Girlfriend barred from entering US :(

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She is an adult and can make her own decision, but she is very close with her mom and it's hard for her to go against her. I think it is mainly her mom who is afraid of her leaving. Her parents are worried about being able to come to the US to visit. She is not Muslim, but they are. I don't care at all. They are very moderate/liberal. They drink.

I get the parents' reaction. They are probably horrified and deeply offended, and questioning whether the US would be a safe place for their daughter. Is there a way you can travel to Turkey for a visit and talk to everyone face to face?

They need time to process this, and you need to show your concern. It is tricky to communicate that Turkey now is not a great place for Americans, since this might be taken as an insult to their hospitality. That being said, you can point out that this is in no way because of Turks, but because of ISIS and their ilk.

I've been in a similar situation as yours; it was very heavy on the soul, but we got through it. Legal help is crucial. Not only for practical purposes, but because it keeps you from feeling all alone and helpless.

It might be helpful to tell your girlfriend and thereby her parents that this situation is not unusual and can be resolved.

Please forgive me for my honesty.

If you have difficulty working in the US, you'll have difficulty working in Turkey, too. I wouldn't emigrate there unless I had a job lined up.

I doubt it that Turkish parents will take kindly to a husband who is unable to work full-time. Their culture doesn't allow for this sort of thing. And forget about their attitudes towards Autism!

Then again, maybe their working conditions are less stressful than ours--who knows? But I tend to doubt that.

It's not my opinion--it's theirs.

That is what I'm planning. My dad will come so they can have a dad-to-dad talk. I just want things to be okay with their family. She is close to them and she is currently living with them.


This is definitely part of it. At this point I don't really give a crap about ISIS anymore. I'm as likely to get injured in a car accident. I might just try to stay away from the big tourist spots in the cities. I think it is a safe country in terms of general crime. The problems are mostly political. There were big anti-government protests in 2013 that were rather brutally suppressed. It was much uglier than anything that's happened in the US anytime recently. Oh well, I'm not going there to do something stupid like protest.


Thanks. I'm confident we can get the k1/k2 visa. The problem is now dealing with her parents. They are offended that she is willing to come live in the US but I'm not willing to live there. It isn't like I'm not willing to visit, even live for a few months if possible. It's just less practical because I don't know the language at all and I have no idea how I would be able to work. She says I can tutor English, but I don't see that as a permanent job.

I am trying to reassure her that the incident with customs wasn't just about her. I think they were going to be that way towards anyone attempting to stay for a long time without a good enough explanation. It seems they may have been a bit rude though and she is extremely sensitive. I seems like here parents are very offended. I don't really blame them. It's hard to convince them there won't be a hassle if they want to come to the US. I doubt there will be once we are married and have the proper visa. Visiting family would be a very legitimate reason.

It doesn't seem realistic to me either. It seems I have to at least go there and visit. Maybe they will change their mind. It's just difficult dealing with people who don't speak a common language. Simply having someone translate doesn't give me a good idea how they are actually feeling. I just have no idea. The mom seems very warm and vivacious, but the dad is a little intimidating.

Tutoring English in Turkey probably could lead to more permanence than tutoring most anything here.

Quite a few ex-pats tutor in English, or are teachers of English in schools in foreign countries.

English is very much in demand all over the world.

Are the girl's parents Westernized/Europeanized people? When Turkey emerged from the Ottoman Empire after World War I, there was a concerted effort to "Westernize" the country. Anything that was seen as being "backward" by the Turkish leader at the time, Atuturk, was brutally suppressed. This included such things as veils and other aspects of Islamic dress (and culture).

They are quite westernized.

I'm not surprised, actually.

Have you ever spoken to your girlfriend about how her parents view autism? Who knows? Maybe they keep up with the latest trends.

To be honest, if the father offers you a job with his company, I wouldn't take it.

I know there are expat journals. Perhaps you should consult one which pertains to Turkey.

No one should ever have to apologize for being honest.

The first time my husband (then boyfriend) came to visit me, he got pulled into a little room and grilled. They asked him a lot of questions, and looked through his wallet, and also ran my name through their computer. My guy had never been to America before or travelled alone, so he was a nervous wreck over it. I can well understand that your gf found it traumatic, especially since she ended up being turned away.

Yep that happened to me too once long ago -- I got the "little room" treatment, they went through everything in my bag, my wallet, everything. Asked me all these questions. I was very young and very sheltered and I was traveling alone, it was a shock to say the least. Another woman next to me at the "pulled over" desk was actually crying with confusion and anger. I somehow managed not to cry but I was shocked to the point of feeling faint. I had done nothing. And that was before 9/11! They've always been ugly and scary. It wasn't a nice experience and it affected me badly at the time but I still think more countries should be so careful, especially in these times we live in.

It doesn't help that they're looking for things like nervousness. Sure, most criminals will be nervous if they're being questioned, but so will most innocent travelers.

Indeed. And not only am I the kind of person who can feel nervous and probably look it when I haven't done anything wrong at all, but at that time when this happened, my mother had just died and I was returning from her funeral. I was already profoundly grieving and beside myself with pain. Then they put me through that. It's a wonder I didn't wind up resentful and hating how zealous they are. The US is scary!! !!

I think they did that to my girlfriend the first time she came (back in December). She was nervous the first time. They asked her all kinds of questions about me.

My girlfriend in no way looks like a criminal. She is the sweetest most innocent person you will ever meet.

It seems like her and her family did take it very personally. I just don't know what to say to them. They probably think it is an insult on their country. They don't much care for the current government, but they are still very proud of being Turkish.

There is no way she looked like any kind of threat. She is a former Catholic, not Muslim (not that I think they should automatically profile Muslims). Her parents are Muslim, but they are very liberal. The mother does not wear a head scarf.

It seems they look at people more as undesirables rather than criminal. I really doubt it had anything to do with being from a (predominately) Muslim country. I'm afraid her family might think that now though. It seems like they resent the US.