Rants

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Nope.
I refuse to even think about thinking about it.

To anyone who needs

Just leave me alone, ok?
I'm sick of your f*****g mind games.
I don't care how caring and harmless you profess yourself to be - your behaviour is not showing it.
If you're so wonderful, then why do you scare me?
And it's not because I'm too precious as you like to point out.
It's because you're too invasive.

^Yeah.. Playing mind games is not a nice thing to do.....

raleigh, it sounds like you've already left the person, but they sound like they might have traits of someone who will turn out to be physically abusive.

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Predi ... lationship

Maybe I should go ahead and kill myself

Its been a whole year and its not getting better or worse, it just is and its bad and its broken and it hurts everyday.

Why I am I even here? Did I not learn anything from life? Do I need to cause more pain and division? Apparently I do

Oh...

This is going to hurt tonight... I feel the ocean behind my eyes

dcj, your depression is not letting you think clearly. there's no way you are equal in culpability to your brother in that relationship, for example. depression makes us feel worthless and guilty though mostly there's no factual basis for those feelings.

Devil is in the details

Okay, first off, yes my brother is a horrible person but I have only shared the details that paint him in a bad light to be honest. For starters, you have to know his logic. He is about five years old, ten on a good day. He is criminal, yes, but he honestly... is stupid for lack of better word. There is a bigger picture there and a lot of his choices make sense if I had that background too. He is abusive in ways I can even put into words but he is also an idiot and was high on crack when he did most of what he did. Does it make it right? Nope. Does it remove all of his humanity? I would hope not. In fact when you think about it, me focusing on the bad speaks volumes of my character.

racheypie666, I saw your question on the other page, I am still processing.

Example #1

My brother thought it was a good idea to blow up a car because it would be fun. He used fireworks and seemed confused on why the police arrested him. Someone told him it was fine and he completely saw no problem there.

Example #2

He thought he was going to damage the ceiling a floor below him hardcore after spilling a small cup of water.

Example #3

He thinks its a good idea to drive a car that has 250,000 miles on it into the west coast desert and live homeless there, in fact this dude is probably dead for all I know.

Example #4

"I only do drugs because people around me do drugs, seemed like the normal thing to do."

Example #5

"I only married < blank > so I can get away from < blank > consequence from parole, I mean I can just divorce her afterwards"

Okay...

I don't know about you but this doesn't seem like a logical person at all. A house pet is about all my brother will ever be in life.

Oh and the Internet... That is a living entity that is going to outsmart humanity some day and that is just the tip of the iceberg with the conversations I have had with my brother about technology. I have had some many conversations with him that have just ended with an "okay have fun with that" kind of conclusion.

Plus from a survival stand point, the desert is the worse place he can go, you can't make a single mistake. If I was to go to the mountains or woods with him, I would not trust him with any mission critical task and he is going into the wild where every task is a mission critical task.

the fact that you are willing to consider your brother's context is strong evidence of mature moral reasoning. consider your own context, dcj.

Well f**k...

I feel stupid now,

That is a slightly different picture isn't it?

Okay I'll roll with that for a bit.

But the question that can still lead to negativity is do other people remember me with the same feelings. Just because I try to consider intent and motive doesn't mean other people will consider my actions with intent and motive.

In fact... most of them pretty much want me to kill myself, they were very verbal about it.

i can't imagine the sort of people who would tell someone else to commit suicide. i know they wouldn't be decent folks and are not worthy of having their notions taken seriously.

I am sorry but I have to got to say this, its brutal but its how I feel, I can't hold on to this... I am sorry...