get high.

By the time I was 16 and got a part time job, I started buying my own pot, and stealing alcohol from the supermarket I worked at. I eventually got arrested for stealing from that job. But that didn't stop me. I dealt with the fallout from that and just kept going with my use. By the end of my senior year in HS, I got the "brilliant" idea to put my art skills to use and forge some of my mom's checks for extra weed money..... Needless to say, I soon found out that that idea wasn't as "brilliant" as I thought it was.

My parents gave me a choice. Go to rehab, or they will press charges. Hmmmm... Jail or rehab?

I chose rehab.

So, there I was 3 weeks before my HS graduation, sitting in a rehab in New Jersey. It really sucked at first. But for some odd reason, I went in with an open mind. I admitted that, yes, I did have a problem with addiction. Non-addicts don't forge checks to buy weed. I took an honest look at myself and accepted what was presented to me in the 12 steps.

2 months later, I got out of rehab with a new outlook on life. I was young, clean & sober. And I had NO freakin clue what the future had in store for me. I thought I was gonna stay sober forever. I had moved across the country to Los Angeles and discovered social acceptance and fun in sobriety in various 12 step programs.

Somewhere in there, I got distracted. I mainly went to AA/NA to meet girls. I had a really frustrating time with that. They all seemed to just want to be "friends" with me. I wound up relapsing for the first time with just over a year sober. in my horny 19 year old mind I thought I might have an easier time "getting some" if I drank with this one girl.
I never got anywhere with her. We just spent the summer getting drunk & stoned together. I eventually drifted away from her, but kept using for a bit, sleeping on the floor of a friends apartment. That didn't last long and that friend got evicted and I figured I'd get sober again so that my dad would let me move back in with him.

So, began my 2nd foray into sobriety. That didn't last quite as long, only about 6 months. I was still treating AA like a social club and pretty much ignoring the 12 steps. I soon found myself stoned again, and kicked out of my dads. house. I "couch surfed" during the summer of 1990, hanging out with others who used and drank as much if not more than I did. Just doing the addict survival thing, working temp jobs, selling plasma, whatever, anything just to stay wasted.

That life soon began to wear on me. I thought what I needed was a change of scenery, so I jumped on a train back to my home town of Rochester NY. I thought I was going to move back in with my mom. (I forgot to mention my parents we're divorced since I was 3). But she didn't see things as I did. I was still getting drink & stoned, and she was already 2 years deeply involved in AA by then. Oh, yeah, I also forgot to mention that my mom had the same tendency towards pot & alcohol abuse that I did. Years before, I would steal her weed.

Anyway, feeling rejected by my own mother, I was at a total low point. Luckily, a 2nd cousin of mine was gracious enough to take me into her home. A few weeks later, I realized that maybe I should give AA another shot. I jumped in with both feet. Taking the suggestions given there much more seriously. I started to get my life back together again.
I found a job eventually, I got an apartment. Things we're ok.

But even though I had a tight circle of true friends. Social things we're very tough. In retrospect, I realize that this is where AS became an obstacle for my sobriety. A sober life in AA is highly dependent on being socially engaged with others. I never really felt like I completely fit in.

At this point employment was not 100% stable. I mainly worked temp jobs and I felt I was getting nowhere career wise. So, in late 1993, I thought I would join the Navy. I had to lie about my drug history to get in. But when I got to boot camp, I freaked out, I couldn't handle it one bit! So, when given the opportunity to tell the truth about my drug history without penalty came up, I took it. Then after being put to work for a month while they processed my paperwork in typical government fashion, the navy let me go back home to Rochester.

But when I got back home, things didn't seem the same. maybe I was just all messed up from the traumatic experience in boot camp, but I felt like more of an outsider in AA than ever before. I stayed on a different cousins couch for several months, working temp jobs, barely holding together with growing depression.

By may of '94, I was stoned again. I blew my longest ever period of sobriety, 3 yrs & 8 months. I did something illegal with my bank account withdrawing funds I didn't have, and "ran away from home" in a sense. I figured I'd hide out on the Grateful Dead circuit. So, I jumped in my car and drove to Oregon where the dead was playing at the time. BUT, being in a less than sober state of mind, I neglected to put enough oil in my car, and the engine died just 50 miles from my destination.

There I was stuck in an unfamiliar area, dead car, no money. I was kinda F'kd.

Fortunately, My dad rescued me and paid for a bus ticket back down to Los Angeles. I moved in with him again and briefly sobered up. This relapse was just on weed, I had lost interest in alcohol by this time. At that point I had discovered Marijuana Anonymous. It was another fresh start. This fit a little bit better for me since I am primarily a pothead.

At this point I entered a trade school for graphic art and quickly found a job working for a video game company.
but, mary jane is a seductive mistress, and creative professions are a lot more tolerant of stoned employees. I made some decent cash at that job. And I eventually got into a romantic relationship, moving in with her soon after.
But my girlfriend, Jennifer was not a drug user, and she barely even drank alcohol.

Over the next 5 years, my pot smoking slowly became a wedge between us. I sobered up a couple of times, for more than a year each time, returning to Marijuana Anonymous, doing my best to participate in the steps. I bounced through a few jobs, no fault of my own, they went out of business and I got laid off. Each time I was out of work it took a while to get a new job.

By 2000, I was engaged to Jennifer, but soon after, we both lost our jobs, and we both slipped into our own depressions and mutually called off the engagement.

I moved back in with my dad at 30 years old, and found another job while sober. But shortly after getting that job, I started smoking weed again. In Jan 2001, I had the half baked idea to move up to Oregon, where my cousin who I was staying with in 1994 had moved. That turned out to be a miserable failure. I was broke and couldn't find work in Eugene, Or. And EXTREMELY depressed, contemplating suicide. A couple of months later I negotiated my old job designing web sites back in LA and moved in with dad, again.

By this point, the "internet bubble" was in the process of bursting and I was laid off in June 2001. That was the last "real" job I have had. A month later, I had a bad trip on mushrooms, prompting me to return to the 12 steps and sobriety for the purpose of regaining my sanity. That time I was going to both AA & MA.

The next year was tough, I was having no luck finding work and getting very discouraged, and very depressed.
Much of that time I only went to meetings to see a woman I really liked there. We got along great. We would talk on the phone for hours. Eventually, I confessed my feelings for her. She replied saying that she was not worthy of me.
UGH! what a heartbreak! She relapsed, and I didn't see her around meetings for a while, so, I stopped going.

At this point AA was kinda pissing me off. I was witness to all the ways people in AA can work a crappy program.
The personalities before principles hollywood entertainment industry meetings, egotistical jerks with 20 something years sober "sponsoring" 17 year old girls. I saw the "13th step hell" that is Los Angeles AA. I lost all respect.

So, I stayed sober for a while by my own willpower.

Over the next few years, me and I friend of mine we're attempting to start our own web development business, with very little success. We did a couple of sites, but the business really didn't take off. During this time I drank some, but only on weekends, and not much at that.

Then in 2005, I managed to get on to California's medical marijuana program. Boy, did that kick my cannabis addiction into "high" gear! I discovered a wonderland of some of the best strains of weed available and stayed stoned for nearly the next 3 years.

Around the same time I had learned about Aspergers syndrome. It was an amazing discovery. Everything I read about AS completely described me. So, I sought out a psychologist and got diagnosed. But there was one problem, that psychologist told me that I needed to stop smoking pot. Well.... I wasn't gonna do that! I had just discovered the wonderful world of medical marijuana. So, after getting diagnosed, I did very little with the new information, and proceeded to remain stoned.

My addiction slowly grew to a new level. And in late 2006, I made my pilgrimage to one of the worlds "marijuana meccas"... Humboldt County California. I moved into an apartment across the freeway from Humboldt State University in Arcata, CA. There, I discovered a culture of PURE addiction. Weed everywhere! along with hot & cold running alcohol typical of any college town.

I also discovered that Humbodt wasn't just about weed, they have one hell of a heroin, oxycontin & meth problem there too. I didn't participate in the meth, but I did the opiates on more than a few occasions. I also started drinking again, with a vengeance. I quickly became a daily drinker, putting away a 12 pack of Mickey's malt liquor per day.

I also met this homeless couple who essentially took over my living room, providing me with pills as "rent".
Things got ugly for me. I was a drunken mess. Hopelessly in one way love with a girl 17 years younger than me who was my pot smoking buddy. Things never got intimate with her, but I still put myself through emotional torment over her.

During the summer of 2007, life around me was so crazy with all the addicts I was hanging out with. I decided to go to some AA meetings again. At that point I just craved somewhat sane people to be around, and compared to who I was associating with, sober AA folks we're quite sane. But I could never string together more than 3 or 4 days sober.
By this point my drinking was so bad I was getting "the shakes" whenever I'd stop. It was not pleasant.

Then one day in Nov 2007, the landlord put a notice on everyone's doors that I disagreed with. So, in a drunken rage, I marched down to the landlords office, after hours, and posted my own offensive notice on his door.
All this accomplished, was earning myself an eviction notice.

Things got scary, I was looking at the possibility of becoming homeless myself. It was time to be honest with myself and do something about my substance problems. I managed to convince my family to foot the bill for a treatment center, and I went to rehab in Jan 2008. It was a nice place, among the redwoods, with good people working there.
After I got out of that rehab, I soon realized that I needed to get the F'k away from Humboldy County or I would never stay sober.

So, in April 2008 I decided to move to Portland, OR. I chose Oregon because I really like the nature of the northwest coast, and found Oregonians to be really friendly. I was sick and tired of the unpleasant climate of Southern California, so going back south was not an option.

There I was in a new city, all alone. All I had was AA meetings filled with people I didn't know. It was tough getting used to a new social circle, so I found myself going to fewer and fewer meetings. Eventually I stopped going and just hid out at home and became a recluse. I still craved pot, but had no connections for buying any (yet). I drank a few beers every couple of months, but I didn't really want that. I wanted weed.

In summer 2010, I heard about this synthetic THC mimicking chemical I could obtain online. I smoked that stuff for a couple of months. But the problem was it really wasn't weed at all. I eventually had a major anxiety breakdown. That prompted me to go back to AA.

That time socially, things we're a little better. I was more familiar with the local AA crowd and went regularly for a while. But by this point, I was developing new atheistic views. That became a major obstacle to working the 12 steps.
I got resentful and stopped going to AA again. Then I decided I was not an alcoholic anymore.

In may of this year, I got a job at a local 7-11. Everything was fine for the first couple of weeks. But then as I was stocking the cooler, I got curious about the flavored 12% alcohol drinks I was putting on the shelf. I stared buying them and drinking them when I got home. It was ok, but it didn't really do the trick for me. I wanted weed, I missed weed badly. And selling blunt wraps all day at work didn't help any. By July, I had realized I could obtain pot from some of the more wasted customers at work.

I was off and running again, baked for the next 2 months. But miserable! I HATED my job. and soon I realized that I was working a dead end BS job solely to support my pot habit. Then one night while driving home after making a cannabis purchase, I ran a red light like it wasn't even there. Luckily, there was no cop there, and no other vehicles.
But it SCARED the crap out of me! I realized I was playing a dangerous game. I knew darn well where my addiction would lead me, and it was my choice how I wanted to proceed.

I knew I had to stop. So I quit that job that was just a huge access point for my weed, and smoked the last of my stash. I had decided to give AA another try. I haven't been stoned since Sept 21st, 2011 and I haven't drank since June 2011.

But what about this huge "god" problem I had with AA? I wasn't about to adopt somebody elses conception of a higher power. All I knew was that AA has helped many, many others despite all the crap talked about it on the internet. I knew from personal experience, knowing many others who it HAS worked for. I just had to trust that there is something mysterious in the process of taking the 12 steps that can turn a life around.

I may not agree with everything I hear in meetings, and read in the "big book". And I don't intend on becoming some kind of a zealot, quoting the "scripture" of AA. Frequently, I am bored to death with all the cliche sayings and regurgitated crap people spew in meetings while practicing the opposite outside of the meetings.

But you know what? AA is part of my life, drunk, stoned or sober. You can say it's my dharma. There is some reason I need to be a part of AA. And though definitely by no means perfect, the folks there are good people. I personally get a sense of comfort when around them. And even though I have a very non standard view on spirituality, that's all I need. I don't need a deity named "god", I just need to know that I am not the center of the universe.

And for all the naysayers, the steps teach some important things about living. It's good to be self-observant and recognize the part I play in negativity I experience. It's good to strive to overcome one's shortcomings. And to make amends when amends are due. It's important to look beyond one's ego and connect with something "greater".
And it's important to put aside one's difficulties, and focus on helping others with their struggles.

AA is not the ONLY way to get clean & sober, we all must find our own path in life.
And to be completely honest, It has always been ME who has made the conscious decision to pick up that first drink or joint, and it has been ME who has made the conscious decision to put it down. That is my power that I have exercised. I am not completely powerless, but that is no excuse to go "hog wild", at that point I give my power away to the substance.

I don't know what the future will bring. I don't even know if I will remain sober. I just have to focus on staying sober today.

That, folks, is my story.
A bit long for a forum post, I didn't plan on it being this long, but when I started, I just kept writing.

Great post, Pete, and I will watch for you in some of those meetings!

We have a bunch of great meetings here in Portland, OR

So I feel the need to get really f*cked up and the alcohol and cannabis is just not doing it for me anymore, probably not a good thing......uhh I just don't know what to do anymore I'm suicidal and if I could find a dangerous substance to use that I would enjoy but that would probably kill me after a few months I think i would be more than willing at this point......I am just sick of everything and sick of not being able to feel anything other than misery.

I just felt the need to vent about my substance & suicide related issues, and will probably regret it as soon as I get done posting.

You actually might be surprised by a few A.A. or N.A. meetings, Sweetleaf. People there often have the same kind of pasts where alcohol and drugs were no longer working well for them and they needed something different to make life enjoyable.

Well I am sure there are people who have experianced this....and i would go to meetings like that to learn about peoples experiances, except I imagine most programs like that require that you actively try to quit using whatever it is you use........which is not going to happen right now and maybe never will. Honestly cannabis still does have its benifits but it can only do so much.

That is a sad truth about 12 step meetings. You will encounter some pressure to stop, not from everyone, but some people will. Others may actually encourage you to keep drinking and using. It is the commonly held belief that each individual is the only one who can proclaim themselves an "addict" or "alcoholic", and that only the individual truly knows if they have hit bottom and needs to stop.

What you could do though is just go to on of each AA & NA and purchase their books, "Alcoholics Anonymous" and "Narcotics Anonymous". Or you could look up the AA & NA web sites, I'm sure they have copies of their books available for purchase, or free to read online.
Also check out Marijuana Anonymous. There are not a ton of MA meetings, but you can order a copy of their book "Life with hope"

If you are just curious about experiences, reading the literature is the best approach. That way you don't have the social pressure to stop. That way you can make your own decision about your life.

That might be intresting to look into......but yeah I don't really feel like I have a specific addiction or anything, its more like I am so depressed and numb feeling most of the time I just want to feel something else and usually cannabis, alchohol or whatever else helps with that.

Thing with the cannabis is it noticeably reduces my depression, anxiety and PTSD symptoms that's the main reason I use that on a regular basis but when it comes to alcohol and other things its more about wanting to escape or feel something else than depression and numbness. I guess I am just rather screwed up, I don't even know how to feel about any of that.

how about you take a break from smoking and drinking, instead. I'm going to quit smoking it just brings negative energy to my mind. a break will let your tolerances fade, and its nice to be sober sometimes.
I'm going to be sober for awhile, last night someone laced some weed with pain killers and it made me feel too good...