Rants

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No words, just

This won't defeat me. I can do this. I only hate moving more than anything because I've had a relatively easy life. Humans can do this; autistic humans do this every day.

I do have to be nicer to people than I was to the telephone customer service people this morning. I tried to keep a balance between understanding their limited powers and conveying my abject disappointment in the performance of their employer.

I felt like I was about to blow my top when I started typing this post. I do believe I can take a shower, even after the morning I had, and the evening before that, learning we have to redo last year's taxes after all, as I expected. Yet another several things to add to my list, and then I find a bill in the mail while sorting the tax stuff. Evidently, my internet got cut off for some unknown reason a while ago. Yet, here I am. So I called this morning in the middle of tax info gathering to try and fix that, after yet again failing to accomplish anything on their website.

I may sit back and have a nice breakfast beer. By the time I finish my shower, and load up the car, the effects will have worn off. It will hit fast, and pass fast, since I have an empty stomach. Don't try this at home. It may be a sign of alcoholism, so don't make it a habit.

Sometimes, I just wanna.. stop.
but I can't.

I won't allow myself.

I wish you good luck with that.

the slideshow of parents seeking eyecontacting, i dunno, when this became a thing?
only after raising the kids i noticed parents being protective about what the child looks at,
...........was that a new thing? because less kids and more of a project to have?...
or did i look at it differently?
--------------- ofcourse there's real problems existing, i now nothing, probably-
when dd used to crawl backward under the carpet, we didn't see that as problem, just a funny thing to do
-but i suppose i was peculiar before that, banning plastic toys where possible and balancing that with other materials and 'real' toys instead of plastic makebelief and minimalising the amount of toys and stimulations around always

Grrrrrr.

This unwanted but necessary sale of my house in Texas is like the awful gift that keeps on giving. Just today, I learned that I can not get the tax benefit that I thought I could, and in fact, I'll owe some capital gains taxes if I make a lot of money this year. Lovely, just lovely. I guess I will take 0 deductions on my W-2. Just for the record, I actually spent thousands of dollars on improvements which made me no profits because I had to sell years sooner than I'd intended. I hope I forget all about this by 2020, and don't even think about checking the estimated sale price on Zillow. I bought at the bottom of the market, and felt like I could break the family tradition of selling real estate at a loss. In some sense, I did succeed at that on a different front, which does put this a little more into perspective. Quite a bit of the money that went into my house repairs came from that other success, but it didn't feel entirely like my success because I wasn't in charge. Heck with feeling bad about it. I can't really spare the energy, anyway. Difficult come, difficult go. LOL

I am done

Its a bad one

I don't mean to confuse. I have fooled myself again and again. I thought I could just let go, but I haven't succeeded sofar. I CAN do it, but I might have to make a clean cut. Leave and never come back. I to some degree like hurting myself, but I wouldn't want to hurt you. I take full responsability for my own emotions, I don't blame anyone.

I don't know how you feel, it's kind of hard to tell. If you are just playing games, that's ok. I wouldn't think any less of you. If you are serious though, you have to tell me, because then it might be best if I leave.

This is not my universe,

*** Clicks ***
BOOM

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHH.

Rawwrrrrr.

Grr grr grr. Meeeh.

I want to find something I like.

I don't wanna fail, but I won't get anywhere if I don't try.

But I don't wanna try.

I've heard people say that in order to be motivated to do something, you have to really want it.

But... what if I don't want it?

Is there anything I want?

Perhaps you could work towards getting a job or an internship assuming you are in a position to do that sort of thing, in my experience that's a pretty good way of being productive and if you find something that you want to buy then that could make for a good motivation to earn the money to buy it. It might also be good to learn a new skill like programming (it's really not as hard as it looks) or learning to draw faces or something, especially of it produces something that you can be proud of. IDK, I'm just throwing ideas out there. I've been there plenty of times and that is how I usually handle it, and to be honest I kinda' need to start taking my own advice right about now.

I am having extreme fear
Worse then ever before,
I think I am about to reap the harvest of what I have sown
SOS

Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.