I Fail...

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Well, i've been to a therapist for the first time in 8 years last week. Not only were they pleasant to talk to but they also work in tangent with someone who prescribed me both anxiety meds and anti depressents which i've been on for two weeks.

Your negative thinking, is not insignificant, its just if the options are running low, then they being unpleasant needs to be something you need to come up with a strategy to move past in order to get the help needed.

If you were able to go in, have a PTSD symptom (or something like it) and was able to then get help with that in the first place, to someday make those very issues you have an issue coping with (including the ones from school) insignificant or something you could eventually deal or cope with, doesn't the reward more than make up for the risk?

I guess I don't see what the point in the reward is if I feel too dead inside to enjoy it, also I don't think there is really a cure for PTSD especially when it becomes full blown which mine pretty much has not to mention I've been under far too much stress ever since I first noticed symptoms......I did everything I should not have done as far as the ptsd goes, 6 years of over-stressing my brain beyond reason. But yeah I guess I don't really see what sort of help would make those things insignificant.

The thing is if your general level of anxiety goes down you won't feel as dead inside anymore. Chronic anxiety causes the anhedonia. Your body and brain is so worked up constantly preparing for "fight or flight" that it literally has nothing left over. It's true that acute PTSD symptoms might never go away completely, i.e. you might always have some triggers. But if you have less "background" anxiety (I'm talking just general tension that's always there even when you're not being subjected to an immediate trigger), the acute symptoms will almost certainly go down so that you can deal with a trigger every once in a while and then recover afterwards rather than being in a constant state of lingering anxiety. The problem is when your anxiety never goes down because your mind is in a constant state of uncertainty and worry, you start losing your ability to feel rewarded from anything. But if you can make some progress towards getting a diagnosis, documentation, and can eventually get on SSI you'll feel less uncertain and more confident. At this point I think even a small level of confidence you can derive from making progress will allow you to feel less anxious overall. Of course if your feeling suicidally depressed it gets hard to even imagine what it's like to feel better. That's the insidious thing about it. It doesn't just take away you're ability to feel truly happy and confident, it takes away your ability to even imagine getting better. I think this is the problem you're running into now. I really wish there was something I could say to make it easier, but its hard as I've been there to some degree and realize it's hard as hell.