Panic attacks.

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On a personal level I'm cool with people but I'm afraid of everyone walking on eggshells around me, which is appreciable but still a royal pain. I think there's more anxiety contributing to this than just my own.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

i wish some people WOULD walk on eggshells around me. instead i have to walk on eggshells around them, to not well upset them with being traumatized. pretend not to see it, no vision, i feel it

I am the eggshell.

so am i. and people treat me like im made of titanium. and then blame me for breaking one more time.

I have no idea what's going on. I should probably keep my head down where my social life is concerned.

Obviously I should probably go to sleep soon but I'm up late glued to infrared satellite archeology documentaries.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

well right now the 3 of us practically are expressing same pain in different words. it feels unusually, disturbingly... serene. i know the 2 of u do undestand at least part of me... and without months put in bonding, at that. also cberg, ur reading choice is really enticing) (went with modern exoskeletons the other day myself)

ofc u are right (and recalling quite an obvious part of trivia, no offence). i was just well, attempting at humor, and my attempts at humor usually suck xd
my hearing is oversensitive on quite a few levels. plus, ptsd, that is being discussed here. mine is quite big, quite complex and quite impossible to disregard xD we in tight company do make jokes about "the list of all things Vihja cant stand, fits in just 7 tb". maybe its an overstatement, but the amount of triggers i have is quite overwhelming. i even dont know about some of them, before i writher in a need of emergency help all of a sudden. some ppl had confessed taking notes on them xD some other people, being warned, throw it right out of their heads and hit me right between the eyes as many times as i can withstand before totally eliminating them from my viccinity (which is fairly to say, quite low xd usually equals 1) and as i had said, im gonna stick to things that do work for me. i dont have the durability to try stuff. nor the need, in just that regard.

I kind of feel like positive intentions are of help to me regardless of my uninformed, shy reactions to some of them. The overall amount of positivity in my life is vastly outweighed by others' demands on my skills & energy.

I was still too anxious to work through today, I just picked up my laptop & went home again. In that context, the tiniest things my friends do that they probably never think about are sometimes a big deal to me. I think this has caused me to place a far greater value on others' consideration lately.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

same here, though i react quite well, elaborately. i do tell them what they do for me, what it matters and how grateful i am. i also know, that certain ppl, people who had helped me many times over, have much much less impact if they accidently trip over a trigger (which happens from time to time, given the amount of rigs on me). and i told them that, too, btw.

I guess I haven't been quite as candid as you most days. I'm also not exactly sure I really have triggers, as it were, I do a lot to obscure the effects of this madness on my usual life. When something actually does bother me, unless I have an objection for other reasons then & there, I just let it build up into more freakout later, lest I bother someone else with my crazy nonsense.

I'm seeking some hypothetical balance between enough isolation to keep my 'baggage' from bothering good friends & being available enough not to wind up loosing my mind to that very same isolation.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos