Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear You,

They say the Aspie is supposed to be the cold one, the one who gets angry when people have problems, the one who thinks everything is fine while their partner is emotionally starving to death.

So why is it that I reach out, and get met with either hostility or a joke??

I know, if I could just be the right kind of person-- sexy, feminine, fun, the kind of vulnerable that makes a man feel manly without being contemptibly pathetic-- then everything would be great again.

I'm so lonely. Every once in a while I manage to do well enough that you show me just a little warmth, just a teaser, just enough to make sure the cold HURTS again.

Please tell the truth. Please stop playing semantic games. Please stop saying the things you think you are supposed to say, the answers the therapists told you to give to make me better. They ring false against your behavior.

Dear cellular structure,

You are NOT the boss of me.
I am the boss of YOU.

Raleigh.

Dear cellular structure,

I am here for the duration and nothing you can do will determine the future of me.
I will last as long as I should; in all appropriateness.
I'll decide when it's time to go.

Raleigh.

Dear Mom,

I rescind my earlier statement.

It's mutual. You're not the mother-in-law I wanted, either.

I don't know what I wanted in a mother-in-law. I didn't think much about those things.

I know what I DIDN'T want. I didn't want someone who derives pleasure from kicking and belittling me. And you do.

May God have mercy on your soul,

Me

I thought I would share with you, that I've, recently, helped my cousin re-landscape her yard and cultivate her garden. I thought of you, often, throughout the process. My Mom and I, took a short road trip, up the coast and she took me on a tour of her favorite nursery. Throughout our journey, I spoke of you and the beautiful photos you had shared with me, of your garden. I wish to share them with her, on my next visit with my folks.

I hope you had a nice day, and you are enjoying your evening.

Dear Folks,

I was never perfect. But I was good-- not in the sense of being skilled. In the sense of being honest and real and kind.

I guess you couldn't believe that. I guess you'd never seen a good person before, and that's why you had to read evil motives into everything I did.

I guess I didn't give you the show you wanted, and that's why everything I did was sick and manipulative in your eyes.

I guess it was selfish that I took time to practice self-care instead of giving every second of every minute of every day to you.

You make me sick. Literally. Because of what you've taught me, I can't bear to do healthy things any more.

I hope-- I don't know what I hope. "I hope you enjoy Hell" and "I hope you get what's coming to you" are mean-- and I'm still not mean, just broken.

I hope I find a way to fix this, get myself and my ability to live the life that is allotted to be back. I hope you do, too. I hope this time, it doesn't involve destroying someone else.

If feelings for you hadn't developed I would have stayed friends with you, but I can't. It hurts too much.

I feel really confused. You can be so lovely, but there is a hate inside you that I've seen slip out and I can't handle it. I don't like. It makes me uneasy.

What happened to you? You have the potential for so much. But you seem angry.

It wouldn't matter to me if I didn't care.

i have no idea what you think of me. i don't know if we're just pretending to be friends for the sake of not ending it on bad terms, and i'm supposed to just disappear now that we're on good terms. i mean, we got that closure.. i guess maybe that's all we wanted from each other. i don't know if i'm even your friend, or if i am and that's ALL i am. i don't know if maybe now things are better in our lives and you want to try again. i don't know if you're just waiting for me to admit my feelings or if i'm just overthinking everything. either way, i'll never know any of those things if we both don't learn to knock down the massive walls we've built around ourselves to protect ourselves from breaking each other's hearts again.

if it matters, i do still have those feelings, i wish we could knock those walls down and learn to be together. but i guess that's just me living in a fantasy. maybe one day, we'll learn to love each other and have the ability to let someone in. i guess today isn't that day. and every passing day where we blow each other off like we do, it makes me feel like that day will never come. but i hope it does.

you're wonderful, you really are. i'm sorry i make you feel otherwise. i wish bluntly just saying "i want to love you again, and i want you to love me" was so easy.

Dear you, i know i can be really cruel when i'm angry but i still wish you'd forgive me. Even if you can't i wish you would just erase me rather than hate me. I can never hate you, you made me too happy for that. I do get angry at you sometimes but it's only because of my selfishness and because i still miss you. I hope you can forgive it just this once..

Dear Mom,

Parenting and marriage and housekeeping are not arithmetic. There can be more than one right answer.

I can do things one way, and you can do (or have done) things a completely different (even opposite) way, and-- this is the important bit-- WE CAN BOTH BE RIGHT.

STOP SNIPING AT ME. FULL. STOP.

If you verbally abuse my children over an accident (even if the accident does result in someone needing an two ice cubes for their finger) again, there will be HARD WORDS between us. Criticize the behavior all you want. I don't want to hear any more "YOU ARE [insert insult here]" statements.

If you mock and harass me in front of the children again, I'm going to get SHARP. Three out of the four are organically kind. The Other One is starting to learn that bullying, and bullying me in particular, is a socially advantageous behavior. NO. MORE.

If you try twist and distort things to cause fights between Hubby and me again, DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME. I'm so mad right now I'm shaking, way down in the middle of me. If there is EVER a third incident where one of you accuses me of Really Bad s**t that I didn't even get close to doing, or makes a legitimate threat to throw me out of this family and take the kids, that's the Rubicon, b***h. Ultimatum time. One of us will be leaving this family, as in NO CONTACT that cannot take place through the US Postal Service.

You've already lost one stepson, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter that way. I really don't want to see that happen here.

So STOP. FULL. STOP.

Dear Neighborhood Child:

I know. Your parents basically weren't even there. I'm from West Virginia. It's happening in my family too. I got no place to judge, kid, but I can state some facts. They didn't teach you much at all, most of what little they taught you was bad. They did bad enough by you that they're in supervised visitation country with termination of parental rights on the horizon. I want to hug you.

I know. Older Sibling was at least there, at least tried to teach you stuff. Didn't get walked on like you did. Got, you know, the stuff you needed. Even if they did it in really bad ways. You looked up to That One, That One was something like a light in some dark-ass times. That One is a teenage failure story right now, in the worst way. I want to protect you.

I know. Aunt and Uncle and Grandma are trying, they're really trying, but it takes two full time incomes, with overtime, to make ends meet and there's just SO MUCH a person can do. I REALLY want to hug you.

The things I WANT to do aren't within my rights. I'm just the neighbor, your friends' mom, That Lady. I CAN let you in over here. I CAN tell you you learned some really wrong stuff. I CAN try to teach you some better stuff.

At least until you do something Really Wrong, or dangerous or illegal enough to be a threat to my kids. Then you gotta go. I don't want it to come to that.

Please listen. Please think. Please mind. Please do better.

Please [God] touch that kid. More than just, "I made you."

So may it be. Amen.

To my favorite lady,

I like you, a lot, more than anyone I've met in a decade, but I really don't get why you keep inviting me to parties if you're going to run from me anytime I try to get close. Don't you see you're hurting me? Did I not tell you social situations make me stress out and I'm only going because you're the one asking and insisting? I can't do this, I want to move on, but I can't while you keep tugging at the string. I don't think that's what you intend, but that's what's happening. Please, can't we just stop this and talk plainly? I don't understand what you want or why you're doing this... Just tell me please.

Me

I try to picture getting better but I really can't imagine it.
Do I really have to do this forever?

I'm not sure I can.

Dear You,

I can't get over you throwing a b***h fit about how greedy your parents are. Because they paid your car insurance (you're THIRTY-SEVEN) and bought you a bunch of groceries and then donated $2500 to Children's Hospital instead of buying you presents with it.

And HE LOVES YOU. He actually empathizes with you, compares me to you all the time and you come out ahead. Why?? Because you're colorful and impulsive and snort stuff up your nose to change your mood to suit the occasion?? Because you're great arm candy, know how to manipulate an ego, and you're into pain in the bedroom??

I think you're repulsive. I think he's repulsive for loving you. I think you two deserve each other. Come get him. Run him into the ground and then find another one to kill.

I HOPE YOU DIE A VERY SLOW, VERY UGLY, VERY LONELY DEATH-- and it's not a metaphor this time.

You're right-- You ARE going to Hell. Only it's not for smoking dope and doing coke and being a complete slut and cussing and knowingly fencing hot s**t and dealing drugs and skipping church on Sundays. Well, maybe the "fencing hot s**t" part. But mostly, you're going to burn for the way you treat people.

Love Always,

Me

You can have my brother if you want him, he was never nice to me and I don't love him if you want to know the truth. I really really don't care anymore, I don't like the pain it causes my mother and WE ARE NOT ON GOOD TERMS. You have kinda pissed me off to be honest and you know I have an underdeveloped sense of reading between the lines so the hell with you I say. I am smart enough to find out possible motives on my own, don't sell me short but yes I can't read between the lines and I don't appreciate being mind F-ed.

Thanks, kindly go away now,