scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I'm trashed after three shots of vodka.
I only drink alone.

I tend to drink alone. Did tonight. Not always because I'm in a less than positive mood, just usually preferable to drinking with others. Few that I enjoy being around while sober. Drinking makes that list shorter.

5. In an indifferent state right now.

I remember one time last year that my brother, Jon, who was 17 at the time, went to a birthday party and someone brought a keg to the party. Now I'll tell you right now, the medication for ADHD, Aterol, and alcohol don't mix at all. Jon got REALLY drunk that night. It was a good thing that his twin brother, Jason, was there to get him away from the party when the police showed up. Anyway, Jon was REALLY sick. He was throwing up like crazy and his stomach was burning. Like I said, Aterol and alcohol don't mix. My mom had to strip him naked and splash him with cold water. This was the night before I went to the State Solo and Ensemble Contest. The day after the party, Jon had a huge hangover, but was forced to work for my grandmother because of his stupid mistakes. Anyway, that's one good reason why I don't drink, even though I don't take medication.

I'm going to have to go now. This website is going to shut down on me soon. It does so every night at 10:00 PM Pacific Time. But, this will be a good opportunity to finish my homework. Be back soon!

Medication and alcohol do not mix. Period.

Around a -4. Alcohol-induced paranoia and anxiety. Talked to her a bit. Still am. She's taking a smoke break. Just...I don't know. Scared? Trying to stay neutral. Trying to not give a s**t. With anyone else, it wouldn't be so f*****g hard. I don't know why I care about her so much. She's put me through hell. Others I've cared about, nothing near this, but I didn't care about them nearly as much. Her? I don't know. Probably simply unrequitted love. It'll kill me most likely. Rather the bullet than the person. I'd really rather a gun to my head or a knife to my throat than what I anticipate.

Nice adrenaline rush. Too bad it is one induced by severe, acute paranoia. I know I'm setting myself up for a huge fall. I hate that premonition s**t, only because with this level of them, I'm usually right. No self-fulfilling hypothesis BS. I just know. With her, I know. I fear it, but I have to go through it. This is, I'm telling myself, the last time. Then again, I've told myself that I was on my last pack plenty of times.

f**k... right now I just want to put a bullet in my head. Sure, this could go really well. I just don't see it going that way. I guess you could say I know better, but I'm too stupid to do otherwise. I don't konw.

I know I'm drunk, but still, I hate this level of giving a s**t. Normally I care, but it doesn't take me over. I think this is borderline obsession, possibly even obsession. It was an obsession in the past, due to her I think it is flaring up again. I don't f*****g get this s**t. I'd rather an obsession with an object. I can be comfortably miserable with just things to occupy my mind. Her, that's another story entirely.

iv been getting drunk since 13
im at +10 i might have a hangover but im still manic

what did i have yesterday?
i can actually remember despite being drunk.
can of cider mixed with vodka, then 2 pints of vodka mixed with juice.
then a few shots of whiskey
despite all that i havnt thrown up, it only lasted 5hours and i feel great-my hangover only lasted a few mins when i got up.
the person i was with drank 1/2 as much and has been puking all night.

Last edited by SuPaStAr on 25 May 2007, 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

-7.

How can what you want be exactly what you don't want at all? This doesn't make any sense. f**k it, I'm 3/4 of the way through a 375 of everclear, not far to go. I just need to sleep...for a few days...or weeks. Can't manage a bullet to the head or a kinfe to the wrist or throat, so passing out will just have to do.

edit: jesus f**k I sing better when I'm drunk and depressed. Hmmm....this sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme. I think it was called.... "Emo." I will have to consider this in the morning. Until then, drinking and singing along to more depressing music.

And no, it isn't simply because I'm drunk that I sound better to myself. It is since I'm drunk I'm not as shy about actually singing. Don't sing for others, but I don't like others listening, isn't abnout them. Thankfully it is 3:00 AM in a college town over the summer, so I should be OK.

Last edited by shadexiii on 25 May 2007, 1:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

3. Listening to some calming music. I feel a bit sad, but the music goes well with it so I can't complain.

9. First time I've posted a scalar of how I feel. I got the entire box-set of Monty Python's Flying Circus!

I don't have a number. I caught myself getting excited at people getting in a fight...because it benefited me. Realizing that made me feel bad. But it is almost a balance. I feel bad, but I feel happy. Id on't know. I mean, I hated the guy she was fighting with already, for more reasons than I'll admit to her, maybe because he's a dead-end loser, maybe more than that, but I'd rather not elaborate. I don't know. I shouldn't be happy they fought, but I am. I shouldn't be happy because I shouldn't take it as meaning a damn thing, but I'm hoping it will. Maybe that's why I'm upset, I know it iw BS. I don't know.

Yeah, I'm rambling while drunk. Don't worry, I'lkl try to pass out soon. I think she's going back to sleep soon. Maybe, maybe not. not that I should care...and yet...

Fixations... I f*****g hate fixations. They suck the life out of me... I can't even say why I care so much. I just... do. What the hell is that about? It is like it isn't even a choice...

3.127
hangover

7
Just got up. It's 10am.
I have to go and see counsellor later.
But I'm going to try and take pictures of Flo before I go. Woo!

2.128
i drink too much, i am an autistic spaz, i should not even bother talking

Somewhere between a 2 and 3.

-3 i feel embarassed

1

Writing the letter
it’s easier than I thought
supposedly I'm the "better"
f**k that, all I've wrought is the coke that I brought