Wrong Planet Sucks!!

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Your response echoes my own. How can YOU ask that on an AUTISM forum?

Anyway, I know what you're saying but I'm not sure what you're looking for can be found. It's just the nature of some of our deficits, and it sucks. So no answers here, but lots of empathy. I feel lonely myself, until I am actually around people...

You can entertain others with song and dance, but a performer with his audience isn't quite the same relationship.

Frequency Contamination sounds familiar, but I haven't done much research on it. I'm guessing sound is one factor, and signals that are sent and received in general.

Autism has it's purposes from what I can tell, but the applications vary widely, both positives and negatives.
There must be some reason(s) for everything that's going on.

Epigenetic mutation... I happen to have some Marfanoid or Fragile X symptoms as well.
There is a type of cat, the munchkin cat, that has Pectus Excavatum, a Marfanoid symptom.

That's the same question that came to my mind. Not only on an autism forum, but also in The Haven.

Well, I know this is perhaps an inefficient method of communication, but I tend to just send out what seems like random information to others. Whatever is on my mind that I feel I can share somewhat safely without my paranoia reacting is what I will display to others. It's extremely trial and error. I'm not sure what my special interests are anymore, so I will often just go on rambling without end about whatever is taking priority in my mind, repetitively... there is no stereotypical point to it or a big picture.

The only reason is to receive reciprocation of information from others, whatever it may be, and that is hit and miss as well depending on their interests. I am seeking positive reciprocation, and avoiding offensive negatives from others as much as possible in order to avoid sensory overloads. Interests have become a very hazy area for me lately due to all of the over stimulus in my current environment.

I've lost interest in everything, and now find myself seeking some sort of very close and comfortable friendship in a place that is completely text based, sadly. I used to have a strong interest in video games and some TV shows, but there's just not much for me to say about those anymore. My family always scolded me growing up for only talking about video games all of the time, so I do feel ashamed every time I share something that I care about with someone.

I don't know how to communicate without going into great detail, I can never succeed at being concise without being extremely vague and even further misunderstood. Normally, I would type about 10 times more than this post here.

I'm not sure what I feel. Am I feeling anything at all? When I'm scared, I feel angry... and vice versa. I know positive from negative emotions, but it's all so blended into my reality. Sometimes I feel like I am a physical manifestation of loneliness, not even feeling lonely because I always am alone... at least for 86% of my lifespan so far, and 100% alone for the past 6 years. I live with my family, but I do not consider them allies for more than shelter. I used to be somewhat closer to them, but that died off long ago.

So... yeah. Close friendship. Why? I don't even know. It doesn't always bother me. Usually I would detach from humanity and delve into special interests, usually it was video games, or TV shows... anything to fill that void of being alone, to distract my mind as much as possible, and even imagine the characters in stories as some sort of friends... and even be vicarious... but I often find myself doubting that anyone would ever accept me, even these fictional characters.

Now, one theory I have sometimes is that this may be about sexual interest, but I already feel somewhat satiated in that department, although I do feel that it could be much better if it were a reality rather than a fantasy. But... that is only a relatively small portion of the relationship in regards to the amount of time involved together, unless you put foreplay into the equation, which generally goes on for a large portion of the relationship... at least in my experience.

I don't know. Just having someone nearby that you can sense as a positive entity that feels the same as you do.
I don't know how to describe it. My one relationship was a bit turbulent, obviously. We had no real common interests.
I liked video games, she liked other stuff that I did not like. I'm not sure why she was with me other than sex. I thought she had more common interests when we started dating, but it turned out I was somehow wrong. I just didn't know her very well until later. We didn't even speak that much at the start... it kinda just turned physical very early I suppose. It's such a distant memory now. I started dating her more than 10 years ago, and I was heavily medicated.

I haven't had an offline friend other than her since then. I had a few friends before I met her, some were very uncomfortable for me to be around sometimes, and others were pretty decent I suppose, but I really don't even remember anymore. All I remember is playing video games with them, watching TV shows and movies, and maybe talking a little about I don't even know what anymore. One time I did get a fling out of hanging out with the ones that made me more uncomfortable at times.... but metaphorically, that turned out to be much like using heroin and then never getting to use it again, and always looking for it in vain... until a few years later when I did get a long term relationship, of course.

How did I meet these people? One group of friends I met through family. The other in school and in the video game store that I used to spend much of my time in. I've had other friends before that, I don't know how I met them. But, it was always video games, TV shows, and music.... however, I typically preferred to listen to music alone due to the over stimulation I have with music.

Now, ever since I escaped the torment of schooling, I've been agoraphobic, rarely leaving home. Although, this home is a terrible experience as well. I haven't had any interest whatsoever in the outside world since then, other than people. Just spent most of my time playing video games, researching video games, listening to music, TV shows, anime, movies... and all that turned into philosophy somehow. I remember being obsessed with non-linearity and linearity in video games. I had this strange obsession with trying to find a perfect video game that mimics life and I could not find it and it was really depressing... pretty dumb right there, I'm playing it right now and so is everyone.

I focused on the freewill based and deterministic aspects of video games, usually preferring the freewill for some odd reason. I wanted a game that never ended somehow... again, right here, life... well, at least if you know that life never ends since it is technically impossible to be conscious of unconsciousness. I started to realize that all video games are technically linear no matter what. I thought of this without end for years. I realized that life is the same. It's all on rails.

What is it all for? I discovered synchronicity, and at first it was that typical esoteric knowledge madness you may have heard of. Slowly, I have been witnessing what would seem impossible to most people unless this world is merely a long fixed nightmare I am having. I have no control over my thoughts, feelings, and therefor no control over myself whatsoever. I try to be as efficient as possible. I find that my consciousness is connected with others that are unconscious of me. I'm not going to go into great detail about this right now. You wouldn't believe me anyway. It's like asking someone in your dream if you are dreaming... and all they would say is, "No, you are awake. Obviously."

Yeah, you could say I am displaying psychotic symptoms here, and you'd be right, but it's not a big deal for me lately... except for the feeling that I am getting messages from artists that I will die right when I get what I want out of life... well, at least I would be able to die happy. I don't really care if I die or not. I guess I just want to feel good. I can't imagine death as we call it being the end, it makes no sense to me.

I used to be suicidal. For years I planned on killing myself. Why? Because I couldn't figure out how to get a relationship. Why would I let such a thing torment me? I don't know. It has been an obsession of mine since I was a toddler, maybe that's why. There is no reason other than that... I guess. Just a pointless objective... it's supposed to create happiness. But, I've found that it only creates more depression, despair, and loneliness. What good times you have will be lost. This world is a giant ball of drugs, with it's ups and downs, and the higher you get, the harder you crash.

Fearing that crash is not fun... so why even bother finding a relationship? Why not just float on the water like a duck? I don't know. It just starts to feel like I am sinking... therefor I am sinking, and need to try to lift myself... but, you know how it is... always trying too hard... why can't I just casually go about my life, rather than being so extremely serious about getting to whatever goal I have? All or nothing... why can't I find some sort of easy going balance? I can't. I've tried... but I always try too hard at everything I do, and it's a lot of eggs to put into one basket and break... and then having to collect a bunch of new eggs to put into one basket again and again and again only to have them break over and over again.

So what am I suppose to do? Just sit there and drown? I suppose. That appears to be what is happening now. That's alright. I feel my affect blunting more and more with each passing day. Nothing even feels real sometimes. The amount of stress and insanity my mind is being put through is astounding, and no one sees it, no one understands it, and I am trampled upon even further.

Bah... I don't know... I'd like to just go back to watching "The Walking Dead"... "Fear The Walking Dead" on tonight!
Yes. Favorite show. Kind of an obsession with zombie stories and such. Good times with sympathetic feelings.

Doesn't sound too unusual to me. I think most of us want acknowledgement and understanding about their experiences. I see other people do it so effortlessly, and people just get it intuitively. No blank looks or questioning stares that you can tell means "doesn't compute".

Whatever it takes to turn your mind off a while. Think of the advice for if you get caught in a riptide....fight it and drown, or surrender to the current until the waters quiet down. It feels counterintuitive, but actually is the wisest use of strength.

So much normality and correctness going on, american correctness imo,
so being open and honest is def. going to hurt.
Post some music again, that's a friendly place ! Or go to other games you like!

I can't stand being criticized unless I agree with them. I criticize myself all the time, no big deal. But, when someone is telling me something that makes no sense to me, and contradicts what I am trying to do, it creates a painful short circuit that I end up trying to analyse and fix. I think I'd rather be punched in the gut.



Yup, most people just seem to do it like it's as easy as breathing.
But, why? Why do I need acknowledgement/understanding? It makes no logical sense. Maybe as an instinct, yeah.
But, that's just as useful as getting emotions to protect yourself from something that emotions cannot help you with.

I'm surviving, and if it wasn't for this f*****g desire for acknowledgement/understanding, I would be thriving.
This stupid desire that I have is doing nothing but f*****g me up! It's supposed to be for a good purpose, I know.
But, it's destroying everything that has been good in my life.

The thoughts repeat in my head endlessly... and these thoughts are thought with a very low pitch monotone accent...
this person is wrong, that person is wrong, must fix, must correct, going insane, self-destruct, f**k everyone in this world... must find compatible person, must find one person who understands and acknowledges. Can't find them... anger, anger, anger, anger, anger... repetitively. Can't escape.

Try playing a video game, watch a TV show, listen to music, make music, draw a picture... still thinking of people that are wrong... still thinking of people that are wrong... angry... so angry... must find an escape... can't... must find decent person... often in vain... found some decent people... short lived... not complete, all text... just walls of text. Meaningless. Why am I doing this? Why won't it stop?

I want to just give the f**k up already! But, it's like I just can't get myself to stop!
It's like I am a f*****g android and I'm not even operating it, I'm just observing everything it does and I feel what happens!
Surrender to the current... fight it and drown... to me, this means I should accept every bullet I take.
I know all about this, but it's easier said than done. I don't know why I can't just relax and accept the stabs to my ego.



I should be talking about common interests rather than talking like this.
I don't even know what to talk about in regards to common interests.
I'm not even sure what's going on here. This is extremely confusing.
Why am I here? Why does any of this matter? What the... Whattt????
I am a sock inside of a bear that was swallowed by a whale and then turned to s**t that fed the leprechauns and they all lived inside of the toenail clipping of Bill Gates which is located in the sewers directly below a grandmother's chicken saladdddd. And, I would like some onions with that. You have problem with me, you can tell that monkey that's feeding your Sponge Bob some derp derp! Mentals! The Fish Maker! *Turns into Daffy Duck* and *sinks into the ground* and ends up on Pluto where it's cold and dark and you hear random barking from out of nowhere, and then *runs in fear* of the dogs criticisms that consist of bark bark.... bark bark bark... and bark bark bark bark.........

http://the-office.com/bedtime-story/classics-alice-5.htm

We all like to be heard. I know I do. But I've noticed that a lot of the threads are the same thing. People feeling shunned, left out, betrayed, etc. It's hard to really comment to everybody's problems when it's the same thing.

I have felt this way too and then worry that I am annoying people or that I am a joke to them. And I wonder or worry that some of my responses to other posters might come across as condescending or completely irrelevant. It feels pretty bad when you start a thread that is important to you and there is no response.

That's another reason I avoided creating an account and posting here for so long. There's not much to be said that hasn't already been said. I've seen people here experiencing much conflict. ASD or not, other people are difficult to understand and/or get along with.



I hate being seen as annoying or condescending. I seem to almost always be irrelevant. No one takes me seriously, not even my therapist. Therapist's don't even know what I mean when I say stuff, and they seem to never know how I feel. It's like I'm not even speaking English correctly... which seems to be the case from what I can tell, on top of my severely impaired non-verbal skills most likely confusing people along with it.

I hate when people say I'm very intelligent, because obviously I am not succeeding at anything other than body building, so how am I intelligent? I just appear to be intelligent, and am actually very stupid and dumb. They make me feel ashamed of myself for appearing to be choosing to suck at life. Why would I f**k myself over like that?

I tried to reply a few times last evening but the reply page wouldn't load.

Anyway, as far as people saying that about being intelligent and if they implying that you are intentionally not living up to your potential, they probably just truly do not understand what you deal with in your personal life living with the condition you have. They really probably just do not get it. It is very easy to look at someone who is not physically impaired and think or say, "Oh, you're just not trying hard enough. You're so intelligent. If you just put your mind to it, you could do it!" Sometimes I think these things are said because the person saying them has no idea what to say or how to help you or what to suggest and they also just want to move on to talking about something else due to the discomfort of not knowing what to do.

As far as expressing yourself, have you tried writing? Get some paper or a journal that you feel comfortable with and just write whatever you want: what you did, what you thought about. I do not feel as though I have gotten my point across or been understood unless I write it. And it goes on and on. No one else reads it, but it gets things out. Writing is very different from speaking. And no one interrupts for clarification so you can just keep going on your "train of thought" and there are no facial expressions or opinions from the other person to deal with until you are finished if you give it to someone to read. It can be done at your pace, not the listener's pace.

I recently had a doctor's appointment, and I told her about some of my troubles because she had asked me, and her advice to me was to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I am good enough, and that I can accomplish whatever I want or need to. And, I told her that I didn't understand what she meant by that... but I kinda started getting the idea in my head that she thought I was good looking. She's gorgeous... but yeah, I'm not sure how that was supposed to help me find a peaceful environment to live in. Self esteem maybe, but I don't know. A girl I know was touching my muscles a few days before that... but she's with someone else that I know, so it's really weird for me. A big boost to my self esteem though. I miss talking with her, but after that I'm kinda worried that she might be into me, and I don't want to cause any trouble... but I doubt I would be able to resist her if she made further moves on me.

I do write sometimes, but it's been a long time since I've done it regularly. When I first came here this year, there was a girl I started talking to here on Wrongplanet... but I wrote too much, and she couldn't process everything I was saying. She still liked me, but she didn't really understand what I was saying a lot of the time I guess. So, I tried to be more concise... and it turns out I'm horrible at that. I just end up being extremely vague. I used to write long messages to online friends, and they would write back messages that were just as long, if not longer. But, I always felt like I wanted an offline friend during those times. Now I feel like I just want peaceful solitude, for the most part. It would be nice to have a friend though, but that seems really unlikely when I rarely leave the house. I'm thinking of going to group therapy again, maybe I'll meet people there.

Sometimes I'm scared to answer.
Sometimes I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I know what to say but not how.
Pls don't take it personally.

I'm the same.
I'm always scared that what I say will cause trouble.
I don't know what to say either, or how to say it.