Rants

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When something goes wrong you get a late fee or a fine. If you're late in your payment because their computer system fracked up they will blame it on you.

Then you spend an hour trying to make the fracking think work. How much do you get paid per hour? That's how much they should compensate you for your hour of lost time.

No.

^ says you.

Because that is the story of Raleigh.
That is the story that you wrote in your mind, that you now believe is true.

Not at all.

The paint I used yesterday has given me a skin reaction, even though I bought the low VOC kind and covered up exposed skin as much as I could.
I've scratched areas of my face raw.

People need to stop trying to stir up controversy just to get attention. All I'm doing is trying to show that that's EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

I feel good, actually. Really good.

Not sure when was the last time that happened.

Not sure what... 'normal' is like.
But is this 'normal?'

...I think it is.

It's probably me.

I don't know what's going on. I assume the worst. That's idiotic and rather ungenerous.

I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
Don't give a s**t.

Nothing has been easy today.

I'm really stupid.
stayed up late for a long time,

falling asleep during class,
meltdown,
embarassed myself in front of students and math teacher.

Can't learn in class because meltdown,
I don't know what to do to get caught up,
I literally don't have enough time in the day to study to get caught up,
Teachers so unhelpful, not telling me HOW I can get caught up.

I don't know what it is I need to know! How am I supposed to be able to get caught up if I don't know what it is I need to learn??

Don't like the feeling when all of the things that have been hovering over you are just collapse on top of each other, and then it's like a big deluge of problems at once.

I'm not an efficient machine; it sucks.

I'm not good at planning, and I'm slow at learning;
and I make stupid decisions,
and I have really bad meltdowns,
and it sucks.

(can see how those things would be bad when mixed together, right?
)

life used to be nothing but a series of collapses,
cruising period followed by a big collapse.
and then collapses started happening every day.

And then, I didn't know how to get out of the rubble.

(Nyah, I'm talking about schoolwork, like the above example. )

Course "yeah, just schoolwork, not a big deal,"

but THAT WAS MY LIFE. It was a really big deal.

And of course SOMEONE would get all yelly and violent if I didn't get it done,
and then they would be even worse than usual,
so of course I had to do it.

And that moment when lying gets you into a hole,
and you've been lying for a long time and then everyone finds out,
And then everyone's like, "where's all your work?" and I'm like,
"I don't know! "