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The emotional pain has been quite strong this evening. I felt butterflyes in my stomach when it came closer to Anne leaving and I would be all alone. I was also sort of looking forward to it, so I finally could drink some alcohol.

I can get 90% of a day going the way I want, but the other 10% seems to set the emotional tone. Really, less than 10%. Perfectionism kills.

Hopeless, wrong, doomed.

I'm probably just killing time from one hopeless fantasy to the next. In that case, I can at least let them go more easily once the impossibility of success reveals itself. There's always a new way to fail.

Keeps things interesting.

Last edited by jrjones9933 on 31 Mar 2017, 11:40 am, edited 2 times in total.

Some person is comming tomorrow to pick up something I'm giving away. The rude mother f****r who was supposed to come today, will not get it anyway!

what's with this "self driving", "auto braking" BS???

if you can't be arsed to turn a wheel or stomp a pedal every so often, take a damn bus. one less cúnt to clog traffic.

I feel like I'm falling again. I have been slowly falling for many years, but sometimes I land on a shelf and stay there for a while.

I don't like it either (zealot manual driver) but this is my next gig. I don't have to live anywhere in particular to write & augment code for new cars & I really must say I might get used to the cruise control watching all the police/speed limits/lanes when I just want to escape downtown somewhere after a concert without telling a state trooper my boy scout troop #

So am I buying into this bourgeois nonsense? Inevitably, but the robot will be my new rolling office & my analog wagon will get a lot faster in due time. I'd rather invest in making all these robotics & sensor types transparent enough to be used like conventional options you might squeeze into a Toyota.

My aunt tried to persuade me to come and visit me AND bring my mother along
Apparently my mother isn't doing very well with this not knowing how I'm doing situation, and neither does my aunt. Making me feel guilty.
One thing is for sure, who ever is comming to visit me will never know how I'm really doing. I can pretend and hide for an hour or two. I have too much pride. I'm going down with this ship.
I don't owe anyone anything!

I landed on a definite no. I took photos of the apartment and sent my aunt, she will show them to my mother. I'm somehow capable of just suppressing the hurt I'm doing to them. I just don't think about it. I'm a grown person, I can choose if I want to have contact with my parents or not. I might not make it on my own, but I'm sure as hell going down trying

Seems like I'm going down with this ship too (wp).

It's the strangest thing with my mother. She has literally nothing to give. She seems to be dependent on me to survive. Me giving to her, or at least knowing that I'm fine. I have always felt she needs to know I'm fine, that's all. Apart from that I have no value as my own person. I have never felt she loves me, although she says so. I can feel more love from people I barely know.

She has a lot of friends though, and she has a partner. How can she be doing that bad really. Still I think she is an alcoholic.

We might slowly go under apart from each other, but I would certainly go under if I had contact with her.

Maybe I'll join up with her later in life, and we can be drinking buddies Oh, and my brother can join too. I think he drinks a lot these days (My father is an alcoholic too, but he lives 8 hours by car away, so I don't think he can join)

Someone I thought was a good friend upset me quite a bit over the past two days.

We started talking on a vaping forum, and got on quite well. I met him and his wife with my ex partner in London in the winter, as they was going to a concert. I usually find it hard to speak to new people, but found we got on well, probably where we had spoken for a long time on the forums.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I live in Essex in the UK, he lives in Birmingham. It is about a 4 hour train journey from my house to his, plus buses, so around 5 hours in total.

I was going to go up there for a while, but it is very far and my Mum was worried, and also due to my medication and things it was best I didn't go.

At first, he seemed fine with it, but then his wife started messaging me on facebook getting nasty, and he got funny as well.

They went as far to say my fiancee of 6 years was no longer with me due to me and my Mum not letting me do things. We actually split up because she was on drugs and I tried to help her for a long time but she got deeper into addiction.

I had known them for quite a while, but that actually hurt me quite a lot.

I agree about the "auto driving" concept. It's lazy and even creepy.

How about something to make slower traffic keep right?

It's sobering to realise how very, very f****d up I am.

Yay me!

Let's face it, there's no other way for me to be sober.

New is scary.

And I'm hopeless.
And stupid.
And you won't talk to me.

Nope.
Switching off now.
Not listening to you.

Maybe I could put a hole in my head.
To make your words fall out.