What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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Thanks man you're a massive help truly

My neurodivergent support group that I've been helping to run... I think it's time for me to take a break. There are little skirmishes every now and then and that's fine, but we also have this one troublesome member and, a few days back, she just went too far with her accusations and slander. I just don't wanna deal with this anymore... and it hasn't been even half a year since we got our other trouble maker banned. Ugh.

Feel guilty about the spoiled upper middle class brat

Kayla and Rolando owe me an apology. They don't care about anyone except themselves

I always feel like everything's on me and I always somehow manage to find a way to justify this so then I feel like it's on me to make everything better again but I just can't
It's too late

That's really nice and thank you
I think I do understand yes

That I might even willing to let go of the autistic identity itself.
But yes, I am autistic but that's not all that I am. And more like I focus less and less over it.

That I might be done studying about it.
That I may no longer want to be involved any further.

Because, well, I'm not an advocate or anything like that, but I was put out there plenty of times. And even if I did well, it's not what I want for myself.


Definitely not just someone who happened to have been coping with hormones and chronic illness who happened to be autistic.


That...
I will have a second past internet life that ends around this age.

Just like how my first one ended when I went back to high school -- when I overcame anxiety and agoraphobia, when I overcame effects of being bullied by the time I was 17...

By myself. With too many leniency and online friends from past online games that kept me sane.


I'm willing to graduate permanently. Just like I did before.
From being this active about thoughts around autism and being autistic.

Like I'm past processing over it.
But I already knew the future is not predictable that no one can know what's ahead.


Why am I saying this?

It's because I'm trying to prove that the crap people blame was because of autism -- was all wrong and I was right.

And when that's over...
I will lay it all to rest.

Including the habits and actions I've been doing while coping with crap.


The advocacy stuff?
I'll leave it to people who actually need it.
Sure, I can support but...

No more educating idiots.
No more swaying zealots.

All because of the stupid need for human expression.
I am moving on.

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I like my therapist
I mean I don't really know him because he's good at that thing that therapists do where they're cagey about their own lives and I get it, it's like boundaries and that innit
And I don't ask questions because well that's just me but I know enough about him to know he's cool and he makes me feel safer than anyone has ever made me feel in my life

He does all this for me for free and in his own time and I suppose that's all that I need to know about him

I relearned the "Black Sheep Effect" tonight, and it helped me a lot in my struggle.
I had heard about it before, but I didn't fully understand it until I experienced it.
I have repeated the "bullying story" again and again in this forum because I couldn't believe there were such bad people in the world who bullied me for no reason.
In this book tonight, it explains in detail why a group of good people would bully a good person together.

My isolation was not inevitable, nor was it caused by any inherent flaws on my part.

I should just kill myself so I won't have to live anymore in this world where WWIII will break out at any moment and the world leaders are all raving lunatics and when I try to sleep at night the slightest sounds nearly give me a heart attack thinking nuclear war has broken out. But I'm too chicken. And if I tell a professional they'll just lock me away and put me on more drugs. I hate the human race. I hate stupidity.

It’s strange how songs can take you back to certain times in your life that you’ve (half) forgotten for better or worse.

I sometimes wish that I had a mum

There's a good, good reason why I'm great with go-away skills than coping skills;

Coping won't make me move. Coping won't put me closer to things that aligns my value.
Because I value moving through.

Hell, my values might as well be against the entire premise of coping skills itself.

A good, good portion of my monologue is "get over with whatever this is for good". A change that aligns with me and my values.

Maybe to a point that it might be impossible as a human, subject to ups and downs of living.
But when do I even care about that? I even want ups and downs itself be irrelevant in existing and just be purely be myself than involuntary reactions to manage.

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regret spoiled upper middle class brat.

should've worked harder on job search, earlier.

regret not investing more in jogging when i was young.

"life" is over or something.