Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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I am sorry that you are once again feeling suicidal. Did something really bad happen which really made you feel down? I am not an expert on this subject, but I think it may be normal to have negative thoughts again after going to the hospital & returning home before you were ready to leave. I just think so because every one has negative thoughts at some point in their life; they are just unexpected & unpredictable.



I would also recommend the suggestion that you temporarily sleep in your guest room instead of your bedroom. I did the same thing & it was helpful for my depression. I have been sleeping in my regular bed again only for the last few months; the same thing my be helpful for you.



By the way, have your self-harm urged declined? Do you still feel like you need to hurt yourself?



I am still thinking about you & hoping things will get better for you. Big hugs.

Nothing bad happened except remembering the awful images I was having - I had a few idle thoughts of suicide along with the nemories, but nothing I really felt like acting on. I'll try the guest room tonight and see if I do better - you're right, the change of scenery might help me. A large part of the problem may be being in the same place where I had the images, so sleeping in a different room may be very beneficial. I am still having some urges to self-harm, but not as much as I was before. Having a break from being able to do it while I was at the hospital probably helped.

When you get in the sort of "states" you've described, would watching "Dr Who" help?

I think you can do it, Ms Dragon. You have good brains, and good logic, too.

Watching something like Doctor Who to distract me might help, yes. It didn't work before, when the images were really bad (it'll probably be a while before I can watch Rudolph again, because that's what I was watching when I decided I needed to go to the hospital), but now that I don't have them creeping into everything, distraction is definitely worth another try. Thank you for the suggestion.

Are you still having trouble sleeping? Perhaps sleeping in your guest room instead of your bedroom could be beneficial, and I also had another suggestion:



I have heard that reading in your bed, before you go to sleep, can sometimes help people fall asleep faster. I have tried it, and it sometimes helps me. It is just a thought I had.



I still hope that your self-harm urges will decline, and that seeing your own blood will not be the only thing which gives you pleasure.



Good luck in your guest room, and I hope you have a better night. Big hugs.

Did you ever see Rowan Atkinson play Dr. Who? You can pull it up on Youtube. It's pretty freakin funny.

Thank you, I'll try that tonight. It's been a while since I've read right before going to sleep. I'll have to be careful about what book I choose, though, so I don't just stay up all night reading

Yes, I've seen "Curse of Fatal Death," and it is indeed pretty funny. In fact, now that you mention it, I think I'll look it up and watch it again tonight.

I really hate how everyone's treating me differently now, like I'm super fragile, like I might randomly stab myself at any time with anything even remotely resembling sharp, or both. I got enough of that treatment in the hospital (I think my least favorite word right now is "cutter," after being called that there) - I don't want more of it now And they wouldn't treat me like I was anywhere near as fragile if I'd had a clearly physical reaction to the Abilify instead of the reaction I did have, would they?

If you had a physical reaction that was to the point where you thought about killing yourself I am pretty sure you would be treated the same. The only difference is that physical treatment is easier to cure than mental treatment so it probably wouldn't last as long.

And since stabbing yourself makes no noise(besides you screaming or grunting or whatever, which by then would be too late.) everyone has to stay on high-alert!

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, the images I was getting were caused by the Abilify, and now that I'm off that, they're completely gone. It seems kind of like if, for example, I had had a reaction inviolving horrible, incessant itching that was so bad that after a few days, I considered killing myself to make it stop, but once I was off the medication, the itching completely went away. Would people then start freaking out every time I so much as touched myself, or disallow anything they thought might be even remotely irritating to the skin for fear of bringing the itching back? I get that they're just worried about me, but I want to get back to normal life, which doesn't involve an amount of supervision and safety precautions as if I were five again.

Good luck with reading something before you go to sleep tonight. You should read something that you really like instead of something depressing.



You said that you do not have the negative thoughts that you had while you were taking Abilify. That is good news. Since you discontinued the Abilify, have you been feeling any better in your emotional life? Do you feel any happier at all? Have you also discontinued the sertraline or the trazodone? Do you know if those medications had any affect on your thoughts?



I hope your parents are being more supportive of you & trying to do a better job of helping you. More big hugs.

I think simply being free of those horrible images boosted my mood for a few days, but yesterday and today I've been feeling the depression creeping back in. But on the good side, I haven't hurt myself since I got back from the hospital. I'm still taking everything except the Abilify. I think the sertraline is beneficial for my mind, and the trazodone is really just to help me sleep - I didn't even know it could help with depression or anything until you said something about it earlier. I saw my therapist today, and he suggested a different psychiatrist to me, so I'm probably going to switch after my next appointment, which was already set for the 21st. He said the new psychiatrist is less aggressive with medication than mine has been, and pointed out that we shouldn't really be making more than one medication adjustment at a time like my current psychiatrist did, so we can tell what med change had what effect.

Also, my insurance company called me yesterday to check up on me and suggested I do an intensive outpatient program at a hospital - I think that would be something that meets a few days a week for 2-3 weeks, and is kind of like having the groups they had at the hospital without being admitted. I think that sounds like it would be good for me.

Hi Dragons,

Group work sounds like it could be useful.
I think just getting out and about regularly will be good for your soul.
I have been pushing myself to do things and it is working a little bit each time.
I am off to post some cards and then finish putting my washing out.
These are all things which feel like seriously difficult task but I am getting there slowly.
One foot in front of the other, steady and precariously.
Depression is a nasty business and needs weapons against it.

Yep. The group would be an excellent diversion. Who knows? You might make a friend.

When I was 19, I was working--yet I was in a group, too. I met some good and funny people. It taught me lots about variations in people and how, in reality, we (people in general) have many similarities, even though we're, at times, quite different.

I wish you could also study neuroscience as well.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 16 Dec 2017, 9:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hi Temeraire. Sounds so quaint---"putting out the wash"

We don't do that in NYC from about December to March. It's below freezing too often.

I bet your snow is all melted now. We had 2 events of 5 cm of snow this past week.