Rants

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Course "yeah, just schoolwork, not a big deal,"

but THAT WAS MY LIFE. It was a really big deal.

And of course SOMEONE would get all yelly and violent if I didn't get it done,
and then they would be even worse than usual,
so of course I had to do it.

And that moment when lying gets you into a hole,
and you've been lying for a long time and then everyone finds out,
And then everyone's like, "where's all your work?" and I'm like,
"I don't know! "

Except the shittiest thing is when a collapse happens and you can't do anything to solve the problem, all you can do is just stand there and shrug and say,
"I don't know what to do. "

That feels like s**t because you feel powerless and like a bad person, and I felt guilty because I didn't wanna admit that I wasn't doing anything.

That's what I did for years and years and years, just... shrug
and I don't know what I expected my teachers thought was going on, but...

I think I just got by on sympathy, 'cause my teachers felt sorry for me.

But... the lie worked, and it apparently worked really, really, really well, 'cause no one ever suspected anything, and no one ever questioned her.

Was I trying to defend her, because I didn't want her to get in trouble?
I was really, really stupid.

Just... crying and begging and "take this s**t that I worked on even though I didn't really work on it,"

and at one point I just... stopped caring at all, and I even zoned out my MOM (8O ?!), and I... didn't even try, and I felt really bad about it.

I just spent my time playing stupid video games and... staring at the ceiling and... doing nothing, and I felt like a pathetic beggar who couldn't do anything.

Just like, "other people don't matter, they're just kinda there, do whatever you want. Who cares what happens to you, so long as I get to do what I wanna do." I was really selfish.

I have no respect whatsoever for the opinions of sheep or their owners.
RATHER WOLVES THAN PEASANTS!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!
THE WOLF IS CRITICALLY ENDANGERED HERE, STOP DEMANDING TO KILL MORE; LOWLIFE!! !! !! !! !! !

But... hey, at least it's fun?

And then... people try to make you feel bad about living like that,
but.... that's the only thing that's fun. .____.

And if I stopped doing it, then.. I wouldn't've had anything. And that would suck even more.

And then you don't know how to change your habits, 'cause that's the only thing that's fun for you,

or that's the only way you've ever done stuff,

and you wanna change your habits but you don't know how. .___.

Lillikoi: Isn't there someone at your school you can talk to. Like a guidance counselor? Then you two can take a look at the whole situation. How you are doing in the different subjects. What you need to do to catch up. Maybe get some advice on what to do when you quit school. What options there are, what kind of job you might want. Maybe it turns out you don't need all the subjects you are taking for certain jobs etc.

Anyway if you are falling behind it's best to try and do something about it as soon as possible

If the stressful situation with your mother is preventing you from getting good results in school it doesn't help much that she is paying for it does it..

Since a picture is worth a thousand words ...

I just feel like ranting a little bit...
Things feel like chaos at the moment, or I don't feel like I'm in control. The light from the lamp I got installed yesterday isn't strong enough. Not much f*****g point in having a dimmer, if the light isn't strong enough on it's strongest I'm having trouble seeing. Why did I just wash a pillow case by hand in the sink? Why didn't I just put it in the washer with the other clothes
The gas indicator on my scooter isn't functioning right, hopefully the light indicator is functioning. I shouldn't be drinking alcohol now, I drank yesterday. I used it as a motivator to get out of the house. " If I go do the thing I need to do, I can also skip by the store and buy some cider "
I think I must try to remember to take the scooter for a drive at least once a week, it didn't start right away. The battery needs to be used. Also why am I eating this crap now, I was supposed to wait until 22.30 pm.

Also I need to stop this throwing of all my stuff. I have to at some point say "That's it, I'm keeping the rest!" It's chaos everything is stuffed into drawers and cabinets, things that don't go together at all. I have to get used to it, it's the best solution.

I just remembered a couple of other things too, but I don't care trying to explain it. Things isn't functioning!! !

I want a simpler life.

I'm no use to anyone.
Just die already.

There is something wrong with this f*****g computer!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! ! I don't think it's just youtube, it's not streaming smoothly. The thick socks I bough who has some syntetic fabric is slippery has hell on this floor. My normal thin socks are getting holes very quickly. They are wearing down on the surface on the floor, also I think I'm gliding more then usual over the floors, because I f*****g sound like a rhino if I use my normal gate.

I have so f*****g had it!! ! I can't take any more. I have been thinking about selling this HELL HOLE and rent again, but then I remember that I don't want to have to deal with a landlord, taking all my money!! !!

I'm an idiot.

yes, that down and terrible feeling when I realize the reality that I am definitely on the wrong planet for all the wrong reasons
getting older and nowhere fast