Rants

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LOL I need to give some context to why I am keep meeting with my landlord, I am not being evicted or anything. Its just this is the month to renew my lease and its kind like this around this time. My landlord mostly leaves me alone but not this time of year. Anyway it didn't go well in terms of sticking to the plan and I would say I went "autistic" more or less. She asked me what laptop to buy so I exploded in a 20 minute one sided conversation about computers but she seemed to absorb everything and wrote down all the models I gave her so I am pretty sure that was a welcome moment of autism. It harmed no one and I got out alive so I would say it didn't go good or bad, it just kinda went.

Oh and the fact my neighbor is insane came up but I expressed my desire to live and let live quite well.

As far as this hell hole is concerned, I am happy so long as we aren't killing one another. I don't care who is doing what so long as they leave me alone. I am actually hoping the landlord is that way too and I am thinking for the crap to exist here that exist here, she is. With regards to my apartment, I would be happy if everyone could just try and respect everyone a little more. Everyone here has a corner to do whatever crazy stuff they want to do but it seems like everyone's crap is bleeding out everywhere and everyone wants to kill everyone because of it. I am peaceful in my corner, I wish some of the other people here were peaceful in their corner.

People need to learn when not to quote.

If I write a post directly beneath yours, I'll reply without using quotes. Try reading something that doesn't involve you, ffs! In this case, it will be a pleasant surprise because it does involve you! If I quoted you, your text would appear twice in a row on the screen. Who needs that? Surely that isn't yet more of your ego-gratification?

I kind of started mad, but got a little too into the funny aspect of what I was writing and stopped taking it seriously. I'll leave it here, anyway.

dcj, it sounds like the meeting went better than fair, well, in fact. you helped a fellow human being.

Oh wow, bad thoughts,

Really bad thoughts,

Go away,

I have done well this last year hiding my emotions and just pretending they aren't there when I am around people and then just fall apart in private. Seems to work and its probably pretty healthy to feel these "feels" out but sometimes my thoughts are a bit dark even for me and I can handle pretty dark.

Well I feel particularly f****d tonight,

I was trying to distract myself from suicidal thoughts with WP and coming here seems to have caused an increase in suicidal thoughts...

f**k my life

(((dcj)))

Anything we can do to help? Wish I knew what to say instinctively but I always worry I'll upset people or offend them if I try to comfort them. I won't say 'it'll be OK' because I know how you feel and it would just seem like patronising or telling you to get over it. Just, you're not totally alone in this.

Would a rant about tech take your mind off things? Did you find out what was up with your mouse not scrolling properly?

I am okay, I am just reminded that I am the equivalent socially to a maggot who is lower then dirt. Maybe even a defective maggot which funny cause I am defective.

I think maybe I don't need to be the first person to reply to something, nope, that is not good for me. Just wait until someone who is not a social maggot makes an actual intelligent comment and then come in and act like that was my idea as well. Sometimes I forget how to blend in which must go back to being defective, I mean, I have been dealing with this for my entire life. You think I would be the master of my own skills but I guess not.

I am back to not caring, we are cool

'I am okay', now there's a complex statement! Okay is such a relative term...

I take it you had a bad exchange on WP this evening? That's a shame, I don't like to see that. You'd think since pretty much all of us have social or communicative difficulties, we would try to take this into account before taking something negatively . I don't want to get into forum politics though lol, just to say that I find your comments to be intelligent, and always well meaning.

You're not a maggot. I think your defectiveness is a matter of perspective; on a bad day I think I'm 'defective', on a good day I'm just 'different' with no negative or positive connotations. So, 'back to not caring' is a win, I guess? I'm not caring today too, I am blissfully indifferent. It's a lot better than beating yourself up.

Okay these tears too shall pass,

Unfortunately though if anyone knocks on my door I am screwed for more then one reason with the state of my eyes plus crying has lead to blurred vision.

Joy me,

Crying as a 26 year old man feels like being castrated as an fyi,

Oddly enough I can be pretty chill during these sessions, I would rather be crying my way through a game then deal with people at least. I just don't see a point for tears, stupid function, I am no more upset then any other day but now my body wants to act as defective as my brain is. I kinda just let that part of my brain meltdown while I try and maintain another thought process which is gonna be dark souls so peace while I cry my eyes out to some gaming.

The worst state I ever had to answer my door in was in halls at uni. Middle of the day (I should have been in class), my room was a tip and I was a crying mess myself. Worst of all I had tried to make myself snap out of it so I'd written this vitriolic "sort yourself out" speech to myself and stuck it to my wall. It was clearly the room of a crazy person, and I had to awkwardly let the hall-caretaker come in and inspect the lightbulbs or something, very aware of how f*****g nuts I came across .

That said, the uni did have a duty of care to us in halls and nobody ever followed up on that. If you'd have seen the stuff I'd written...

So I hope nobody bothers you this evening, it only makes you feel worse

Also crying shouldn't feel emasculating but I'm sorry if it does, that's not fair on men. Do you feel almost chemically imbalanced when you cry like this? That's how it feels to me; logically inexplicable but impossible to shake.

Just every word of this,

This song has been on repeat since I found it

No actually,

There is logic there and the logic is that I am horrible person, an offender, a ignorant fool. There is almost no negative word that I can't apply to myself... with logic and past examples. I feel like a horrible person because I am a horrible person which makes that pill that much harder to swallow.

dcj, depression fools us into thinking that we are horrible. doesn't make it true. from all my interactions with you, you seem like a decent person.

I don't know what I've written for the last few days that hasn't been a rant. I think they've been clever, thoughtful rants for the most part, but I consider them rants nonetheless.