Rants

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England, I apologize in advance.

British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson

OMG I am such a sh***y person,

I am an idiot and I get what I deserve.

I am completely disabled, I live off disability and I have a home cratered for the disabled. My existence is recognized by other people to be a failure or I wouldn't have what I have and I couldn't get it myself. Kill me, everything I have worked for has failed cause I am failure and I screwed it up in some way shape or form. Everything I have was given to me, I could have done nothing and got the same result.

I HATE MY LIFE AND I HATE AUTISM, I AM WORTHLESS AND WANT TO DIE.

Why must I continue to live life like this, I want it to end. Its not fair that other people have a life without disabilities.

I am or else the conflicts wouldn't multiple which is exactly what happened,

Holy s**t my thoughts are freaking out, I am just chilling but I am falling a part inside. It'll never get better, I am a bad person and I'll never be a better person. I don't even know how much of it is autism, I am just stupid. Natural selection would have killed me years ago if I didn't live in such a civil society.

If I had these kinds of thoughts last year I would have ended it no doubt, I can't tell if that is a good thing or not. That means for me to just exist, I am stronger then I was last year but f**k I am having serious suicidal thoughts.

I feel like by ignoring these thoughts that they will build up until I actually do hurt myself.

There is no way out, I can't ignore that the reality of who I am, who is a horrible person.

f**k,

Just have a song, I need to stop thinking.

Your not a horrible person,as you sound like someone whom has suffered torment for centuries. You continue to exist and that means something whether you wish to acknowledge such or not.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm

While the above link wasn't too unhelpful, I am basically doing everything on that page, I have been distracting myself for days. The only thing I haven't done is stop using drugs. I have been suicidal ever sinse my last social failure, drugs don't seem to have an effect one way or another and seems to make me less likely to do it even if the thoughts are worse. I don't know, f**k it. The article says to give distance between thought and action. Well s**t, I have been suicidal for a year now and I just ignore it. That is a lot of f*****g distance so maybe leaving this b***h isn't the incorrect solution.

dcj, you are a worthwhile person with a good intellect and a good heart. many of us have seen that about you. give yourself a chance to get to the place where you can see the good in yourself.

I do see the good in me but I see the bad too and there is more bad then good. I am f**k up, I have f****d everything up. I f**k up here just as much as f**k up everywhere else. I am a f**k up, I want to f*****g die. Life will never f*****g get better.

There hasn't been one aspect of my life that I haven't f****d up royally,

I hate my life, there is no cure for autism and most people don't want one anyway so f**k it all when I am dead and gone I say.

google "awfulizing."

Even if I look at my life with a positive prospect, it still f*****g sucks.

At best I don't see social rules and make social mistakes.

At worse I am f*****g nuclear explosion everywhere I go, everyone hates me and I would be better of dead.

f**k I can kill myself to both of those possibilities. If I don't see social rules then I'll never see social rules, I am disabled and worthless and would be better of dead. As for the second possibility then just f**k it all to hell.

you are young. you are smart. you can learn from your mistakes. i learned small talk after age 50 and am still improving at 60. a huge social faux pas cost me my license to practice medicine. i wanted to die. my advocate for getting benefits said i'd never work again. 20 years later, i am married and embarking on a new career. as winston churchill told a school for orphan boys: never give up.

i am going to bed. i suggest you do the same. or do some more awesome computer programming. or listen to music. do anything other than beat up on yourself.

This is the stupidest thing. Dad needed new headphones so I bought him a pair. Last night he found out he can't use them with his laptop and do his work, because there aren't enough usb ports. I said 'OK, do you want to swap with a pair of my headphones (with jacks) or if not, put them in the box and I'll return them tomorrow'. He said I was being difficult, and when I asked him how, he just took that as further evidence. So I:
-bought him headphones as a nice gesture
-offered an immediate solution, swapping with me
-offered an alternative, I will return and get you new ones
What a monster I am, how could I have done that to him /sarcasm.

THIS MORNING I wake up to him shouting the house down about how I treated him like s**t, how everyone's always judging him, and how we (but specifically me) can all go f**k ourselves, because we're 'vile and nasty'; this whole diatribe was inspired by the headphones debacle. I thought it was a mild disagreement; he evidently spent all night stewing over it because he's f*****g insane. And it makes me so angry because he's acting all persecuted and judged, when really he's the one that judges everyone else, and he's the one that's deliberately nasty. I was super confused so I just went in to get the headphones off him, and he was so horrible. I don't understand . I know he's not neurotypical (even if he doesn't acknowledge it), so he is hard to fathom anyway, but what the hell this is I don't know. Recently he says stuff like "I'm sick of you going on at me" and "I'm sick of you always treating me like s**t", when neither statement is remotely true (if anything, the roles are inverted). So, insecurity on his part maybe? False sense of persecution? Whatever it is, it really hurts.

I was so angry and confused that I just screamed, and I had to go and cause myself some mild physical pain to calm down enough to function. AAAAAAAARGH!! !!