i want to kill myself tonight

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I personally do not understand living without some sort of purpose. I've always needed to know the "why" for everything.

There has to be SOME reason we are here. And obviously even if someone believes there's no real point, if they are still living and feel happy then they at least have their own reasons, their own point.

From what you say I'm assuming that your reason to live is to enjoy yourself while you're alive. Basically, the pursuit of happiness. Well up until recently, my reason for living (and trying) was that I wanted to have a good afterlife. I've never been able to feel happy here on Earth. And in the past two years I've lost my belief in God, because of continually trying and trying and getting absolutely no good from my efforts to do what God apparently wants me to do. I always felt worse.

To me, living simply to die and become nothing in the end isn't good enough. For one, it doesn't make sense to me. I can't grasp that idea. And second, if I've never really felt happy in my life, how am I supposed to believe it's even possible for me to be truly happy? Continuing to live feels like deluding myself.

I want to be happy and I'm not saying whether you should believe in God or not, but I don't and I'm better off. Religion makes people suicidal in my opinion because maybe they feel like they're always sinning and not worthy. If you do choose to believe wouldn't it make sense to at least leave the religion out and believing in an unconditional loving god? Just a suggestion, also many atheists are kinder than most church goers. I believe in being a good person because I want to be, not for fear of going to hell.

I would agree that religion has definitely contributed to me feeling suicidal. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

I just feel like if religion is wrong to believe in, something like atheism is just as wrong. Because really, nobody should be pretending like they know if there is or isn't a God. The only conclusion I've come to (which really isn't a conclusion at all) is just that I don't know. It's no comfort, in fact I really hate it, but I'd rather just accept that I really don't know than to dismiss either side completely. I don't think it's right to dismiss the possibility of a God just because religion on Earth (run by imperfect people) sucks. Non believers can be just as intolerant. I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying I really don't feel like either side is really better.

I'm tolerant of everyone as long as they don't disrespect my beliefs and/or try to convert me. I see nothing wrong with atheism, I just don't feel a need to believe in a god to know right from wrong. Even without religion believing in god feels like psychological slavery to me. But that's just me.

It does feel like psychological slavery. And for some reason it's really hard for me to get out of, even now that I'm not holding onto the same beliefs.

Things can seem overwhelming at your age even for NTs.

Decide what you really enjoy best and are interested in as a hobby. For all you know it may even be able to be put to good use in a work environment one day and you could be one of the lucky ones working for yourself doing what you enjoy. Or at least have a fulfilling hobby to look forward to, which could also lead to unexpected friendships.

Of course there's a reason, and the truth is, you already know what it is.

I spent decades searching for answers to these mysteries in every religion, philosophy, mystic teaching and scientific theory I could absorb and when you strip away the dogma, here's what I found resonating within all of them - we are all simply facets of a single consciousness, the origin of all matter and apparent material existence - everything we experience is illusion - life, the universe - everything. A very convincing holographic role playing game in which that single consciousness uses multiple characters (and stars and galaxies) to interact with itself, to learn about itself, to grow its experiences. At its core, is consciousness so pure it's beyond our puny brains' capacity to imagine. Emanating from that are various descending levels, as imagination becomes more and more complex and more material. Our physical universe is one of an infinity of the possibilities being explored. And all those possibilities are conscious and aware, because all are part of the one, occurring within the one.

The person you think of as yourself is just a made up character. There is a much larger you, outside the game, programming the drama and that bigger "you" understands exactly why you're here and what you're attempting to learn. "You" the character don't remember, because if you did, the experiences you're having and the associated emotions wouldn't be true, so the lessons would be meaningless. You must experience the joys and sorrows in order to absorb the point of the lesson. What's important is not that you figure out the why - the important thing is that you live in the moment. Don't worry where you're going, focus on where you are.

The experience is the purpose.


Its just a ride and the universe loves you. There's nothing to fear because there is no death. Enjoy the illusion, its only temporary.

So there you have it, I just saved you years of study to distill centuries of human knowledge down to a handful of insights. Take it for whatever you think its worth, I know some people cling to negativity for its own sake. I still fight chronic depression and I should know better.

Here's some interesting stuff to think about:

>>The Spirit Molecule<<

I completely agree. I believe that too. I'm certain this theory is correct too

You're just exhausted, it's no end.
Remember a mindset where you had more energy and a better mood and know these states are fleeting, good or bad. Death is permanent there is no value there, not even rest, rest is something you experience. And that's what you need.
You are 20, don't go yet. Life is interesting, stuff happens.

Two days ago you wanted out and you used your issues at work as a catalyst, you're still here.


Q: What makes you be late, bad sleep?

L_Holmes, You think too much. Life is nothing. Nothingness is everything.

You have a philosophical mindset, Mr. Holmes.

You would probably benefit from going to college, and from taking courses in philosophy, as well as the practical field (e.g., speech pathology) which you are pursuing.

If you help other people through your experiences, you, in my estimation, would have CREATED a meaning for your life.

Attention seeking people often get also the wrong kind of attention. This can still be of some benefit sometimes (actually more often than one tends to believe your worst enemy is your best teacher). But I agree that it can also be annoying or even destructive.

But does it really matter if I die then? If I don't want to "create" any meaning with my existence, who cares? Why do you guys care if I die?

You're creating your own meaning, apparently involving what you think is "helping" people like me (saving me from killing myself). So what if I just don't care?

I think you're asking a rhetorical question. And maybe being a little provocative out of frustration.

You're valuable because you're not a bad person, and can be a good friend. You're valuable because you could provide an ear for another lonely person

Stop blowing it for yourself.

Yes.....I would be happy if you were happier---what the eff is wrong with that?

Because if it doesn't matter then it doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with it. But I can't lie to myself. If I am going to accept that this is all just nothing, I'm not going to pretend like things like good and bad matter to me. After all, apparently all they are is illusions, our human minds trying to make something out of nothing. Am I wrong?

your life could get better and then you'll be glad you didnt do anything rash