Rants

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Just posted a whole rant and then deleted it. I don't want to be that a***hole.
I'm just really frustrated with this training course I am doing yet again not being about the work, or about education, or learning, or skills. The other students screw around instead of work, constantly talking about unconnected, stupid, immature side-topics which do nothing but waste time and make me angry. There is "group work" where I am forced to deal with them and their brainless bs instead of completing the work quicker, easier, and to a higher standard by myself.
It's all about socializing, talking, "working together," being "liked" and popular. It's not about the work and that drives me nuts. I am not there to make friends. I am not interested in them or their lives or their opinions outside the course content. I do not want to "share" or be asked, let alone answer, personal questions. I am there to work. That's it.
But it seems it's not about that yet again. I've had jobs like this. It was never about completing the tasks, it was all "fitting in" and socializing with the people, not about the job.
I'm still looking for a field of work that is actually about the bloody work.
Grrr.

^Having found that personally it doesn't really frustrate me, I just know I have to be more patient than most with income vs. all my studying.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

imagine if there was a supreme being who knows your intentions and thoughts even when you are silent, so u get rewarded if they were good!

I've been anxious, too. It gives me a terrible headache.

The more I think about doing art in college, the more I just get scared and kind of down about it.

I'm afraid of being way, way eclipsed by everyone I know, and everyone having way more experience than me. I worry about them expecting me to know things that I don't already know, and I literally, don't know anything.

I don't even know if I actually like art. I'm just going with that because that's the only thing I know distantly anything about.

I feel like I'm being pressured into doing something you don't want to do. Everyone's like, "Oh! You drew comics when you were 12! You must like art!"

But... I haven't really done any art at all in the past three years.

What I really want to do is write. But... I can't.

(Disability-related. I'm not even sure if there's a name for it. )

f**k, sometimes it feels like my whole body and brain are working against me.

I'm terrified. I'm so scared that I'll never be able to get and keep a job in my life. I'm literally in tears now and I feel like things are just going to get worse and that there is no way that things will ever get better. My sister heard me crying earlier and came in and offered me a a bag of skittles. It was a very kind gesture, but eating candy is part of my problem. I'm a binge eater and I desperately need to lose weight. Part of why I can't get or keep jobs is because of how unhealthy I am (at least according to my mother). I need school to start ASAP. I need to have something to distract me more than pastry arts school is. August is going to be a tough month. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel though...time will tell.

Today everyone freaked out because I forgot to publish our counter-crpytocratic impeachment campaign manifesto's budget figure for my part: I think it's roughly at or above $400. I hope by this point others don't really need to bother filing taxes anonymously, because I don't anyway. Yeah pardon us, this one is weird of me.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

If I don't tell people I'm autistic, they get upset. If I tell people I'm autistic, they get upset. I feel like there is no place for me in this world. My cat is the only thing keeping me going right now. I hate it when people assume that I am stupid if they find me attractive. That is my pet peeve, "pretty girls are dumb." I don't wear makeup. I don't do anything with my hair. I wear modest clothing from the thrift store. But still, I am assumed to be shallow and spoiled because I am good looking. In my free time I teach myself coding and Mandarin and play with my cat and play video games. I don't know why people make up stories instead of just hearing what I have to say. I feel constantly and continuously misunderstood no matter how hard I try. If I don't try, I am misunderstood. If I do try, I am trying too hard and must be lying. I am going through a break up. I hate myself and I hate everyone. I want to go back to school but that feels hopeless right now. I know it's the breakup making everything hurt. I'm almost done with trauma therapy, but the world still seems cold and meaningless. I used to believe that meaning was to be found in cultivating lasting and meaningful relationships with those around us, but I am surrounded by people who can't even see me. It's like instead of seeing me, they see themselves. That's not a relationship. I don't know if I have ever been loved by another human being. I don't know if I will ever be loved by another human being. My life is empty. I have no purpose. My heart is hurting, last night it was even hurting physically. It literally feels like my heart is breaking. Why do they hate us so much? They could just be nice but their whole world revolves around social games. It's so bad that even other autistics get caught up in trying to be like them and that hurts me on a level that is difficult to explain. I think there is value in being proud of ourselves. I am proud of myself, but I hate being excluded and treated like a weed. I hate feeling hopeless about my future. I hate feeling like half a chance at success is terrible odds no matter how hard I try. I keep trying to fill my patience tank but it's like there's a leak. I'm sad, I feel hurt, I feel frustrated. I bury myself in my studies. What else can I do?

Your life has purpose and meaning, and this isn't something you can effectively share with people who have chosen to condemn themselves to life without it. Embrace all those things that are currently making you happy; poke your head out the window from time to time to see if the coast is clear and try again with new people. Failing that...there is this place

Look after yourself.

Ok, my rant:

I am a firm believer in luck but I believe mine is currently running out so I need to put some effort into my life for the time being. I just wish I had the motivation to do more than just sit here, listening to all the sounds outside, refreshing the browser or making dinner. I'm so capable but I'm not doing anything. Perhaps because there is no one to do anything for. No sense of duty or moral duty. I have only myself to think about, whereas I've always had to consider others. It seems I've become a free person with no way to fully enjoy or appreciate the freedom I've obtained. Nothing is as satisfying as it once was.

Here we go again.
I don't even know anymore if everyone is constantly attacking me and starting arguments, or if it's me just perceiving arguments all around me when no one actually intended to be hostile.