Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear moi,

s**t, everything makes sense now.

Dear ---

I think I might need to apologise to you; if so I would like to do so desperately, but I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm being paranoid and I haven't overstepped, but I'm truly sorry if I have.
You have to remember I'm f*****g insane, socially inept to boot (it's not an excuse, it's a fact). Well, you wouldn't need reminding of that really.

Agh, so much angst. It's only because I care.
I hope - if I require forgiveness - that you can spare some
Sorry

How to not be sad:

1) Don't think.

Dear you in the post above.

Yes, it really is that simple.
Do not think; watch.

Just because I don't want to talk about being ill, it doesn't mean I'm not. It means the opposite, in fact. I am hoping it's the norovirus, cos I *do* feel like crap. I don't want to think about it or it'll make me feel worse.

I've been thinking about you over the last couple of days - mainly because "our song" unexpectedly cropped up on the radio on Friday morning.

I know it's been 24 years now, that we didn't part on the greatest of terms and that I have no idea where you even live now - but I hope that life's turned out well for you, nonetheless. For that first year we were together, you made me feel invincible - as if I had my whole life ahead of me, and that the world was my oyster. I've only experienced that feeling two or three times since, and it's always been fleeting. I suppose it always is.

You taught me not only how to love another, but also how to love myself, and it's only recently that I've begun to fully appreciate that. And yes, I'm just about to turn 46 next week, so it's more than likely that this is the result of me going through the male version of "the change".

Nonetheless, thanks for some of the happiest and most idyllic memories of my life. Nothing can ever erase that.

Stop being a b***h. I don't care.

Dear ---
In the grey area between legal information gathering and hacking right now.
I will not transgress into the latter out of respect, and also because why would I do that. It's got to be unhealthy, and kind of obsessive.
So I'm refraining.


Dear myself,
Do not replace one addiction with another, there's a good girl. You have a strategy, stick to it.

Dear ---
Every time I have to speak to you or hear from you I want you to just die. Or f**k off, but you've declined to do so thus far, so yeah - die.
I am only half joking. Don't stress out an autistic person with the hopes of winning their affection; you won't wear me down, I'll tell you that for nothing.

And to dispel any WP paranoia , this is a person I see in real life.

Dear God,

I know we've talked about this a lot of times, and You always have the same answer.

But I hate autism. I hate the fact that there seems to be one person in the world who can even pretend to understand me, and that one person is of the opposite sex and not a sibling, parent, or spouse. I hate being lonely. I hate pleading with people to just please consider what I am saying, just to have them scream that I am just trying to control the conversation again and I'm f*****g pissing them off (and then scream at me for withdrawing into myself and trying to be quiet and docile). I hate it. I am so sick of trying. So tired.

Please. Abba, Father, take this cup from my lips. Abba, I want to go home. Please come get me. Please.

To the person who stole the light off my bike,

I hope you f*****g die you inconsiderate piece of s**t.

Dear Ma'am,

When I was thirteen, you asked me to take a picture of your son with my phone and email it to you, because your phone's battery died. I refused your request because I have never emailed a stranger before, and I did not feel comfortable doing so then. Plus, throughout my childhood, adults warned me to not talk to strangers. Today, I still will not email a stranger, unless it's for technical support for some kind of app or account.

Please do not think that I refused because you are black. I would have done the same for a white person. Or any person at all. Even a kid.

~ the 13 year old who refused to take a picture of your son

Dear Relative, (shall I mention your relation?)

Wait-- I'm right?

When was I
ever right?

When did you ever say to me, over the course of my lifetime, "you're right?"

...Never ever ever ever ever.

I love how you're just so casual, like "...Oh. I guess you're right."

Ha.
What, after like ten? Eleven? Twelve? Thirteen years of waiting? That's all you gotta say?

Just, like, "Oh, you're right?"
Just, so chill?

I love it.

Dear XXXXX

I hate you, I had forgiven you but you continue to ruin your own life as well as those around you. You are tied with Autism, homelessness and heroin in terms of screwing up my life completely. Your sick and your in denial and I don't care what happened to you as a child anymore. My life isn't a bowl of cherries either mostly because of you and I don't go about purposely ruining peoples lives (though in reality I probably have and its probably your fault by proxy a**hole). You are abusive to me, you are abusive to my family. I tried to reason with you and you didn't want it. Also your gonna burn in hell fantasying about seven year olds. I can't erase the images you have embedded in my mind as a child you sick f**k. You haven't gotten away with s**t, you did this time and maybe a few other times and maybe some times in the future but it'll catch up with you and I will pour as much gasoline on the fire as I can when it does. Go and die for all I care you manipulative sadistic low life prick. What in the hell is wrong with your brain giving a 12 year old drugs, was it not enough to completely brain wash me? Also I find it odd that you remove yourself when a child around the age I was is present, feeling guilty a**hole? Or can you not control yourself you sick f**k? You have to get away don't you? I hope you can never get away, I hope its eats at your soul. I hope your forced to think about every time I cut myself for an eternity, I hope you feel ever tear that I have cried. I hope you feel every needle that went in my arm to escape the hell you have caused me. You betrayed my trust, you took away my dignity and if that wasn't enough, you took away my home and family. You have taken everything from me, everything a**hole. You have completely made my life not worth living and I did nothing to you, absolutely nothing. I just wanted to know why in private and I would have never brought it up again, undeserved forgiveness and you spit in my face.

Dear Denis Istomin,

I would love to go to a tennis tournament someday (preferably in my home state) and meet you. You have been a great source of inspiration to me. You overcame the greatest of odds against you to make the ATP men's tour and, because of that, you are truly inspiring. Many people don't know of you, but more should. I would someday like to meet you and write the story of your life.