Rants

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From my experience of fear of immanent doom, it seems like my best course of action is to remember all the previous times when I felt the same, but nothing materialized.

I'm feeling really crappy today for no apparent reason. Actually, I think I have an idea of why. I have been very isolated lately and I kinda' want to be more social but at the same time that's exhausting and I don't find it all that fun. I have a few friends on the internet who I talk to every day but humans are wired to be social and I guess communicating through text just doesn't fulfill that need as well as actually talking to people in real life.

One thing I really struggle with is coming up with varried responses to show that I care about what someone is saying, if I'm not careful I will just say something like "cool" after every few sentences someone says to me over and over until they feel like they are talking to a robot. This has caused problems with friendships in the past as I have a hard time making it clear that I'm interested in anything, not to mention my tendency to monologue about things.

I will be getting a job soon, that should help with the whole isolation thing. It is on a noisy environment though, so I'm worried that it I will get a sensory overload or something and considering that I have had my fair share of anxiety attacks in school I might have some at work too. Curse you brain...

School is hard. I do not know what to do.

There is a lot of reasons for that.

I have a lot more feelings than that, but can't put them into words because I always forget what I'm saying when I'm writing a rant.

The result is a big thing with a lot of starts, but a lot of blanks in it, which doesn't properly express the idea I want to convey. And then, when I look back on it later, forget the idea that I want to convey. This is frustrating.
^^
That sentence is an understatement. Everything I say is an understatement. This is frustrating.

Frustrating when talking to people, frustrating when trying to explain my feelings, frustrating when I am trying to convey I need something.
^^
This sentence is also an understatement. Everything I say is basically, that sentence ramped up to eleven.

ex. frustrating=totally nerve-wracking
^
If one re-read the aforementioned passage with that in mind, that would be what I feel.

...I forgot what I was saying.

This is why I cannot convey my feelings/ write.

I am wasting my own time. Days feel empty.

I feel like my life is a waste. I struggle in school, but it's almost exclusively in the maths. I have a hard time visualising word problems. My mother said she'd fix it. But now I'm getting moved to an even harder class, because "it's not challenging" enough. I call rubbish on that.

Anxiety is attacking full blast and I just got cursed out

I think I am just gonna sleep

not a bad plan.

how do you get this emoji?

I'm done for, done for, done for. It's also possible I'm nuts, so I guess I'll press on through... with zero confidence of anything working out. I may feel even lonelier with other people than I do by myself.

Hell, I can't even rant properly.

How can I swear off a mistake I've already made repeatedly, without conscious awareness or intention? I can reorganize my personality from the ground up, I guess. If I can locate that voice in my head, I might manage something. I just want to shut up, and shut up good, but evidently I can't even be silent when I don't speak.

I guess it comes down to the necessity of pain when dealing with other people. I feel pain when I'm on my own; with people I have more belly laughs.

Human experimentation is okay if you are your own only subject, right?

I recall everything I was told
Boy you'll never live to be 18 years old
Dead or incarcerated just like those
People who wonder down similar roads
Leavin out the house
She said please don't go
Granny why you steady tryin ta save my soul
If death is my destiny like you had said to me
Let me get busy before he gets the best of me
Don't you know bullets don't have no brain
And alot of youngings don't have no aim
Am I living or dying somebody please explain
Goin or staying because I'm going insane
I'm strapped up cause he is
Shishty cause she is
Meanwhile dude who teach chemistry is
In his office with a kid doing s**t I get expelled for
Which makes me wonder why people go to jail for it

Even if I did die young so what
Nobody expected me to ever grow up
Grandmama lectured me you better grow up
But there wasn't no telling me I was a grown up

I'm a kid peeping in justice yall let slide
But your so quick to point out mine
That's what made me draw that line
Blinded by my own design
I'm doing fine, no I'm not I'm doing bad
But I'm so afraid to talk
Yall got s**t going on
I don't wanna bother yall
Pops cut from a different cloth
Never be the man that he was
Thought I was slow, I turned out to be a genius
And I ain't returned like eat my peanuts
Let my our bank statements be the difference between us
If I seem distant, b***h I'm 30 something
I was suppose to been done been a murder victim
My grandpa prayed until his knees gave way
If you can`t save me, God please save Jason
The way I went in that's the only explanation
I know some bad dudes enough to know I ain't one

Even if I did die young so what
Nobody expected me to ever grow up
Grandmama lectured me you better grow up
But there wasn't no telling me I was a grown up

I was confused and you can hear it in my rhetoric
In retrospect I never should have made it back
I wrote my Senator and never got a letter back
My friend Chris got killed for a Cadillac
My man Mike died for a powder pack
So understand why I could think I was next
Under attack guns and crack
Or the mother f****n police shoot us in the back
And ah, they think it only happens to blacks
And refuse to believe it almost happened to Stak
Stabbed in the back
Blood beating threw a heart filled with crack
Soldier up fought through that
Injuries alot of players don't walk off
I walked off cause I ain't the type to walk off
If you family your suppose to love me when I'm wrong
Be a man and represent me when I'm gone
Stones in a foundation get looked over
But without them the whole damn house falls over
This is for the rocks that exist beneath me
The block which gave me a past to be me
BB's are baby bullets, baby's are in training
My people were bangin before they called it bangin
Just chillin, hangin, words exchange
One thing lead to another, all I heard was [gun shot]

Even if I did die young so what
Nobody expected me to ever grow up
Grandmama lectured me you better grow up
But there wasn't no telling me I was a grown up

<--Life-->

I feel kinda empty. I'm not really sure what I'm doing.

I feel a lot like the kitten in the old motivational poster. Let me see if I can find it.



I keep getting too close to the edge for comfort, even though I expect things to get better soon.

However, I have to move. I still haven't unpacked half of my stuff from the move two years ago, which will help. I kind of bought a pig in a poke with my new housing. I know farther in advance where I will live than last time, but I've had to give up a lot more space than I expected in order to accrue other benefits.

I hope I will be able to move my musical equipment into a rehearsal space soon. In the best case scenario, I become part of a percussion quartet, but that's a long term project. I have to start with finding people with whom I can share musical space. There just won't be room at the house

Still, considering what I remember about living with other people, it may be good to have a separate space as an escape valve.

I talk about abuse
I am accused of wanting money

I get drugged and raped
and I am accused of being a prostitute for drugs

I say I want to better myself
and I am accused of being insane

I am actually considering leaving the country

I don't need to label me, I just need to come up with ways to address my "problems."

I can compensate for them, but they'll never go away.

If I could get rid of it, that would make functioning, and doing anything, a whole lot easier.

And faster.



Mrrr, it's a pile of s**t.
Being me's a pile of s**t, and it's hard to deal with.