Rants

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I don't know how I'll stay awake tomorrow, as I got only 2 hours of sleep today and none last night, and tonight can't sleep. And my parents aren't answering their phone though it's Sunday late-ish at night and they can't BE anywhere... I hope they aren't mad at me for not talking to them in a while.

This is getting better and better. There's supposedly an impostor on here pretending to be my ex. Scared the s**t out of me thinking my son wasn't safe, because he was talking like he was drunk or high, so I hit up my ex on his email and he says it's not him.

I feel bland. I think there's nothing really spectacular about me.

I need to stop comparing myself to other people. But the more I talk to other people, the more I can't help but hate it.

The reason people say not to do that is because everyone has a different set of strengths and weaknesses and it's all too easy to just look at someone else's strengths and wish you had them too while brushing over things like weaknesses they may have that you don't. It's also easy to think that the stuff you are good at is just easy or obvious even though for other people that may not be the case.

I'm tired of my mom being in control of my life. I feel like I had more freedom when I was eight than I do now. I want to try to get a job this fall and then go to school only on Mondays and Wednesdays. However, my mom says I "can't" get a job and that even if I did, I wouldn't even last a week anywhere. I feel like I'm on a leash and like no one in my family wants me to leave the house but they also complain that I "never get out", which isn't true. I go to pastry school because I want to be a cake decorator during the week. I'm starting to not see the point in anything because I'm just going to be stuck doing whatever my mom tells me to for the rest of my life. I see other people my age out living their lives and doing what makes them happy and I feel so jealous and then I start to hate myself for being like a little kid still. I feel like I'm being judged constantly by my peers for seeming "immature" and even my family thinks I am that way. I try to be mature but at the same time, it's hard to act like an adult when the people you love and rely on for support treat you like you are worthless and incapable of surviving in the world.

@TheSilentOne: Tell your mom no, nicely, but firmly, and do what you want anyway.

@Lilli: I feel really boring too sometimes, like I don't know enough. But I know a lot, just not about what the people are often talking about, or I don't know how to use my knowledge about it and insert it into the convo.

Your quirky sense of humour is pretty darn spectacular.

Sorry for the beige suburbanite stress daydreaming, I seem to have concerned myself with public image professionally.

Apologizing for the apoplectic violence within engineering industry however is no job for me. South Korea gets its' missiles from the same company that built the old laptop where I'm typing. Good thing the friendliest collective in the whole world just helped me steal back their identity while they were busy chewing. That's just neighborly.

I don't run any kind of agnostic military. I work with less technology than I used to & today; more diplomacy. I am not accountable to any violent rich people who think this infrastructure actually runs on game theory.

I don't need space the way lawyers think you do. Don't follow the people following me.

Stupid, defective brain.
I want to f*****g cry.
But f**k that.
Everything's wonderful.

Thanks for the reply

I think I'm going to try to stand up for myself soon. We have group therapy this week with my whole family (minus my dad and older brother) so I think I can do it there because I know our therapist agrees with me and even my younger sister thinks my mom is being a little controlling over both of us. She is 13 and feels like I do too in some ways.

TheSilentOne: If it's a good therapist, she shouldn't let anyone's therapy compromise anyone else's, so she'll make your mother loosen up on you without hurting her.

Rant: I am scared my parents won't believe me about my ex playing mind games with me lately. And I'm pretty sure it's him here.

I have had a lot of very scary experiences, but I can't remember the specific details at all. Aside from the games I played or anime I saw or comics I drew, I don't really remember anything from when I was 12-16. I can't remember anything at all, especially from when I was 13-14, because I didn't get any sleep that year and that whole year was a blur. I was basically half-conscious.

Sometimes that upsets me, because I'm afraid that if I ever tried to explain it to anybody, they won't believe me. It's like it never happened.

It just feels strange to continue living my life so happily, without being able to remember any of that at all or what it felt like.

f**k me, I feel like I just made a big fool of myself...