What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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One of my encompassing subtle fears is the inability to commit due to EF issues that not even my own desires comes true, unknowingly doing something illegal without ever meaning to and ignorance is not an excuse, and overall inability to take responsibility because of all of the above.

I cannot afford to be trapped in any obligation.
Simply because I cannot. Even if I want to, I cannot.

Not even something so simple as a stable sleeping schedule, let alone the certainty of getting a job.

I tried; outgrowing every nonsense shite and all that leaps of faith in gambling myself in amidst of uncertainty.

What I fear the most is getting trapped in responsibilities, as much as I want to fulfill or not abandon, yet unable to and waste anything that supposed to trigger sunk cost fallacy.

I could very much buy some insurance, sign some contact, etc... And will not deliver.

Sure, at the moment, I'd feel like I'm an "adult with a commitment"; emphasis on feel and moment following by dread and regret.


This is why I hate entrepreneurship.
This is why I don't do installments.
This is why I cannot move on. This is why I don't have life plans.


I don't want to be those people who are buried in debt, having to pay for years, even with the certainty that one has a stable job.

I don't want a life more complicated by any contract or financial commitment.

Not when I myself am along with the ability and inability to perform let alone long term basis is the biggest uncertainty element.


This is why I'm chasing a lot of solutions over myself.
This is why I'm trying to fix myself before 'going out there'.

This is why I don't have a fricking direction in this damn life other than fixing myself because I don't live and cope, it's only either survive and cope or living for real.

Because if I 'go out there' while I'm like 'this' would cause more damage than I'm already trying to get rid of.
And it ain't some paranoia in my part; not especially when everything I do seems like a fricking gamble.


For once I wish that there's ever a time in my life that I never had to 'gamble' because of myself.

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I feel less anxious when I’m out and about when I’m using my headphones.

Still limping along, still struggling. I don't know what I'm going to do.

How soon can we expect civil war to break out in the UK because of all the rioting? Not that there's anything civil about it at all. It's because of racism and other stupidity. And how will it affect the rest of the world?

Many opinions about autism or being autistic is mostly about abilities and disabilities, contrasts of traits and how it affects them.

I already outgrew to prioritize such concepts in real life. To me, that's just more to do with how useful a person is, not much about them.


Further and further more I cannot relate to many autistics, let alone humans overall as I age it seems...

Not that I'm ever sad or lonely about that to begin with. It just meant that there are more of others to honor and...

It can be exhausting to just walk this path. Alone.


And I suck at taking care of myself to maintain a consistent pace.

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I wish that social media would die so that the past members can return. I'm sick of feeling all alone when I come on here.

Afraid the colonoscopy driver will flake on me and I have followed the instructions and not eaten high fiber food for three days and then hungry and Kaiser gives me a one hundred buck cancellation fee

Otherwise the colonoscopy driver, mark, might fulfill his promise and then demand that I do his unreasonable personal favors. On the other hand I don't have a car and I am never going to be able to afford one so whatever. Besides I live 15 miles away from work so I think I have a sufficient excuse s**t

I have not taken a shower since February last year but I don't know if the gastroenterologist will refuse to do the colonoscopy because I failed to take a shower. On the other hand, the instructions don't say anything about showering. It might be common sense. I don't know. And the gastroenterologists and everyone working in the building wearing masks. But what if I eat only low fiber food for three days and then they refuse to do the colonoscopy?

Do you ever just look around at people who do the same activity as you but they can just do it without hesitation and you wonder - do they not have the intrusive thoughts that spiral around constantly that come with that activity? Or do they have those same thoughts and manage to get through it anyway?

I was reading about mpox which will be the next pandemic and makes covid look like a sniffle, and I was treated to some lovely graphic photos of the lesions associated with the disease.

So why am I not horribly traumatized and/or full of anxiety? Are my emotions really that dull now? I was full of anxiety about the avian flu and swine flu pandemics, but I was younger back then. Although I have noticed some itchy pimple-like bumps on my legs and wondered if it's mpox, although they're probably just ingrown hairs from shaving or bug bites.

Is it really just a coincidence that mpox is becoming a pandemic during all the insanity of the 2024 US election just like covid did during the last one?

I'm a f**kup.

I always wish to become mature without going through any experiences, which makes me hesitant and appear ridiculous.

My friend is doing a cancer fundraiser.
I don't feel like I want to support it
Because they're posting all over social media about it and it feels more about them and how wonderful they are
And anyone who donates gets their name posted up there for everyone to see and I don't want anything to do with it.
Am I an a-hole?
Considering I've had cancer.