I'm such a f**k up

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Well, maybe you needed the rest. When is your court date for this incident that took place?

Yes, I probably needed the rest - I haven't been sleeping well.

My next court date, for sentencing, is not until mid-August. Until then, I'm under supervision by the criminal justice social worker who will be working with me directly as well as helping to coordinate my other support services.

I see the CJSW this afternoon - I will have to explain the police involvement at the weekend. I'm not looking forward to it.

Just tell them the truth. I wouldn't recommend holding back. It's not like you are selling drugs or something. You are suicidal due to life circumstances and a serious developmental disability. I don't mean to get you "down" but saying that. Don't forget there are others who share struggles too, myself included. I just don't want you to downplay things or try to hide them, this isn't the time to do that.

^Yes, don't down play your struggles, particularly if negative feeling do not show on your outside (I have this). People think if you look fine, you are fine, let them know if these things don't match up with you. Good luck.

The CJSW already knew about my police involvement on Saturday. It seems news travels fast when you're stuck in the criminal justice system.

We talked about what happened and she told me that I wasn't in trouble and the police had responded to a "concern for safety" call from the shopping centre once they had been told there were no available ambulances. They had stayed at the hospital by my trolley until I was transferred to the ward from A&E and this had really freaked me out as I had felt like I was in custody, but she explained that they had found my suicide note in my bag when they searched me and that they were concerned I would abscond from treatment as I was very serious about my attempt, so they stayed to make sure I didn't. Which of course worked because I was so scared of being in trouble I barely moved at all! So, I think I believe that this won't count against me at sentencing in August, although it's still making me a little anxious.

We talked about whether I still felt suicidal (yes), whether I had a current plan (no), whether I felt at risk of serious self harm (yes - I can be very impulsive). She arranged for out of hours social work to contact me daily over the long weekend to see how I'm doing and help if necessary.

We also discussed whether I had told anyone how I was feeling and what I was planning and I said I had but that I think I came across as unemotional (I usually do, although I bawled my eyes out during our meeting today!) so people didn't get the impression I was really at risk. She said that she would make everyone aware to take me seriously if I start talking about suicide again no matter how I present. I'm not convinced they'll listen to her. And I'm not sure I'll try talking about it next time.

We also did a bit of work on identifying feelings by how they feel in my body and identifying triggers (I'm terrible at both of these).

Overall it was a helpful meeting, and I see her again in a week.

I'm glad you're talking things over, YellowBananna. It sounds like you are taking that first baby step towards piecing your life back together. Your steps will not always be forward. There will be set backs, and probably more set backs will take place early in your process because there are currently more negative circumstances surrounding your life. By that I'm referring to your legal troubles, loneliness, etc. Those are NOT absolute circumstances, they are just the hand you are working with now. In time you'll sort through those cards and be dealt new, better cards (apparently I'm in a Las Vegas mood today).

It also sounds like you have alexithymia (probably telling you something you already know). This is a difficulty interpreting emotions that leads to a delay in emotional reactions, or even seemingly a lack of emotional response. That's more reason to talk to people and type out your feelings here. That way you can sort of communicate with your brain concerning the emotions you are feeling.

I’m glad you have had some good discussions. I hope that it continues this way for you. As AspieSingleDad says, there will be setbacks, but you’ve shown yourself that you can try again.

Been feeling really low today with lots of suicidal thoughts. Out of hours social work sent me a text earlier just as my thoughts were at their worst and we ended up having a text conversation about cats vs dogs! Well, it distracted me a bit which was probably a good thing.

Had lunch with my least favourite support worker, M, today. She's quite new so I don't know her very well, but I find she talks too much which stresses me out. I have 3 hours with M tomorrow morning which I'm not looking forward to - I'd much rather spend the morning in bed!

I hope you decide to spend the time with M who talks a lot and is new. Heck, I'll admit, staying in bed sounds tempting...

I hope that when you talked about cats vs dogs, the dogs won (obviously).

Happy Easter, YellowBannana. How are things going today? I know you didn’t ask, but I guess just to demonstrate my point, I had an extremely hard day yesterday. I guess it demonstrates my point that sometimes there are setbacks. I hope you haven’t experienced anymore setbacks, I think you could use a break from those.

Where’s the bunny picture?

It's Easter Sunday, bunnies gotta work.

Sweet Pea hugs

Thanks for the continued good thoughts, folks.

In spite of feeling very low and not wanting to see anyone, I spent 3 hours with M on Saturday. We went to a cafe at a garden centre out in the country (I live in the centre of a city). It was nice to get out of town for a short while, but as usual M was talking too much and this was stressing me out.

I then went to the cinema to try to distract myself from my suicidal thoughts. I saw Ready Player One, which I thought was pretty good but my bad thoughts kept interrupting so I couldn't fully enjoy it.

When I got home I felt really bad and ended up overdosing on my anti-psychotic medication. I don't remember much from about an hour after I took it, but at some point the out of hours social worker sent me a text to check on me and I told her what I did. She called an ambulance which took me to A&E. I don't remember arriving or being at A&E, apart from being woken at 3 am to be discharged. I have evidence on my arm that they took a blood sample, but that is all I can piece together. I stumbled my way home (no buses at that time of night and I couldn't afford a taxi), went to bed, slept all through Sunday and until noon today.

I am still tired and a bit disoriented - probably the after effects of the overdose. And I'm still feeling very low.

Tomorrow morning I am starting back at my supported work placement. N (my favourite support worker) will be coming at 9 to make sure I am ready to go and help calm my anxiety beforehand. A lot of people are inadvertently stressing me about this by saying to me that things will get better once I'm back at my placement - I don't want to let anyone down.

To me, you seem to be doing at least a little better than previously.