Rants

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I feel I've had enough. Left and right there are people who's ultimate goal is to see me die. Either that or chuck me in some god forsaken place - get rid of me.

I have to wonder sometimes. I wish I didn't spend so much time wondering and just slept through day and night. I like the night. It's lonely. Day is so full of people nagging and harassing- especially creeps harassing- people laughing at what isn't funny, people wishing I was dead, one person worried that I will take my own life, siblings calling me crazy, me feeling so damn numb 90 percent of the time, not being able to think and focus clearly, not seeing any good in anything at all and especially not having any plans whatsoever for my life.

People nagging because I have no plans in life. I don't even know what I want to do. Things don't last.

I hate not knowing what to do in life. I'm getting old, time's running out and I'm still where I am when I left High School. It sucks. I have no job...I don't think I can work a job, a family who just nags, a mom who worries excessively (makes me feel guilty)...nothing else. I have nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

Damn ghosts lurking in my mind. Why do I live in my mind?

I feel sleepy.

Yesterday, as my family and I were going to Mannum for easter, we stopped at the McDonald's at Mt. Barker for breakfast (I was kinda dreading going there, as a lot of people who hate me live there). When we got there I noticed a group of w*kers in the car, a few of them whom I recognised. As one of them got his order and went back to the car, he put on a "mongoloid" act, and I know it was to mock me.
I know this has already been said a billion times before, but I hate it how NTs can't put up with a little diversity in this world!

If it helps, I don't feel like that any more.

Damn mummy harassing me.

Depressive episodes are scary and suck ass.

Another go at blah blah blah. This, like the other, is not for freak mummies. Get a life that doesn't involve creepy voyeurism.

My patience has been tried, it's limits have been expanded (or am I confusing it with indifference?). Just the other day I didn't care if my computer was taken from me, which I think it will in the very near future and I didn't care if I died. I don't care if I never get a job, if I never go to school, if I get chucked out, if I get turned against (no confusion there), if the whole world exploded. I keep playing explosions in my mind.

The other day I was thinking about the freaks that lurk. It's just so...sad. People are so ignorant, but so sure. It would be amusing in other circumstances but lately I've been indifferent to being amused by people and their stupidity and especially paranoid misdirection.

All hell's going to break loose and I know it. Let it come. Won't make a difference anyway.

Should I go or shouldn't I? Why should I bother explaining yet again? Won't work anyways.

I don't know what to do.

Whatever. Doesn't matter much.

What's the big deal with death? Why are people so afraid?

We all die. We're all insignificant - few great ones arise from billions - who actually think they'll make a difference in this life?

Make a difference to who?

What?

Most just shrivel away when they die. Few live on.

I know I won't live on. I don't know anyone who will.

I am a loser, because I watch cartoons.

I am a bad father, because I let my son tag along with me on everything.

I am a pain in the ass, because I wanted to print my tax forms double-sided in order to save paper.

I am an a**hole, because I won't let a drunk bastard drive my kids around.

No father-in-law. You are the dickhead. Everything I said, you deserved. You are a racist, intolerant, alcoholic, piece of s**t and I despise you with all of my being. I held back for 13 years in hopes your daughter would someday say something to you to get you to stop calling me names and harassing me. She failed, so now you got the real deal straight from my mouth. I feel so relieved I finally told you off. When I pointed out your racist ways, what was your response? Oh yeah, "There are worse things I could be!" You suck! I don't want my kids around you and this will likely lead to the end of things with your daughter, since she will, as always, side with you...even though she admits you do these things to me. Good riddance!

Trigger11, those people deserve behavioral treatment of their own! Don't let them push you around making you feel like s**t, because they;re the sh***y ones.


I wish my parents' voices in my head calling me a spoiled brat would LEAVE ME THE f**k ALONE!11 I just want to live my life. But they won't let me.

And now yet another rambling:

Not for voyeuristic mummies.

I feel confused again. I was so sure of everything, so sure...and now I feel more or less like I've hit zero.

Where are the answers?

What's wrong with me?

I'm not even talking about the social aspect of things, I care little for them now, little for school and for life. It's just not in my priorities. I don't even know what my priorities are.

So I've gotten yet another misdiagnosis to add to my collection. Yay. What if all of them were? What if, till now, I haven't gotten anything right?

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing what's left of my mind thinking about these things. I know the chances of me having OCD are high, given my thought patterns, but that doesn't matter much.

Argh, what matters.

I don't know if I'm finding things that are symptoms or symptoms that are things.

I hate explaining myself. Sometimes I don't know how. I hate explaining things. I want to live my life in peace where I don't have to explain things anymore.

Byut not where I'm just silenced. Where they just understand, and don't need it explained to them.

Sometimes I really want to cry, really badly, but can't.

All creativity has been lost lately, I can't write any new lyrics.