24 Nov 2016, 1:49 pm
This is going to be a poor quality rant because I don't know exactly what to say. Do you ever just feel 'off' one way or another but find the feeling hard to place? I think I might be scared but I don't know why. Fear I've made a social mistake? Might be sad, too.
I had a fight this morning but it isn't that.
I am trying today, I am trying to do the right thing for my own mental health. I've been tidying my room and it's getting there. I phoned back my doctor when they left a voicemail, and I made an appointment as requested. Normally I find returning calls/checking voicemail quite daunting, but I did it. I made peace (ish) with my dad without ceding any ground, and I know I won because he's talking to me.
So why do I feel so bloody 
???
I am pretty low, but since I don't know why I'm also guilty. Other people's problems are more tangible, therefore they feel more valid. I want something to take the edge off. I want someone to hold my hand. The seeming impossibility that either of those wants will be fulfilled is crushing me.
Yep, that was low quality rambling at its finest. Sorry guys.
PS. ^^^ Hope the police are gone and you are left in peace. Once you've established a connection between police and anxiety it's pretty impossible to break. Plus you get more anxious because you think your anxiety will make you act strange, and draw unwanted attention.
24 Nov 2016, 3:16 pm
racheypie666 and cathylynn,
Yes they left, it appears someone is having a bad holiday experience. It seems they followed three vehicles that were traveling together up in here and I stopped caring when I saw them talking amongst themselves. Except lol my neighbor saw me using binoculars in the hallway... I don't even care lol
Sorry for delay, I am cooking thanksgiving for myself... to enjoy... alone...
24 Nov 2016, 3:26 pm
^^^ Good 
That they left, not that you're alone, or that the other people had a run-in with the police. Keep digging lol...
Did you try and hide the binoculars, or did you play it casual and just keep on using them 
?
Happy thanksgiving!
24 Nov 2016, 3:43 pm
24 Nov 2016, 3:45 pm
^ 
This is my policy when I'm doing weird stuff too.
Play it cool
24 Nov 2016, 4:04 pm
MORE RANTING
2/3 of my direct neighbors think I am special and the other wants to kill me.
However 1 of the 2 that think I am special is pissing me off because he thinks he can get away with stuff like acting a fool at my front of door, using drugs with his door open, and making as much noise as possible at 3:00 AM.
He is actually right now that I think about it
I am not calling the cops on him because I don't want to deal with them 
24 Nov 2016, 4:25 pm
24 Nov 2016, 4:33 pm
Its amazing what you can witness as a child and someone perceived as lacking cognitive functioning.
Since I have made so many mistakes here and just stop talking at some point. People say horrible things in front of me, they speak as though I am not in the room and last time I was waiting for a pizza. Everyone in the building starting talking about me like I was not in the room.
24 Nov 2016, 4:40 pm
Yeah it's funny what you can observe when people underestimate you.
Ouch, that's rough. A colleague did that to me a while back. Ironically she was talking about how I never say anything, and I wouldn't say anything to this. Well, she was right; how the hell am I supposed to know how to respond to that kind of thing anyway? The options are a)ignore b)get aggressive, and b) isn't really an option in most situations.
Not if I want to keep my job anyway
24 Nov 2016, 4:47 pm
24 Nov 2016, 5:23 pm
LOL
I want X too 
But I heard you and I can sometimes have a problem with online shopping but I don't worry about it cause I have always been able to pay my bills. However, I know the feels of wanting something you can't have
I didn't reply not because I think my issues are more important then yours but I didn't know what to say for a while.
24 Nov 2016, 5:46 pm
That's ok, I don't know what to say a lot of the time 
.
I want X too
haha, well hard luck I'm all out
It's not online shopping this time, I wish it were. Then I would only be damaging my finances, whereas in this case my health, mind and finances are taking a hit. I can still stay afloat but I'd be doing so much better in every regard if I wasn't so weak for the X in question.* And I could say what it is, maybe I will some day, but I'm going to coward out. People wouldn't get it > judgement> rejection
.*or maybe I'd just be failing differently
25 Nov 2016, 1:12 pm
Just an endless loop of >>I want X>>I need X>> s**t, I don't have any>> scanning all possible locations and options >> no, f**k, I really don't have any>>... but... >>I want X>> and so on.
Shut up brain, I will win today for once in my life. I will f*****g win.
Edit to clarify the X in question isn't a nefarious substance. Rachel-destroying yes, but nothing conventionally awful.
I didn't give in! I won, for a whole day!
Depressing what an achievement that is, but hey, I did it. I will try and make it 2 days if I can manage the next 6 hours.
25 Nov 2016, 5:36 pm
25 Nov 2016, 7:20 pm
^ Alas no, I have a handle on cake consumption.
I make them, and everybody else eats them before I can get a slice.
That means they're good at least
25 Nov 2016, 7:33 pm
