Rants

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Coping skills failing,

Music at max volume not drowning out the pain,

Cutting commencing,

parked the car on the back drive, so these big, too big for the road tractors wouldn't damage it, oh well, the cows handled that, wreck the drive and the car....jippy??

I AM NOT A TRANSGENDER ADVOCATE ! !! STOP ASSUMING I AM, EVERYONE !
I am under NO obligation to talk to you about transgender issues by being trans ! !!
I'm sick of people thinking that just because I am trans, I am interested in furthering the political position of transgender rights by lobbying politicians (as if this helps anyway) being open with my own transition and the intimate nature of my body both at birth, through every stage, and now, in order to educate as many people as possible. I am not interested in going on television, "educating" anyone by using myself as an example with my "story" or "journey" or any other BS phrase that makes me sound special. Because I am not special. I am not amazing, or brave, or subversive, or any of that. I am just trans. It just is what it is, and I get on with it.
It is a very private thing. I am not interested in every transgender topic ever voiced by anyone just because I'm trans. I don't care about every trans story out there just because I am trans. Whatever any other transsexual "went through" bears absolutely no relevance to my own experience, because we are not all exactly the same!
I really wish everyone would just back the f*ck off me with this and leave being trans OUT of it !

Can't sleep more than three hours at a time. Can't focus or shut down my head. Hate when I get like this.

It would be great if I could read people better, I don't know who to believe, I think you are all as flawed as each other, its just a matter of degree.

###@@@@###
another who insists wrong is right, why is wrong always right?!
its an adversity to know something. everybody else is more right always anyway, what does that mean ?
that you once happened to understand these things must be punishable for as long as you live?
its the cubic metre now but it just goes for everything, again the seller says it's weight, NO its volume, oh that's above the head, volume is liters its not weight, oh yeah only idiots get jobs, only idiots are in charge, everywhere!
and as the nb's are on a mean aggressive streak this week, what's up with them? empowered by what now?
humanly this is limbo, people thrive on vengeance and mischieve, when you give something they are certain your robbing them of something

The past has a habit of creeping up when u least expect it to.

Still haven't got used to my new haircut. It was done yesterday and before my hair was really long. Now, its pretty short, but still long so it covers my ears. I can probably get used to it in a few days but still, I hope my hair grows back though

Oh, and I get my exam results tomorrow. Its been in my head mostly all day and I am trying not to stress out and worry about it. Need to keep calm and not let these damn things affect me

Another sleepless night. I'm so delayed. It's super hot all the tim, it's been for weeks. I've been lacking sleep for years, usually catch it up. Here it's starting to get really long, 3 months my average night sleep is about 4/5 hours, but the sleepness nights breaks it all. I don't have much to do (holidays and solving s**t stuff), that doesn't help to have no schedule, although I don't know how I could do anything, I'm feeling dizzy just walking across the living room. Chronic neck/shoulder pain is rather tough these days. I move and go out, occupy myself, still, I can't sleep and getting exhausted. I wish I could verbalize things, externalize. I would only have to deal with the heat. So of course I'm grumpy, and get emotional over nothing, have no energy to do solve things, organize them. And that new apartment is cool, however it's super noisy. I feel like I'll go insane.

I can't let go of my hatred, I feel like it's the only thing keeping me from being ripped to shreds. I'm starting to wonder if it'll stay this way from now on.

I am tired of everyone treating me like crap. I'm so sick of it! I want to drive my car off a cliff no I don't have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

Why do TV channels not show the credits properly anymore? I liked unwinding after a film with the music; it provides a nice buffer in between programs. Also, why fast-forward the credits? We have no time to see the freaking names! You might as well not show them! And what's with all the ads popping up all over the TV screen while a movie's on? I HATE TV!! ! I'm going back to reading books and listening to the radio. (Except tonight; watching Willy Wonka, in honour of the late Gene Wilder... That's another thing. What's with 2016 and the death of all the most awesome people ever??? Not happy).

I loved Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, esp the oompa loompa song

ARGRGARGRGAGRGARGARYAGRFUJASGFRFGUACFHEDFILEZDBVjl

Why does my dad always hang up on me? I had a valid question, I am not slow, why does he think I am slow!! !! !! !! !

Autism does not mean I am stupid but I might be reading too much into things, my dad things everyone but him is an idiot plus that might not be the reason but he makes the dumbest most inconsiderate comments on the planet. Such as saying I am not responsible for my actions to other people because of autism...

Wow...

My dad has no idea how it feels to be autistic and no one has ever EVER EVER cut me slack for being autistic. I swear my dad is a complete idiot... but I love him.

I get so frustrated with my dad. It seems like when I have something going on he pries into what I'm doing and how it's done.Then if I make a mistake it feels like he talks down to me when I'm already aware that I made a mistake and am doing what I can to fix it. I sometimes tell him things and I'm not even asking for advice so it feels like he's trying to dominate me, even though I'm not living with him. Then I feel frustrated with myself because if I didn't bring it up in the first place he wouldn't do that. I'm starting to feel like if I have some kind of problem I shouldn't tell him at all because all it seems to do is cause confusion and for him to talk down to me. I'm already aware of the mistakes I make and I don't need someone reminding me that I messed up. It's not going to help with anything. It seems like half the time when I talk to him he just wants to argue or cause confusion. I don't really tell him about my problems that much anymore because of this, but I wanted to tell him about my car problem because he knows so much about them, but I feel like I can't tell him about any of my problems at all without him talking down to me. I know he's probably trying to help because he does give me advice sometimes, but I don't like it when He treats me differently. I use to call him almost every day to check on him and now I usually talk to him once or twice a week because it can be so frustrating to talk to him. He treats me differently than other people, he always seems to think that what I'm saying has a different meaning to it and he thinks that I'm trying to argue with him when I'm not. Then if I try to explain anything to him he seems to think that I'm getting defensive when I just want to be understood. It's so damn frustrating.

I think it's my voice too. I sound younger than I am and I think it causes people to think that I'm child-like so they don't take anything I say seriously and think that I'm just unaware of the mistakes I make. Why do people always have to make assumptions about me? I feel like I can't even communicate with most people because I'm always being misunderstood by them because they think that what I'm saying has a different meaning to it. If I ask someone a question they seem to either think that I'm looking for approval or that I'm trying to argue and they can't just honestly answer the question. It also makes me feel bad because maybe I'm doing something else that's causing people to treat me this way. They won't give me an honest answer though because they always think that my questions have a different meaning to them. Either that or they would probably ignore if I asked. The few people who do understand me won't be able to help that much because they aren't in those situations with me to know exactly what's going on.

WHY MUST I NOT COMMUNICATE

WHY MUST I SUFFER

WHAT HAVE I DONE

WILL THERE BE ANY LOVE LEFT ME OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER



I am actually ok but these feelings remain nonetheless,