Rants

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I must be the most f****d up individual in the history of fuckedupedness.

Oy. Oyyy.

I just, ehh. I..

I don't know.

I don't know.

Panic attacks from hell all day today. Always in the shower for some reason, I dont know if its because water is a tactical stimulation thing, that pushes me over the edge or what but man does it suck.

I think this all started because I almost drown in the Pacific ocean when I was a kid. So now water triggers panic in me. Haha

I know somewhere inside of you there is a human.
And I know somewhere inside of that human there is a person that loves me.

...But how do I find them?

Why the f**k do you keep yelling at me? You're horrid. I don't like you. I can't live with this.

I can't help it, geez!

...I don't understand. I-I really don't understand. And I don't know if I ever will.

It's just... I don't want this for you. And I don't think you want it either, and I don't think they want it either.

I want you to be happy.

But most importantly, I want me to be happy.

Nothing-- and I mean nothing-- is ever about me. Every single fricking, dicking that you do-- every. thing. is either about you or your idea about what you want for me.

I. don't. care, man.

Looking for work is a bummer.

This isn't a rant.
I don't know where else to put this.
Yesterday, I turned into a monster.
I wanted to kill someone, either myself or someone else.
I raged and swore at people.
I had to be restrained from self-harming and also from harming others.
I have NEVER felt like this before.
I've never wanted to harm other people before.
If those drugs are going to mess me up like this I would rather throw them all away and die.

^ Do you know how many times I've had to be restrained for both valid and non valid reasons?

Welcome to dark side Raleigh

I just raged and swore at people to get out of my house when they were completely in their right to be here, you are not a monster. I might be but you are not.

I don't wanna live in a war zone.

But why does everything have to be one?

I can't breath
Drowning in anxiety
Please don't make me face the world
I can't, its too much

^ dexamethosone.
And levetiracetam, trimethoprim, sulphamethoxazole, pantoprazole, temozolomide
And two anti-nausea medications.
A cocktail of chemicals.

raleigh, of those meds, it's likely the dexamethasone that caused you to lose control of your emotions. the drug is reducing swelling of your tumor, though, and you might lose other functions without it. sorry, it seems that you are in a really tough situation. also could be the levetiracetam, though. there are other anticonvulsants that don't have the side effect of hostility.

Why am I crying?
I don't cry.
I can't cry.
I'm a strong person.

So why do I do it now?
I never cry.
I never feel sad. It never lasts.

...So why does it do that now?

Why am I crying?
I don't cry.
I can't cry.
I'm a strong person.

So why do I do it now?
I never cry.
I never feel sad. The sadness never lasts.

So why does it do that now?

....I don't think this is good.