Rants

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Thanks Mulder and Scully for giving me a complex over black SUVs with tinted windows.

I like to had a meltdown on a random one pulling up next to me. I can see it now, arrested for assault on what the defendant thought was the fbi...

Yeah yeah I know, you have to have a mind to lose it but F you people, stay away from me, drugs and theft, I told you my crimes, Shoo go away.

I guess they just thought it fine to add additional mental problems to an autistic mental patient.

Ah I guess I can't complain, they did no harm... Which is what I asked for... Begged for actually...

Ahh, I wanna f*****g kill something.

Oy, this sucks.

Jesus...

This is story of how I got in so many psych wards...

I go to bed for a few hours, say I didn't sleep must last night which wrong planet can attest to cause I was online and... drum roll... My mom called the police on me for not answering my phone

Jesus, I can't function. I can't do anything right, I can't even get some sleep without having someone call the police on me.

There is this thing mom... called sleep deprivation... it happens when you see things best left unseen and you lose your mind.

Suicide doesn't sound like such a bad idea to be honest cause my life is perma f****d apparently but there are worse things then having your every movement tracked.

They stuck me on it for a YEAR. Ask me anything, you're right it's like medicine has not advanced appreciably since the turn of the last century.

My new doctor is a b***h as usual
Feds crawling everywhere
Can't use only drug that legitimately makes me function to some small degree
Apartment is wreck, can't clean it cause I am not functioning

But yet it gets better...

Really?

Tell me how it gets better, it doesn't, its gonna get worse and I am personally just gonna lulz through it.

Bring on the lulz, I care so little really, apathy is great when your losing everything that matters to you. Rough year, if I live to 2018 then I'll know I have reached a level of calm to conquer anything life throws at me

Yeah one of those years

One of those years you look back and your thinking to yourself... Maybe nothing you have faced is quite so dark, but I love dark. I wouldn't want to live anything other then a dark life. Darkness and death and destruction hooray, I am a ray of sunshine tonight.

It doesn't get better though, don't lie to me to save my feelings, I am sure it ends some place horrible but its all lulz to me. I don't really care to be honest.

Its gonna get so bad actually that "your not gonna want to leave your home or talk to anyone".

That is how bad its gonna get, hell I feel I am there but it gets worse, yeah I've cracked up a bit at all these things people tell me and reading between the lines which I can't do but hell why save my emotion when they know its not going to get better. They absolutely know its not going to get better, they know it. So why lie to me?

lulz

Its gonna get bad... for the lulz...

dragnet, hang in there. and you might try regularly taking whatever the b***h prescribed. might not be what works best for you, but also might be better than nothing.

Been there.

'Doctors' orders' are really a rather callous & painstaking thing to live by. I don't like the fact of these doctors leaving a chemical mess in the one place (our minds) where we know ourselves. I hope you gain those people's respect, there doesn't seem to be any other way through the unbelievable quantities of drugs they think they can solve problems with.

Take care dude I'm right there with ya.

Well thanks cberg and cathylynn thats the problem...

The doctor gave me nothing... other then Trileptal but yeah I guess its better then nothing, I was hoping to get back on the seroquel and did unoffically but I wanted it official so I am just not having a good day I guess. I think I am going try and smoke (or vape) some legal CBD weed. I am debating on how safe it is, a lot of stores sell fake weed under a legal banner but someone told me about it. I have only ever had CBD in tea and it was calming I guess.

Oh can it get any darker,

Yes, yes it can.

It'll do it for the lulz

You know why I think abuse has been on my mind a lot lately, cause there was like, jack s**t I could do to stop that from happening and now there jack s**t I can do about my current situation. Make things worse, the two are probably even more inter-connected.



I feel like a scum bag you want to know the truth.



I am going to probably sacrifice my own flesh and blood for my own personal well being.



Its not fair and its not just to be honest, yes I was abused but my brother was 17 at the time.



Just like my abuse, I am powerless to stop a bad outcome, I could be wrong and I hope I am but that is where it leads isn't it?

Well f**k is all I have to say to that, just simply f**k.

try taking the trileptal religiously along with whatever else you do. the only reason i can see for not wanting to prescribe seroquel is that you had OD'd on it. it's a perfectly good drug for what you're dealing with. if you're going to take it, try being regular (every day) with it, too. small doses (which i know is what you tend to give yourself) of mj relieve stress, while large doses worsen it.

Hey what do you know, that why they said they didn't want to give me the seroquel but its bit unforgiving, I OD cause of axinety and suddenly I am bi-polar which I might be and AM NOT ARGUING I AM SANE, just saying that that is hell of a conclusion to come from by having a panic attack. I did 300 mg of seroquel but sleep most of yesterday so I am taking 100 now, seems my tolerance is lowing for the drug after overdosing though I don't think 300 mg is unsafe, it what I got in the psych ward before last.

But I don't really care, I am probably gonna be arrested by the fbi for lulz at some point, not sure why they have an interest but my mind can think of a few things that seem largely petty to me but whatever. Downloading the internet for the lulz probably didn't help with that whole fbi anti piracy thing but I rarely torrented anything for years but I am okay with it. Lets do it for the lulz.

At least I get bragging rights for attracting the attention of those in high places... by doing drugs and using torrents, I feel sorry for any kidnapped this week, they apparently aren't interested in that cause they are too busy following me around.

No one talks to me see, they give it away with people approach me cause no one approaches me, I am uninteresting...

And I had a panic attack because I see what they did,

Thats right just because I didn't remove some of it doesn't mean I did not see some of it.

Yes please go to hell promply

I am gonna go eat somewhere,

Does the fbi have a preference? lol

Good didn't think so,

Dear God I am losing my mind, its gone, you made me lose it, I know, I never had one and I know you have seen enough to know I never had one but its the fact you see all that made me lose my mind. Everyone is not sane in private, none of you are any different but why me? I really am struggling to find an interest, hell I'll tell you where my brother is if that is what you want?

Am I on a permanent watch list for the lulz over cannabis... well that one I don't have a defense for, I love drugs but like I said I feel sorry for anyone kidnapped this week. There are better things to do then mind f**k me and you know it.