Losing Hope

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Having experienced what it's like for males in the lower totem pole (which aspie males tend to occupy) I don't really share the optimism of some of the people here. I will say that you MUST keep yourself busy with productive hobbies and not look for a suitor directly. If she comes to you she will come to you, but constantly searching and not finding is pure torture. You can find a LOT of males in aspie forums who have been searching 30+ years their entire life and just finding nothing. This isn't right, and what the human race does to these people will be met by vengeance from above one day because humans are essentially devouring their own. Considering the circumstances I think the safest way is to simply not think about it and to work on productive hobbies that build character. If she enters into your life, then she'll enter into your life, but if not then you'd have spent the years building yourself into a worthwhile person.

But again, I will say it over and over again. With these males there is a BIG problem not often discussed that keeps them dependent on searching for a love life (which i am NOT accusing the OP). That is porn, you simply CANNOT focus on yourself when you're constantly training your mind to thirst for a suitor. It just cannot be done. This is the trap that most of them fall into that keeps them from crawling out and why advice "Just focus on yourself" falls on deaf ears most of the time. Once I stopped doing that it was MUCH easier to move on with my life. Though it was a struggle to let go which took about 2-3 years of constantly fighting temptation, but it was worth it since it gives clarity of mind and calm in focusing on productive hobbies. What I observe with these males is that no advice will work for as long as they continue to abuse themselves towards internet filth. The mind just becomes utterly hooked and dependant on attaching itself to a suitor through daily and chronic self abuse born out of loneliness. But this 'easy way out' isn't easy at all in the end. It completely shatters a male's motivation to do anything.

I don’t recommend putting lots of effort into it. I tried that. It was an exercise in futility.

The solution that worked for me was forgetting about the pursuit, and concentrating on enriching myself in other ways.

Any advice regarding the softcore type? It seems like sex appeal is all over the media and makes it both frustrating and practically impossible to avoid.

This double bind is something you can have control over, as you are setting the terms.
It reminds me of how I would set impossible NT standards for myself before I realised I was on the spectrum and afterwards too, it's taken years to soften just some of the conditioned self hatred and Ive only made significant progress in the last year through regular periods of psychotherapy.

You probably can't do it while still being hooked to the pop culture which glorifies those things. A male will need to burn bridges and leave his former life behind. Nowadays I spend my time watching interesting livestreams and drawing pictures, and playing guitar when I can. I wouldn't be able to flower in any of these if I kept on abusing my self. Livestreams have replaced TV for me and thank goodness. I'd recommend these young males to quit television altogether and stay away from netflix/disney nonsense. The pop culture is simply not for us.

Didnt want to be disingenuous, you're not ducked, there are other paths. I think this is part of rigid thinking, not sure if im projecting.

Sorry TGI, I've just been metaphorically punched in the gut by a narcissist I'm unfortunately related to. Didn't see it coming.
Will reply tomorrow when I've recovered from their bullcrap.

Since you're that passionate about it, I'd recommend putting lots of effort in. You're already doing a lot for self improvment from what I've understood, which is great, but what about the part of actually searching for a girlfriend? You've said that you don't really meet women your age in your daily life; couldn't that be a big part of your problem?

What makes you a “Grand Inquisitor,” OP?

It’s not good to get drunk...that I do know.

Unfortunately my family is very closely intertwined with this pop culture due to family friends in the sports/entertainment industry. Does this mean I should cut ties with them and start over somewhere else?

Ok, I dont mean that you consciously set the terms. Sometimes our way of thinking as folk on the autism spectrum can be quite rigid, I mean it is a diagnostic criteria...

Like anyone else though we prefer the familiar, yet more so as it brings predictably and supports our routines... the things that help us to function daily.

I mean that you have likely internalised some unhelpful messages (there are plenty of them) and they are influencing your authentic thoughts. That is where the double bind comes from.

None the less you have it within your power to access your authentic thinking. I'm not saying the core desire for emotional intimacy will change, it likely wont, nor should it, you are a human being! but the path to it and the parameters for success can change and you can change them. This is where a good therapist can help, as they can show you an accurate reflection of the bigger picture, something that our autistic thinking can block our ability to see. (Someone who understands autism or is willing to admit that they dont but are willing to learn are key features in a suitable therapist, from my limited experience)

My apologies for being this direct, honestly, I had a fairly rough time last night and find that I have less emotional capacity after these turbulences.