Rants

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I've been trying to stand up for myself and think about what I actually want instead of tying to please people all the time. So far, I've have limited success. Hopefully I can keep trying and eventually succeed.

A late rant "letter" from me to... Somethingsomething.

Dear 'Fate',

Please stick with this "Witness of Truth" gig on me, not a "Witness of Death and Accidents".
I have 3 reasons why I insist jaywalking all over the place: 1. It's how I stim. 2. It's better that than sitting all day. And 3. I really enjoy it, as it makes me feel free. I've been doing this since High School, and witnessed no tragedy for all those years.
Before witnessing a stranger's death, I'm sure I was just a careless pedestrian who got hit by a passing over motorcycle on a wrong lane just that one time... Nothing bad of course, just some scratches, some sore spots and it's fine with me...
Then first warning is a bit bloody and loud, of course considering it's my 1st time witnessing a stranger's death first hand. 2nd and 3rd could have been worse but I thank all those slow tricycle drivers. But 4th in less than a month after and with all those events, family related... Not a good timing. Not funny. Seriously. I wonder if my mom even knew that was the 4th road accident I witnessed first hand on that very night we followed my sister on a way to the hospital morgue.

So, 'Fate', I'm not sure if I have to include this, but I confess that I've been so calm that it's freaking me out. While it's true I would like to get used to certain things that makes a typical person panic, but why is this?


From a ranting child, ranting in some imaginary friend who been dealing with for nearly 13 years.

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When your own psychologist mocks you for explaining the problems that autism brings you... If he were in my shoes I'd give him two months before he'd go insane. He'd last a little longer than average because he's cold and heartless.

f**k cherry picking doctors who only take on healthy patients and refuse everyone else. Those are the people I would be glad to turn on the news and hear that they died in a brutal car crash.

To myself
Suck it up!

To myself
You stupid ass b***h moron f**k you

^^^

^ I cursed me to cheer him up.....

to cheer who up?

I don't know.

mebbe your inner male?

My job has been completely f#cked thanks to kaizan worship. It has gone from somewhat okay to cramped, noisy, and unbearable. I have been overwhelmed and on the verge of crying all day. I feel betrayed/trapped and I hate it.

I deny of desiring certain things not because I cannot have it, because I HAD it and it's NOT what I thought it was.

Do you goddamned understand? I'm not some close minded idiot, judging things I never had or tried.


So early in the morning, and someone already saying things.

Or maybe because I didn't slept whole night, and end up easily losing my patience over things..

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I love you, Drawyer. I have been trying to learn to love myself more and not call myself a she-dog or get overwhelmed by guilt. Maybe we can help each other!

^ Thanks and I love you too.
Your being here has been helping me already.