What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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I found an old journal this morning of a very dark time when I was packing this morning. I can’t believe I’d forgotten that. Maybe it’s a repression situation.

A part of me is still not believing my current reality.

That the unmanageable is manageable.
Now, I can ignore myself. Focus better in what's more important.

A part of me just isn't believing that my wish -- the kind of adult I'm supposed to be and imagine myself as a young adult had everything went right -- just came true.
Just a decade late.

That a lot of crap I've been dealing since single digit ages that wasted my 20s is largely gone. That it's over.

That I've been planning plans, listing lists...
... My head just refuses to believe. Because of the crap I've been still dealing with puberty. The crap that kept me in a developmental time loop and not keeping up with my own body.

But now I can disregard the damn body. Thanks to my wish. That it's real. Real enough to truly move on.

So much so I'm so excited for this change, the one I've been waiting for so, so long --
A part of me just, JUST refuses to believe it.


I'm giving myself 3 months.
Maybe when my head is convinced that it's real and not some every other week deception...

... I want to make a decision. A real large one.

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

The things I'm worrying about right now:-

1. The new work rotas next week, as they're not really thought out properly and there's going to be a lot of rushing around and pressure

2. The therapy 'homework' I've got to do for the next two weeks until my next therapy session, it's a bit challenging for an ADHDer

3. Being short of money this week for the rent because my partner had to buy new glasses

4. My partner's friend coming tomorrow who compulsively smokes weed in our kitchen and I don't know how to tell him that I prefer him to smoke that trash outside and as far away from me as possible

5. A work from home job has been suggested to me but not sure if I should take it or not as it requires a lot of numbers and explaining things over the telephone, two things I'm not very good at (though the explaining things might come easier after being trained and knowing what I'm talking about), also having noisy neighbours above 24/7 isn't really the right environment to set up office in

6. Losing my job in the future and being short of money (my job isn't 100% stable)

7. The Reform party getting elected


All these thoughts keep swirling round and round in my head and I keep trying to seek reassurance for some of them but people don't really have the answers so I just become more anxious. Usually answers and reassurance are good ways to ease a worry I have about something.

It's good you're actively looking for another job whilst you're still in one

You're working hard to sort your head out mate so you should be proud of yourself

At least while having no money my partner can't buy beers and get drunk. So that's something.

Yeah, I don't agree that alcohol brings out a true self. Being under the influence of alcohol is a form of being under the influence of a drug in general. A sober self is the more natural self.

I think people get this cliche from the fact that alcohol reduces inhibitions and some people can let slip things they have been keeping inhibited - feelings perhaps that they might be too scared to reveal otherwise or an inhibited with for serious reasons, i.e, the repercussions of ones feelings being shared truthfully.

That's why I don't know how NTs can trust each other with secrets when drinking alcohol is so appealing to them and they get drunk then let the cat out the bag all the time. Mind you, autistic people drink too. I don't drink, which is why everyone's secrets are very safe with me.