Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)
18 Dec 2017, 4:24 pm
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Ah man, Ms. Dragon!
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
Aww, thank you. I'm trying to stop, but it's really hard to resist the urge. Like I've said, I think it's an actual addiction for me - it's probably as hard for me to stop hurting myself as it is for someone to stop smoking or drinking alcohol. But on the plus side, that means there's hope - plenty of people have successfully quit smoking, drinking, etc., so I can probably quit hurting myself.
Kraftie is a good judge of character and you have a lovely personality.
You are very brave to put yourself out there too which helps others.
People do quit their habits and addictions all the time.
I have been wondering about some psychology called REBT and how you use needles when frustrated after an event like when you phone didn't charge properly.
There is 3 core beliefs which cause distress and if tackled can be a good way of helping to relieve unpleasant feelings which cause undesired behaviour.
I would say that you are being held in some kind of loop which needs breaking - like a perpetual cycle.
Does your therapist ever get you working with irrational thoughts, ideas, images?
Thank you. It helps me, too, to be able to talk about this stuff here. I don't think I've heard of REBT, I'll look into it. I have not been working with irrational thoughts, images, etc. with my therapist. The images were only caused by the Abilify, but I think I do have some irrational thoughts because of the depression.
REBT may help you to understand what irrational thoughts you are having and how they leave you feeling depressed.
The 3 main areas are:
Your performance or achievements.
Things going wrong for you.
People treating you fairly.
This is just a brief explanation but it is at least one way of showing us how we can distort information and the results of this making our lives so difficult.
I noticed I am someone who can't stand injustice and if it happens to me I spiral out of control inside. It can cause an anger in me which I end up aiming inward and getting depressed.
The self-concept is a very sensitive entity. There are different views about how this works but mostly I think a lot of theories overlap and can be consolidated.
I do wonder if the the therapists you see spend enough time helping you to work out what is happening for you and finding a way to work with it. I know your psychiatrist was trigger happy with the meds and with less talking or listening as they are supposed to do. I do hope you find some answers soon. Discovering the effects of abilify is a great start but you are still having difficulties which should be treatable with the right person listening to you.
I go quiet on here sometimes but I am still with you in spirit and watching you fight you demons. Take care Dragons.
dragonsanddemons
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Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
18 Dec 2017, 5:43 pm
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Ah man, Ms. Dragon!
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
Aww, thank you. I'm trying to stop, but it's really hard to resist the urge. Like I've said, I think it's an actual addiction for me - it's probably as hard for me to stop hurting myself as it is for someone to stop smoking or drinking alcohol. But on the plus side, that means there's hope - plenty of people have successfully quit smoking, drinking, etc., so I can probably quit hurting myself.
Kraftie is a good judge of character and you have a lovely personality.
You are very brave to put yourself out there too which helps others.
People do quit their habits and addictions all the time.
I have been wondering about some psychology called REBT and how you use needles when frustrated after an event like when you phone didn't charge properly.
There is 3 core beliefs which cause distress and if tackled can be a good way of helping to relieve unpleasant feelings which cause undesired behaviour.
I would say that you are being held in some kind of loop which needs breaking - like a perpetual cycle.
Does your therapist ever get you working with irrational thoughts, ideas, images?
Thank you. It helps me, too, to be able to talk about this stuff here. I don't think I've heard of REBT, I'll look into it. I have not been working with irrational thoughts, images, etc. with my therapist. The images were only caused by the Abilify, but I think I do have some irrational thoughts because of the depression.
REBT may help you to understand what irrational thoughts you are having and how they leave you feeling depressed.
The 3 main areas are:
Your performance or achievements.
Things going wrong for you.
People treating you fairly.
This is just a brief explanation but it is at least one way of showing us how we can distort information and the results of this making our lives so difficult.
I noticed I am someone who can't stand injustice and if it happens to me I spiral out of control inside. It can cause an anger in me which I end up aiming inward and getting depressed.
The self-concept is a very sensitive entity. There are different views about how this works but mostly I think a lot of theories overlap and can be consolidated.
I do wonder if the the therapists you see spend enough time helping you to work out what is happening for you and finding a way to work with it. I know your psychiatrist was trigger happy with the meds and with less talking or listening as they are supposed to do. I do hope you find some answers soon. Discovering the effects of abilify is a great start but you are still having difficulties which should be treatable with the right person listening to you.
I go quiet on here sometimes but I am still with you in spirit and watching you fight you demons. Take care Dragons.
Thank you. I think I've mentioned before that my therapist tends to spend a good deal of time on small talk during my appointments with him, although there was less of that the last time. The rest of the time he's mostly trying to understand what's going on with me. I think I really need more time with him and/or less small talk for my appointments to actually be helpful.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
18 Dec 2017, 6:17 pm
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Ah man, Ms. Dragon!
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
Aww, thank you. I'm trying to stop, but it's really hard to resist the urge. Like I've said, I think it's an actual addiction for me - it's probably as hard for me to stop hurting myself as it is for someone to stop smoking or drinking alcohol. But on the plus side, that means there's hope - plenty of people have successfully quit smoking, drinking, etc., so I can probably quit hurting myself.
Kraftie is a good judge of character and you have a lovely personality.
You are very brave to put yourself out there too which helps others.
People do quit their habits and addictions all the time.
I have been wondering about some psychology called REBT and how you use needles when frustrated after an event like when you phone didn't charge properly.
There is 3 core beliefs which cause distress and if tackled can be a good way of helping to relieve unpleasant feelings which cause undesired behaviour.
I would say that you are being held in some kind of loop which needs breaking - like a perpetual cycle.
Does your therapist ever get you working with irrational thoughts, ideas, images?
Thank you. It helps me, too, to be able to talk about this stuff here. I don't think I've heard of REBT, I'll look into it. I have not been working with irrational thoughts, images, etc. with my therapist. The images were only caused by the Abilify, but I think I do have some irrational thoughts because of the depression.
REBT may help you to understand what irrational thoughts you are having and how they leave you feeling depressed.
The 3 main areas are:
Your performance or achievements.
Things going wrong for you.
People treating you fairly.
This is just a brief explanation but it is at least one way of showing us how we can distort information and the results of this making our lives so difficult.
I noticed I am someone who can't stand injustice and if it happens to me I spiral out of control inside. It can cause an anger in me which I end up aiming inward and getting depressed.
The self-concept is a very sensitive entity. There are different views about how this works but mostly I think a lot of theories overlap and can be consolidated.
I do wonder if the the therapists you see spend enough time helping you to work out what is happening for you and finding a way to work with it. I know your psychiatrist was trigger happy with the meds and with less talking or listening as they are supposed to do. I do hope you find some answers soon. Discovering the effects of abilify is a great start but you are still having difficulties which should be treatable with the right person listening to you.
I go quiet on here sometimes but I am still with you in spirit and watching you fight you demons. Take care Dragons.
Thank you. I think I've mentioned before that my therapist tends to spend a good deal of time on small talk during my appointments with him, although there was less of that the last time. The rest of the time he's mostly trying to understand what's going on with me. I think I really need more time with him and/or less small talk for my appointments to actually be helpful.
I believe therapy should be a collaboration between 2 people.
Next week I get to meet my new therapist - it has been a long time since I was a client and I feel like I am going to confession to beg forgiveness for my sins. Ha.
I am going to start to write things down I want to discuss as I will probably forget and go off at a tangent.
She may be surprised when I ask not to spend time on my childhood but to stay in the here and now for the time being. I am hoping she will be receptive to this. I also hope she can be open to working with autism in the room.
dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
18 Dec 2017, 6:59 pm
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Ah man, Ms. Dragon!
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
I bet you're really an absolutely gorgeous woman. I know you're gorgeous in your mind.
Your body doesn't like getting pins pricked into it all the time.
Aww, thank you. I'm trying to stop, but it's really hard to resist the urge. Like I've said, I think it's an actual addiction for me - it's probably as hard for me to stop hurting myself as it is for someone to stop smoking or drinking alcohol. But on the plus side, that means there's hope - plenty of people have successfully quit smoking, drinking, etc., so I can probably quit hurting myself.
Kraftie is a good judge of character and you have a lovely personality.
You are very brave to put yourself out there too which helps others.
People do quit their habits and addictions all the time.
I have been wondering about some psychology called REBT and how you use needles when frustrated after an event like when you phone didn't charge properly.
There is 3 core beliefs which cause distress and if tackled can be a good way of helping to relieve unpleasant feelings which cause undesired behaviour.
I would say that you are being held in some kind of loop which needs breaking - like a perpetual cycle.
Does your therapist ever get you working with irrational thoughts, ideas, images?
Thank you. It helps me, too, to be able to talk about this stuff here. I don't think I've heard of REBT, I'll look into it. I have not been working with irrational thoughts, images, etc. with my therapist. The images were only caused by the Abilify, but I think I do have some irrational thoughts because of the depression.
REBT may help you to understand what irrational thoughts you are having and how they leave you feeling depressed.
The 3 main areas are:
Your performance or achievements.
Things going wrong for you.
People treating you fairly.
This is just a brief explanation but it is at least one way of showing us how we can distort information and the results of this making our lives so difficult.
I noticed I am someone who can't stand injustice and if it happens to me I spiral out of control inside. It can cause an anger in me which I end up aiming inward and getting depressed.
The self-concept is a very sensitive entity. There are different views about how this works but mostly I think a lot of theories overlap and can be consolidated.
I do wonder if the the therapists you see spend enough time helping you to work out what is happening for you and finding a way to work with it. I know your psychiatrist was trigger happy with the meds and with less talking or listening as they are supposed to do. I do hope you find some answers soon. Discovering the effects of abilify is a great start but you are still having difficulties which should be treatable with the right person listening to you.
I go quiet on here sometimes but I am still with you in spirit and watching you fight you demons. Take care Dragons.
Thank you. I think I've mentioned before that my therapist tends to spend a good deal of time on small talk during my appointments with him, although there was less of that the last time. The rest of the time he's mostly trying to understand what's going on with me. I think I really need more time with him and/or less small talk for my appointments to actually be helpful.
I believe therapy should be a collaboration between 2 people.
Next week I get to meet my new therapist - it has been a long time since I was a client and I feel like I am going to confession to beg forgiveness for my sins. Ha.
I am going to start to write things down I want to discuss as I will probably forget and go off at a tangent.
She may be surprised when I ask not to spend time on my childhood but to stay in the here and now for the time being. I am hoping she will be receptive to this. I also hope she can be open to working with autism in the room.
Good luck with your appointment next week, I hope it goes well. My therapist has never really asked me about my childhood, and he works at a place that specializes in children and young adults who have neurological disorders, including ASDs.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
dragonsanddemons
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Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
19 Dec 2017, 12:32 am
I don't know why I randomly started feeling really depressed a few hours ago. I was doing OK today, until suddenly I wasn't. Nothing even remotely unpleasant happened today, if anything caused it, I don't know what.
I thought for a while that I was kind of missing being in the hospital for some reason, and I've figured it out now - it's nothing about being in the hospital that I'm actually missing. The one good thing about the horrible images I was having is how good I felt when they were finally gone. For the first time in a long time, I was hopeful, and I was truly happy. That's what I'm actually missing.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
19 Dec 2017, 6:33 am
dear dragon, I agree with you when you say you want to focus on the present. The past can be so murky and tangled you can get lost there. (editorial 'you.') Have you looked for a therapist who specializes in working with people with developmental disabilities? I know some who have been very helpful for their clients. I say this because you noted the therapist may not be able to work with 'autism' in the room. Another model for 'treating' the self-harming is a 12-step program.
Every person is different and the ways that work for one person don't necessarily work for another person. It is important to keep trying because there is something that can work for you.
_________________
The river is the melody
And sky is the refrain - Gordon Lightfoot
19 Dec 2017, 6:50 am
blazingstar wrote:
dear dragon, I agree with you when you say you want to focus on the present. The past can be so murky and tangled you can get lost there. (editorial 'you.') Have you looked for a therapist who specializes in working with people with developmental disabilities? I know some who have been very helpful for their clients. I say this because you noted the therapist may not be able to work with 'autism' in the room. Another model for 'treating' the self-harming is a 12-step program.
Every person is different and the ways that work for one person don't necessarily work for another person. It is important to keep trying because there is something that can work for you.
Every person is different and the ways that work for one person don't necessarily work for another person. It is important to keep trying because there is something that can work for you.
Hi Blazingstar,
I think you have got me and Dragons mixed up because our posts were quoted close together.
I was concerned about my new therapist working in the here and now as well as being autistic friendly.
Dragons already has someone who is competent with autism etc.
But you are right about keep on trying because there will be something which works.
dragonsanddemons
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Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
19 Dec 2017, 5:20 pm
Ironically, it seems the fact that I'm depressed is making me more depressed. It being the holiday season, which I used to love, also doesn't help. I really miss being happy - which only makes me more unhappy.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
20 Dec 2017, 7:21 am
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Ironically, it seems the fact that I'm depressed is making me more depressed. It being the holiday season, which I used to love, also doesn't help. I really miss being happy - which only makes me more unhappy.
I miss having more freedom and less barriers - I miss my old self which was full of awe for the world.
Being depressed does make me feel more depressed too because I remind myself of what I am missing.
The worst for me is my lack of energy, like someone sucked the oomph out of me.
The holiday season can be a marvellous time but also hard work if you don't have anything left in you to at least try to enjoy it.
What was it like when you were happy?
dragonsanddemons
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Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
20 Dec 2017, 9:22 am
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Ironically, it seems the fact that I'm depressed is making me more depressed. It being the holiday season, which I used to love, also doesn't help. I really miss being happy - which only makes me more unhappy.
I miss having more freedom and less barriers - I miss my old self which was full of awe for the world.
Being depressed does make me feel more depressed too because I remind myself of what I am missing.
The worst for me is my lack of energy, like someone sucked the oomph out of me.
The holiday season can be a marvellous time but also hard work if you don't have anything left in you to at least try to enjoy it.
What was it like when you were happy?
Yeah, I also have been struggling with the lack of energy and feeling tired all the time. And I really feel like I should be happy during the holidays, so it just makes me more unhappy when I'm not. I just felt so dang good for a few days after the horrible images went away - for the first time in a long time, I felt happy and had some hope, and didn't have depression taking the edge off it or anything. But it was only temporary, and now I've just got a fresh memory to remind me of what I'm missing.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
20 Dec 2017, 9:50 am
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Temeraire wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Ironically, it seems the fact that I'm depressed is making me more depressed. It being the holiday season, which I used to love, also doesn't help. I really miss being happy - which only makes me more unhappy.
I miss having more freedom and less barriers - I miss my old self which was full of awe for the world.
Being depressed does make me feel more depressed too because I remind myself of what I am missing.
The worst for me is my lack of energy, like someone sucked the oomph out of me.
The holiday season can be a marvellous time but also hard work if you don't have anything left in you to at least try to enjoy it.
What was it like when you were happy?
Yeah, I also have been struggling with the lack of energy and feeling tired all the time. And I really feel like I should be happy during the holidays, so it just makes me more unhappy when I'm not. I just felt so dang good for a few days after the horrible images went away - for the first time in a long time, I felt happy and had some hope, and didn't have depression taking the edge off it or anything. But it was only temporary, and now I've just got a fresh memory to remind me of what I'm missing.
But you did find 'hope' even if it was too short lived for your liking.
You had a nice taste of 'hope'.
It is probably hope which is keeping me at a satisfactory level of depression because there is a wisdom in me.
The same wisdom is in you and it knows there is hope - because you experienced being happy again.
This same wisdom knows that this is reachable again.
My wisdom knows I can get back to my proper realm or the dimension I usually live in.
Our wisdom cannot tell us when we will be happy again but it does know hope and balance is there somewhere.
The difficultly is that the voice of depression is way louder than the voice of wisdom.
I look for that small voice underneath the shouting of despair and try to hold on to it.
I hope you can too my lovely.
20 Dec 2017, 1:30 pm
I just read your last few posts & the posts made by other members on here. I am sorry for the late reply; I was gone for the last two days, and I was not home all day.
You are doing the right thing by giving your pins to you mother for your protection. Like you mentioned, your self-harm is likely an addiction, and there is hope for you to stop hurting yourself, just like many other people have quit smoking & drinking. I hope your new therapist can help you with your self-harm, and give you some coping suggestions.
I am glad you got a lot of rest a few days ago; it really helps me whenever I have a problem. Is your bad cold getting any better? How are you feeling now?
Do you ever get depressed during the holidays? It is a very difficult time of the year for me as well. Christmas used to be a lot of fun for me when I was a child, but now I do not want any part of it any more. I completely understand how you are also depressed about Christmas.
Just like you, part of the reason why I am also feeling depressed is because I used to be happy. I have a lot of good memories from my past which only remind me of when I was happy, and I just want to be that same way again. All my memories are a stark contrast to today because those happy days are gone, and now I have nothing left.
I guess all we can do is just move on & hope for the best. I am here for you, and we will get thru this together.
300 big hugs.
dragonsanddemons
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Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
20 Dec 2017, 4:02 pm
300series wrote:
I just read your last few posts & the posts made by other members on here. I am sorry for the late reply; I was gone for the last two days, and I was not home all day.
You are doing the right thing by giving your pins to you mother for your protection. Like you mentioned, your self-harm is likely an addiction, and there is hope for you to stop hurting yourself, just like many other people have quit smoking & drinking. I hope your new therapist can help you with your self-harm, and give you some coping suggestions.
I am glad you got a lot of rest a few days ago; it really helps me whenever I have a problem. Is your bad cold getting any better? How are you feeling now?
Do you ever get depressed during the holidays? It is a very difficult time of the year for me as well. Christmas used to be a lot of fun for me when I was a child, but now I do not want any part of it any more. I completely understand how you are also depressed about Christmas.
Just like you, part of the reason why I am also feeling depressed is because I used to be happy. I have a lot of good memories from my past which only remind me of when I was happy, and I just want to be that same way again. All my memories are a stark contrast to today because those happy days are gone, and now I have nothing left.
I guess all we can do is just move on & hope for the best. I am here for you, and we will get thru this together.
300 big hugs.
You are doing the right thing by giving your pins to you mother for your protection. Like you mentioned, your self-harm is likely an addiction, and there is hope for you to stop hurting yourself, just like many other people have quit smoking & drinking. I hope your new therapist can help you with your self-harm, and give you some coping suggestions.
I am glad you got a lot of rest a few days ago; it really helps me whenever I have a problem. Is your bad cold getting any better? How are you feeling now?
Do you ever get depressed during the holidays? It is a very difficult time of the year for me as well. Christmas used to be a lot of fun for me when I was a child, but now I do not want any part of it any more. I completely understand how you are also depressed about Christmas.
Just like you, part of the reason why I am also feeling depressed is because I used to be happy. I have a lot of good memories from my past which only remind me of when I was happy, and I just want to be that same way again. All my memories are a stark contrast to today because those happy days are gone, and now I have nothing left.
I guess all we can do is just move on & hope for the best. I am here for you, and we will get thru this together.
300 big hugs.
My cold is getting a bit better, I think. The past few years, I have been getting depressed over the holidays, I think because I can't find the joy they gave me when I was younger. Like I said earlier, I feel like I should be happy, and the fact that I'm not just makes me more depressed. And I'm the same way with memories of being happy.
Thank you very much. I'm here for you too if you need me. Big dragon hugs back to you.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
dragonsanddemons
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Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,659
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan
20 Dec 2017, 4:05 pm
I apologize to everyone who posted while I was in the hospital, I haven't gone through those posts yet. I promise I will sometime today or tomorrow.
_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"
20 Dec 2017, 4:17 pm
Hello, Dragons! I caught up on what's been happening! Got a cold, is it getting any better?
I do hope the therapist will be able to help you with the self-harming. Have you been able to resist the urges?
I am also depressed and miss the days when I was happy! I listen to Green Hill from Sonic the Hedgehog because it reminds me of when life was simple and I didn't have to worry about getting a job and living up to the way society wants you to be like.
_________________
Autism is a disorder not a personality trait!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."
