I am worthless!

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It is a generalisation, but its good that you are attracted to the more naturally nurturing gender.
No one is perfect or normal, everyone could potentially be a burden to the wrong person in a relationship.

The symptoms you experience are not a burden, they are indicators of an illness. People who interpret illness as being a burden are the type of person you should run away from.

Your right, it is a generalisation and I am sorry about that, that is from fear and bad experiences, I would like to have someone to confort me and love me but I am afraid I am going to be too much, all this wanting to love back but fear holding me back at times, I really really want to beable to trust someone but extremely scared and my instincts of possible danger go into overload and guard comes up, instincts are a good thing but overloaded instincts due to a really bad experience are difficult. Something I need to work on and learn to slowly lower my guard as a means of letting someone in, I can do it I think I can at least, I will keep trying to train and regulate my ability of detecting threats much better, being on guard is fine but too long is probably not, I just want to know I am safe, everything is going to be ok and that she will not hurt me or try to and cares about me and if there is someone like that for me, by god I will give her all the love and affection I have been holding back for such a long time, I have had it built up for so many years but caged by my fear. If she has that key to unlock that cage and remove my fear my overbearing love will be there. I will love her and thank her for everything, I will thank her for saving me. I dont know why but now I am crying while typing this, my emotions are getting to the best of me again.The irony of it all I am the the damsel in distress hoping to find that female knight in shining armor to rescue me for once, *sigh.

No woman can make you feel better, but if you work on boosting your health and wellness in an educated manner, you wont be reliant on another person to do that for you.

This is you as you are now, you cant go backwards, only forwards with those experiences and that is OK, everything changes with time, you will be in a different situation one year from now, just like everyone else will too, the things you are focusing on might still be the same, but other parts of your life will be different. I know that this time last year I asked you about therapy and medication to help with the symptoms you experience, but your life and employment situation was very different then, and I don't recall that you were in a position to seek medical support. Do you have access to therapy as a perk of your job?

This is too big a task to tackle alone Otaku, be mindful that depression is manipulating your thoughts, even verbally offloading about the fear you feel onto a counselor is a proactive step towards psychological wellness.

No access to therapy, but I got medical benefits I can use sick leave to see a therapist if need be. I may also have to see a doctor, esspecially after reading this http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/major-depression I have been experiencing all the signs. Highly likely to be SAD paired with the relapses from past experiences that have occured to traumatic events, I am noticing the red flags now, its making perfect sense. But you are right I cannot work this all out alone, I have been doing it all on my own for many years and very little progress has been made, I would have much better progress if I go see a doctor or therapist.

Perhaps it would also be helpful for you to research "complex PTSD"? There are many new novel therapies for this nowadays. One involves eye movement - I'm not sure of the details, but it's apparently getting good results. It has something to do with re-training the amygdalae (the brain structure responsible for the fight or flight response).

An enlarged amygdala is a common trait of those with autism - for example Temple Grandin's is 3x the size of a typical brain. The result is intense anxiety, fear and startle response, integrating negative experiences TOO much - leading to trauma.

I will have to check them out, thanks alot!

The source of my depression and PTSD http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relation ... onal-abuse being on the receiving end of it all. In either case I will have to get a therapist as soon as possible because my case can be very severe, I have had attempts of suicide many times, I nearly succeeded and have been attempting again and again. If I do not help myself I might actually pull it off and I will be 6 feet under, I do not want that I need to get myself help. After doing all the reading, I am scared and shocked and I need not put this stuff off anymore, this is serious s**t, I need to go get myself some help immediately! I don't want to die but i might do something stupid in the future and actually suceed in committing suicide, I matter I know this now, my life matters too, these bad thoughts come up from time to time telling me I don't but I need to fight it!

You need to get some help. Keep a suicide hotline number close by.

It is really important to have a close friend or family member who is in your corner that you can call, so that they can be with you if the mental health system takes some time to get you help.

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln's friends took his weapons away from him when he got very depressed? He would get very low and they basically put their own suicide watch on him, though it wasn't done officially by medical professionals at that time. Lincoln's Melancholy by Joshua Wolf Shenk is a great read detailing Lincoln's lifelong battle with depression, if you are interested. I found it very encouraging to know that someone who did so much in his life battled such severe depression. Shenk makes a convincing case that Lincoln's fortitude, born of needing to fight his depression for many years, made him into the great man that he was. It helps me to think that depression does not need to keep me from doing things with my life...maybe it is even making me a better, more compassionate person--hard as it is to endure at times.

I got suicide hotline on speed dial this time in case I get into one of those episodes again, I also have my sister just a few blocks down and a couple friends close by. I will keep telling myself and thinking to myself I matter, I really do and fight those negative thoughts with all my might, I must re enforce the fact I do have family and friends, I cannot leave them. I am a person I am good, I must keep living, I am as important as everyone else, I have reason I have purpose I am an individual! I must keep thinking that I must stay strong! I must press forward! I am going to change my diet and make an effort to excorsize on times off, i need to release endorphines I lack those, from somewhere I heard endorphines help with this chemical imbalance in the mind, I could take the prescriptions of Paxil and Prozac as well! I took a few hits of marijuana and it has helped quite abit, I get out of this self harming mode and self hating mode and feel everything is going to be alright and I cannot hate myself, its weird but it works. I just haven't been touching it lately it has been months since I have,because before I felt i did not need it b,ut that was not this wintertime when these relapses and flashbacks occur now, I have been testing to see if I can do without it but I cant. I need to get my card for sure! Its just that my parents most are anti weed conservitives are against it, but it could save my life! I have a few nuggets I have not smoked yet, I left them alone for many months as a test to see I can try to get through the winter without it, I have failed that test and the destructive results came in. I don't want to bring shame to my parents having to take a couple hits as a means to remove self destructive thoughts but I must do what I must because it could be very beneficial, I am not self destructive under the effects, i don't get the giggles or any of that crap it just calms me down and I am in euphoria and I have a feeling I must live and a purpose. It really doesn't do much else for me but calms me down and relaxes me, my self destructive thoughts fade away and I feel depressed no more that is it, I don't feel super buzzed or high ironically I get more buzzed getting drunk to be honest but unlike being drunk I don't feel even more down at times or too groggy to think strait or have to pee so much. My whole family are conservative republicans so its a serious delema, on that part, I had to keep my weed part a secret from them for a long long time or my family would disown me, they do not understand and its hard talking sense into them, my sister does and my brother does, but as for the parents? Nope, they are the Micheal Savage listening type. As for the Abriham lincoln part, i did not know he was depressed or suicidal something new to learn every day. I cannot die I realize if I do I will also be missing the cool new animes coming out, I have a guild to lead on raids on an MMORPG Everquest and without a leader to lead they will all leave and be sad with no upgrades. I am well liked at work and if I am not around nothing will be done! I am a dishwasher yes but at a cafe at Google, my Chef and my managers see me as the OG in the dish pit and have seen me pull of amazing things and left me the responsibility in training other dishwasers to be the best of the best at the best cafe at Google, and of all the Google buildings the one I work at is exclusive, it is the building for Google X. I am Honored to work such a place. The projects going at my campus are the self driving car and the wi fi balloon as well as some drones and some other stuff, also found out the CEO works at my building so no I am more motivated to live again! My dad is proud of me where I work and I must keep living to make him proud. Cool fact is my company purchased Boston Dynamics and we had the robotic Dog Spark at our campus 3 months ago! So yeah I may be a dish washer but I am now making over 30000 a year, thats the most I have made ever! Yes I start at 15 an hour! Interesting article http://www.laweekly.com/news/marijuana- ... ts-2389148 if my family disowns me for their conservitive beliefs, so be it, if I am to save my life then so be it! I will live on with or withought a family,. Beliefs are stupid and a waste of time anyway!

Where i live, marijuana, medical or otherwise, was a non-issue for a long time because it was not legal. It still isn't except in very select cases. A few yrs back, i encountered someone who found it very helpful for pain and depression issues. Long story that i won't detail but it opened my eyes to the possibility that this could be an effective medical treatment. If you can get your card, and cannabis helps you, why wouldn't you? Maybe if your parents see that this is a successful treatment for you, they could see it in a different light. Even if they never do, at least you would be using a therapy that works for you.

I am hoping that sometime it will be legal for medical purposes where i live. I don't feel the need for it myself--my anxiety and depression has been successfully managed by other means--but i think it should be an option. I would be classed as a political conservative myself, for the most part, on many issues...but i do believe that there should be a place for medical marijuana. It has been proven effective therapy for some conditions where other medical interventions and therapies have not been successful.

otaku..i did not know know you worked at a google place and i wouldn't have assumes....something new to learn every day, indeed...
what other cool things do you guys have in your workplace?

anyway i second that a med cannabis card is a possibility, i mean if it helps you...my parents are real old school when it comes to marijuana too, but if i could it to help me, well...my needs might be a bit more important to me than what they would think if it. same for you

I have some marijuana at my place, I will smoke it, I will also get my card and say screw it, even though weed will be legalized for recreational use in 2016 no joke. Either way though I dont smoke it often maybe once every few months but in these self destructive situations when I smoke I don't feel so worthless or hateful towards myself or thoughts of wanting to kill myself! I usually use it as a last resort when I have access to it otherwise I don't I am screwed and keep going more downhill and think darker and get self destructive

jeez, 2016 is less than 30 days away isn't it? i mean wew, the days can be long but the years sure as hell are short...i do hope it goes get legalized, at least o make it easier for people like you to get it (i just want to see people stop getting locked up over it, really).

i don't really have a last resort kind of thing for myself when i reach breaking point, just try to numb it out.

kudos to you for keeping that hotline om speed dial shows you are most certainly not afraid to ask for help, something quite a few guys struggle with..

The speed dial thing is for the best, after reading up on severe depression and suicide, my instincts for my well being has kicked and and tell me to ask for help and reach a hotline ASAP to ensure I live, when i get really depressed it clouds my thinking and blacks out my instincts to survive, that brief moment of coming to I instantly went into survival mode. Its a cry for help and my brief moment of snapping out of it and temporarily escaping the dark tentacles of depression dragging me in to the eternal dark void. I want to live, I want to live, I am truly sorry! I will call the hotline when I start getting these feelings I dont want to live and such.

I don't think that marijuana is bad as long as it's for medicinal purposes. In your case, it does sound helpful. No worse than headache medication or anti depressants. I admire that you tried to survive without, and that you want to honor your parents. However, you just might be one of the few people who need this extra thing.

Is there some way you can take it in a food or supplement form? Perhaps your parents would not be so offended by that, and it could still help you out.

The issue that a lot of conservatives have with marijuana is that Scripture speaks against the raucous, rebellion, and idolatry often found with people who abuse substances. It is contrary to the way of Christ. However, not every marijuana user is abusing it in such a manner. But for some people, it helps with various medical conditions like in your case.

I believe God made every plant for a reasonable purpose, possibly even to benefit mankind in some way. Some people may need marijuana for health, other people, like myself, don't.

Try discussing this with your therapist, and see if he has suggestions on how to respectfully approach your parents on the issue. Also, see if he knows any alternate methods for administering an effective dosage legally. One that doesn't involve smoking it, perhaps.

Perhaps you may find a way to legally take medicinal marijuana and remain in your parents's good graces.

Also, yes proper exercise, about a gallon of water a day, and a good solid 7-8 hours sleep cycle can help with depression and many other common ailments. Good to see you moving forward with these routines!

Ill be sure to get more sleep and drink more water as well, I am sorry for those I hurt, I truly am, I hate feeling worthless and being constantly told I am worthless by abusive people most my life! I am not worthless, I have a purpous to keep living, my life matters, I matter! I must rise above and fight these demons, even if I have to barge into the gates of hell and beat the living s**t out of Satan *if he exists* if I have to, my rage is my weapon and I must fight all those self hating thoughts with all my might and unleash the caged beast within me! It is time to release my inner beast and be strong, go wild and free! I must free myself and break the chains of anguish and depression and I will! I will fight, I will live! I must keep living for my friends, I must keep living for my family, for my sister, for my neice! For everyone dear to me! I also must keep living for my dead friend Misty's sake! I am NOT worthless!, I am needed and wanted in many places, without me nothing will get done! I must keep living to get things done! My friends death will not go in vain I will press hard and move forward! I will be raging like fire to show the world who's boss and I am nobodies fodder! I will aim for the impossible and achieve the impossible! I will be the best there ever is and show and destroy those who keep bringing me down wrong!My inner flame burns hotter than ever and to depression, you are my enemy I will take you down, you have held me back so long I must destroy you! I will be free, I will be happy, I will push forward and keep going! Once I do i will be ready for a new love in my life! I will keep my heart on guard in the meantime though, but even if I don't find a new love soon I will still keep moving forward and continue to gain momentum! Bring it on! Depression I dare you! I am still alive and I will always be alive! I am me I am strong I will live on! I must love others, care for others and keep on living to do so! I have succumbed to hate for so long and it has hurt me, I will be hurt no more! I will move on and press forward and be loving to others from now on! I have reason I have purpose and I matter! I am human and have a place in this world! You have tormented me long enough Depression, you will torment me no more, you will be vanquished! I matter I have purpose I have family and friends so begone!