How do some Aspies have successful social lives

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mebbe the other women are jealous of your looks?

Who hinted that you're not attractive?

I'm hoping that. But I'm not Miss World. Maybe I just think I'm unattractive but other people don't.

It seems that most NT women are very hard to please. Most Aspie guys can't get a date with an NT woman, and I can't get a friendship with an NT woman.

Sometimes having very little number of friends scares me. I feel like I'm severely autistic or something (as in non-verbal, need 24-hour care, 0 social skills, etc). But I'm the total opposite to that. I'm independent, sociable, chatty (if people let me), funny, kind, empathetically skilled, make normal eye contact, don't talk about one subject (I don't even have special interests), don't monologue about intellectual topics (I'm not knowledgeable in that way), have a great sense of humour, the list goes on.

Even on Facebook people start to unfollow me and don't like or comment on my posts any more but still like and comment on other people's posts. But I won't talk about Facebook here because I find myself having to repetitively explain myself here when people say "maybe because you don't like/comment on their posts" - I do actually like and comment on their posts, not enough to annoy them but just if I can relate to their post or offer sympathy, etc. Ah, I'm doing it again! OK, forget Facebook.

And I'm not the same in real life as I am on WP, before anyone says "you are always complaining and panicking and saying angry things here and you don't get our jokes and you only talk about yourself, etc" - I'm actually not like that in real life. I'm more laid-back, and NT humour is easier to understand, and I don't whine on and on about myself, I am friendlier, happier, and interested in other people.
Here I just come to discuss things, rant about things that I can't really rant about too much to people offline, and...ohh, I'm doing it again. Bored of having to keep explaining myself here. Social skills are something you just do, so it's hard to explain in words how we do it.

I understand. You want to be "you" on this Site----without having to bow to social pressures to appear all sunshiney and stuff.

It's like sort of an "outlet" for you.

My social life is "successful" in the sense that I'm married with a kid and have a job, and I'm on (reasonably) good terms with everyone in those circles.

My social life is "unsuccessful" in the sense that I'm not on any form of social media and don't spend any time with friends (if you exclude people my wife brings me into contact with). But I'm in a foreign country so that explains part of it. 99% of the conversations I have with people from non-East Asian cultures are here at WP.

You have to define what kind of success is meaningful and achievable to you and then push yourself hard to attain it.

Last edited by 1986 on 29 Mar 2022, 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don’t feel being prominent on social media counts as “social success” as much as face-to-face contact.

I think they're all just different metrics. Having lots of friends, or a few close friends, or a romantic partner or a lot of online friends all represent a different type of success and fill differing needs.

there are many worse things than not having social intelligence. it's all relative, although if one themselves lacks social intelligence it certainly can feel horrible until one comes to terms with it/finds their perspective. we have to remember that other people are mere mortals, they have feet of clay so we should not put them on pedestals as inevitably they will disappoint us badly, it's just a matter of time. we can't expect unconditional positive regard from mere mortals, only god can provide agape. everybody else is a conditional type of person. one has to ask oneself if one can accept being judged by other people who deem themselves worthy judges of us but not vice-versa.

Hmmm. I would say that people who "want to be saved, and are looking for someone to dump their baggage on" are not necessarily bad friends.

Next time such a person wants to be your friend, I would suggest that you introduce that person to other people you know who have similar personalities and/or similar difficulties. Then, if they still want to be your friend too -- and if they have enough in common with you to justify participating in the same activities -- try asking them for a small favor or two and see what happens.

I'm glad you understand. Because of ADHD my mind is buzzing with thoughts and emotions all the time that I want to express but if I did express everything that was on my mind in real life then I would just be a whiny little b***h, so I filter out what's best not to say and save it for WP. It seems more socially acceptable to do on online forums than it is in real life.

This is what gets you through your day, so "whine" away!  Most of us have probably heard/read worse than anything you have posted so far.  You are an asset to this website.

That's true, but naturally if the only (or vast majority) of things one does on this site is rant/complain then that will scupper the chances of having a successful social life on here, because as we have established on this thread already a fundamental part of a social life is about interaction and mutual interest/appreciation with the interlocutor.

I don't come to WP to make friends as such. If people want to be my friend (and some are) then that's great, but if they don't then I don't mind either way.

This thread is more about friends offline.

LOL

"Attractive" and "unattractive" aren't the only types of people out there; there are also so called "Plain Janes (and Joes)." Those are the ones who don't stand out with their looks in neither positive or negative way... though of course, someone who's normally considered plain could be considered very attractive or very unattractive in the right company.
Also, there's more to attractiveness than looks. I'm not really talking about "inner beauty", but more about charisma. You know, the kind of air that comes of a person due to their body language, what they do, things they say and some little social thing I know are there but can't name. Even if someone looks very plain, they can come across as attractive if they're very charismatic.



Fair.

Honestly though, Joe is different from many here in the sense that the subjects she complains about tend to change. Not that I can speak for everyone, but for me it's easier to listen and try to find solutions to changing problems than tell the same things to the same person over and over again in a differently named thread about the same subject.

You again, Fireblossom, always making me feel better about myself.

(Oh and Kraftiekortie and others but you know what I mean).

I suppose I am in the "in-between" category, as most people are that I know. I get what Fireblossom means.

Lol, yes, except for when I rant about my neighbours.