scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Anxiety relief is what I'm looking for, but nicotine is probably not going to do much for me in reality. Kinda tried everything else that they'll give me and major tranqs are all that help. Current life stuff doing that one, which is exacerbated from past life stuff being brought up [again] due to the death of one of those people that have been nice to me in my life when they had no reason to.

I keep on thinking I'll hit that point of too much stress again but I keep on going, so I guess I'm doing something right. I've been distracting myself with the woods and mountains, and there's an angel helping me when she has no reason to either (thank you).

Midday blues with current stuff, but life. I'm alright.

-2

Yeah it s hard to break bad habits, all you can really do is transition to milder addictions. Replace things.

Body depends on that stress relief. You've got to trick the body.

You'd have to switch out cigs, and replace it, slowly with something else. Of equal effect. And hope your body doesn't put up too much a fight.

Will power isn't enough. Not if your chemically dependent.

I'm sure its something you want to do eventually, right, quit. Because that stuff can catch up with you. But then again my grandmother who is in her 80s's has been smoking all her life...so its not necessarily That bad..in moderation...but health will suffer.

-10

that'll get the point across all the same without too much information.

Hmm.
Smoked weed last night for the first time in ages.
Had no effect whatsoever.

no rating.

caused someone to suffer from medical stuff due to the gammy hand (dropping something setting off an attack of the condition as it can be stimulus-sensitive; at least she could breathe); hurting loved ones hurts me the most, regardless if accidental/unintended

self-hatred doing its thing across multiple fronts from that (i feel pathetic just thinking about it so i won't talk about it; a nameless nobody that shouldn't even bother with anything is the sum of that one because he's nothing and just hurts everyone); the sad thing is, i agree with most of it, as that's how far i'm gone in that spiral of self-hatred

sigh

I want to quit but i cant deal with the stress from work. Thankfully my new employer has a no smoking policy so i can only smoke after work hours.

Aye but you sent a handy GIF
I rate it highly
Pun intended

At my typical 7.

negative alright

Amused at some things. Always gonna feel really bad every time I hurt someone I care for for whatever reason, because guilt and remorse tend to be some of my biggest emotions; I used to just hide from it and go off into my head and keep that pain to myself, which was one of those learnt coping mechanisms early on, but it didn't help anything but me, which is something I've never wanted. It hurt too much. Maybe it doesn't hurt as much now, but I don't think that one is the case, rather just...being more out of my head. When I say sorry for everything, yeah, it's for every single time, and one or two are just grains of salt in that ocean of tears; I remember every single one, because stupid memory (I don't think it's stupid, as it keeps it all alive, and as long as I am, they will be too).

Yeah, I still often wish all those things that could have ended me did to end that future suffering, but life worked out all the same. Lots of good things, and still good things there (and good things will always be there).

-10, rock bottom, I almost broke off my engagement and absolutely no one in my inner circle is saying a thing to me tonight. You know I’m done with everything, I quit on putting in effort to please others if no one’s gonna put in effort for me, I’m sick and tired of my job, of my hobbies, refuse to play any online games, my neighbors always snitching to property management for things that aren’t my fault, I’m fed up with everything in life which includes being caring to those in the community and I feel like putting in little to no effort in my day job, in my dream job, in my social skills and my chores, I’m thinking of quitting my alcohol recovery and just letting myself backslide and drink my evenings away. Like they can take it and shove it. I gotta go back to those delta 8 gummies and maybe even buy them on a regular basis because those are very helpful hopefully Jesus will understand why I do things to numb myself emotionally. I won’t give up on Christianity because Gods the only one who can help me through and no one else I’m very fed up with my carnal life and give up on the effort to do my best in it.

Well a little better today, got hateful with my fiancée on Sunday and with my Mom last night since she hurt my feelings a little. Got done cleaning for inspection and doing my own pre inspection so I’d say a -5

-1

Alright (comparatively speaking). Bad mental illness stuff, but it's nothing new; the only new thing is I'm going this one [mostly] alone, but that's not really anything new either. Blessed are those who struggle or something, though I don't feel like I deserve to be blessed. Blessed are those that walk those well-worn lonesome dirt paths (I guess I have 3 of those, and I do feel alone). Thinking about therapists, and I've never asked for help before from anyone, which is quite amusing to me, and may also reveal things about me.

Sad, but all of that's my fault. Worried, but I tend to do that too much, much like feeling all those other emotions too much if I feel a connection.

Fluctuating between a 6 and an 8.

2

Ok. Looks like PTSD stuff isn't going to bother me much from here on outside of insomnia (kinda had its final say the other day), which usually lasts several months or so going by the previous 3 times. Kinda feel good that I got through this one without much professional help.

Loved one illness stuff will always bother me, but I keep on walking there. I get over it.

Thanks.

4.

Yeah, I feel bad. Don't like mentioning anything about that, even without details. Loved one was crying from pain and had amnesia just before. Afraid I'll never see and speak to her again (my fault for dreaming so much and holding on as tight as I can to a phantasm and not reality). That's my life there, which is everything to me. I'm holding on to the threads of it all.

They're probably all right about me (doctors included), and the suffering. I'm probably too stubborn to see it, maybe because I don't want to see it.