Rants

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And on top of that, I'm scared in a lot of different ways, and I was scared of people for the longest time, and I didn't think that anybody could be trusted,
or that anyone was good.

And I saw the people that were good as exceptions, and everyone else is selfish monsters,
and I have to be afraid everyday.

I literally behaved like I was in a life or death situation 24/7.
heart pounding all the time, so hard I can feel it beating in my head,
like if a bear is chasing you around in every part of your life,
except like, everyone in the world is a bear.
Other people don't care about you deep down and won't go out of their way to do nice things for other people. (Why'd I think that? )

being silent whenever somebody talks to you,
run away when people talk to you
can't go up and approach anybody,
any person that approaches it was an automatic threat,
can't trust anybody, they will betray you.

afraid of guys especially,
refuse to talk when they talk to me,
because everything I'll say they'll just use against me,
or will harass me in hallway.
Any compliments are not meant sincerely, they are either being sarcastic or making fun of you.
when people whisper about you, they're talking about you.

Can't make eye contact, always look down.

paranoid, so paranoid,
got so paranoid that I would only hide out in a corner of the house away from windows and wouldn't move from there.

and you don't accept help when it comes to you because you're afraid that those people will let you down,
or you've been let down by people so many times who say they'll help
but don't manage to do anything.

^ wow, this is so much my relationship with my own mother.
Verbal and psychological abuse all the way.
I also thought it was normal and the problem was me instead of her.
My advice is get out of there as soon as you can.

afraid of making friends because I don't want them to go away,
don't want them to turn against you, don't want them to hate you.
Afraid of talking to anybody because I don't want to make anything bad happen and I don't want them to hate me. Scared of starting arguments.

Can't talk at all.

^?

stuck in this sh***y hole of negativity with no escape, and there is literally no love in your life and nothing to make it good,
and it's just a shit-hole of HATE and PAIN,
(in almost the purest sense, nothing but physical pain and hate from all directions, all the time, NO LOVE )
and I thought you're supposed to be NORMAL and smile through that and you can't get help.

No one will help you, no one will help each other. (??)

What the fuckkkkkkkk.
Why did I think that?
And I partially forced myself into my own hell, but maybe now that I realize I don't have to be trapped there, maybe some of that stuff can begin to change.
But still, why did I believe that, why did I let someone get me to believe that,
that you can't get help.

This weirdo stranger on the internet sends you love and hugs.

I can't feel anything, don't know when was the last time I felt, but I don't know what to do now.

Oh yeah, and there's tons of other s**t I could list, but I can't even remember it all because I'm too overwhelmed by you and I can't remember anything.

Grrr, will end here, can't remember what I was saying.


AND THERE'S MORE.

I still remember the time when you screamed at me, humiliated me and debased me for what seemed like several lifetimes because I lost your umbrella.

These shouldn't be the stand out memories a child has of their parent.

That umbrella must have been very important to you.

As many times as I warn younger aspies not to be that person who starts every reply with Actually, in some cases it works. Actually, it does get better. The crap I rant about today is way cooler than the stuff I ranted about 30 years ago.

It seems that we have better odds of beating the house than we do of growing up unscarred by our families.

That, Lillikoi, was an excellent rant.

I can empathise with you so much on not being able to feel, on not knowing who you are. They push you so hard to be what they want you to be, and forget that you're a real person - you're alive, you have feelings, you need the room and the freedom to be yourself (and work out who that is). I don't know if you're able to access any counselling/therapy (maybe at school?), but if you can then I'd highly recommend it. It doesn't help exactly, in that the problems are still there, but sometimes having the time and the environment to speak and be heard (and get really emotional ) can give you some release. That's my experience, anyway.

My first 2 years at uni, I desperately wanted to drop out. Depression and isolation were destroying me, and I needed to leave, but I was trapped there for fear of my parents' reactions. I believed - I truly believed - that if I dropped out, they would disown me, and I would have nowhere to go. I thought I wouldn't have anywhere to live, I thought nobody in the world would love me or care about me anymore (because they were the only ones who did ). I really thought I had to die; it was the only option I could see, and those thoughts didn't spring into my head for no reason. My upbringing put them there. My parents, particularly my father, put them there. I thought if I wasn't perfect, I'd be dead.

You need to get out of there.
You're already thinking independently, you can see what she's doing is wrong.

How long until your Birthday, will you be able to live where/with whom you like?

Hugs for the (((((Dolphin))))))

I don't understand anything that's going on.
Some attempt at explanation would be nice.