Rants

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I feel... I feel like a person. I feel, for the first time in a long time, that I'm real. I've made a connection. But why? What is it about her? Why her? Why? I'm so confused. I feel like I'm living multiple lives, but the only one I really want to live is the one with her. Why? I've only known her since Wednesday, and I've never even seen her face or heard her voice. So why? What is it about her that makes me feel this way? Is it even her? Is this just all in my head? Is that what I want it to be? This shouldn't even be happening. There's so many reasons it wouldn't work out. But I don't know. I feel like maybe she's feeling something similar? I don't know. If she'd be willing to work for this like I am... But what even is "this"? What do I want? I don't know. This isn't normally how my love interests go. I'm supposed to run into something recklessly and hurt everyone involved when the honeymoon period wears off and I realize my true feelings. Or rather, the lack of them. But this isn't that. This is... I don't know. This is... It feels more real. Everything feels more real. I'm not used to all these feelings. All these questions. I always have some kind of answer when I'm questioning myself or my feelings. Even if they don't hold up, I have answers. But now? I have none. I have no answers. I can't even think of any that sound good but I know aren't true. I just have feelings. So many feelings.

That is good TheGirlinTheTower

Is it good to become numb to suicidal thoughts? Is that a good solution? Is it bad to have these feelings every other week or so?

I guess so,

Both of you- dcj123 and racheypie66 are very human and have a multitude of struggles though, you keep pushing onwards which in no terms is easy, I give you credit for the intestinal fortitude you both share.

^^Focusing on your fears will only attract more fears, since you are in charge of your life, but focusing on positive things and love and light will increase your well-being and attract more wonderful-ness.

I'm sending well-wishes, spirit love, and spirit light [and some winged kitties, just for good measure!] to anyone and everyone.

I feel inferior because I have autism, I am burden on everyone. I can't do anything right and most everyone has to fix what I screw up, no one wants to be my friend because I am truly a loser. I am defective, I just want to be alone forever. I don't ever want to speak again, all I do is bring pain and conflict. All I can do is just cry, there is nothing else that can be said or done.

Myahh I don't like people, people are scary, especially strangers.

why use autism as a tool for political and ideological propaganda?
oh wait, there's ('obviously') no more p&i goals, instead there's diversity politics as ideology

or put it like,
voluntairy opting out of normal, to be put and labelled in different conditions,
really??????????????

let's call that a "smart move"

You KNEW better than to remind me why I gave up on people.

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I finally got the Medicaid approval for my Entivio infusions and now I hear that the pharmacist at the hospital has put a hold on it until he can decide if it's worth the liability issues. WTF? Idk what the hell he's worried about. It's not my fault no one else has gotten it there before, it's a relatively new drug. Someone has to be the first.

Who's liable if my bowel pops and I die waiting?? I already been waiting since August, when my old GI's office lied about filling out the approval when I said I didn't want a 5hr round trip and wanted to do it at my local hospital. I'm literally starving myself because my bowel won't stay open. That and the steroids that are flipping eating away at my body and mental health are my only treatment right now. I'm sick of writhing in pain screaming for days every time my bowel swells shut and I'm so freaking sick from malnutrition and I don't have the energy (mental or physical) to deal with anymore.

I'm just a big mess.. I'm so worried about the election tomorrow. Both major candidates arent great. I wasnt worried in other elections because the candidates seemed actual sane and not so messed up!

I'm married but I still feel so alone. I have a good marriage but it doesn't instantly fill the void of lack of friends. I suck at having real life friends. My online friends ditch me quick. It honestly feels like I can't be sad or I will lose another online friend...

This month is horrible also because my birthday is later, which is usually a sad time because of how alone it is usually. Same goes for Thanksgiving.

I'm grateful for a roof over my head, a nice place to live, a nice wife, 2 loving cats and more.. but I still seem so messed up, anxious and alone...