Rants

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Every time I research certain things, I regret just about my whole life.
So much of me has been permanently damaged by illnesses of the past. Even though I have recovered from two illnesses which should have killed me and survived the last 50/50% chance of survival I was given for a third problem, I didn't just get away with it. This can't happen to you and there be no consequences for later life. You recover - but that just means you don't die from it, not that it will have no effect on you even after it's cured.
I worry about the damage. Especially as one carried a high risk of brain damage. I don't know if I recovered in time, before permanent grey matter loss, which does not restore upon recovery. Neuroplasticity can only get you so far.
I also know that I can never tell anyone about any of it. I never have because it is too shameful. And I hate the fact that there are people alive in the world who know about it, but as always, they never helped me. All they did was tell me I was dead meat, and stood back to watch me die. I was the one responsible for my own survival. Me. And now, I'm supposed to have nice, normal, superficial relationships with these same people, and forget about the huge elephant in the room - a herd of elephants. We all just pretend nothing ever happened.
I just hate that it happened, and completely erasing the effects of these things from my body and later health may be impossible. Even surviving it all, even recovering, it may well have caused too much damage to ever completely reverse.
I should stop researching / thinking about these things and just get on with my damn life.

I'm with you there C2V.

We're all tougher than you think.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

If I research my conditions, it tells me I'm already dead.

I'm nonfunctional in ways you could never dream of.
No, really.

We're pretty tough, weirdly enough.

My grittiness has been at freaky levels lately.

Thankfully friends take that down a notch or three.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Warning:

These articles are damaging to our health-seriously! I try not to read this stuff, because it scares me and gives me bad dreams.

I'd like to take a tennis racquet and smash that thing to bits! It is the stuff insanity is made of!

.

^(((Hugs dude)))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Raleigh))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry about that.
Thanks for the hugs.

Dont apologize for expressing! No need to be sorry!

((hugs))

I've lost respect for special effects wizard Eiji Tsubaraya. And it's hard to lose respect for Eiji Tsubaraya, but reading about the comment about the model horse in Franketsien vs bargain "because it's more fun!", made me almost want to throw the book I was reading it in, just, destroying the respect and magic and love of the movies almost with one line. Almost a slap in the face of the kid who read encyclopedias on monster films in the past. To the man I am now, who grew up dreaming of building special effects and such, only to have it trivialized into shallow BS by one of its creators? I care about these films, want to absorb all knowledge I can on them, more than he did. it seems. Frankly, I am goddamn sick of this whole "fun-serious" paradigm that humans put on movies, it sucks, and I hate it, I've ever put things into shallow dichotomies like that when seeing or reading up on films. I am an alien to humans, and a "camp", "just chill and not take yourself so seriously" kind of life I keep seeing in like MST3K forums and such, feels not worth living.