I don't want be alone

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my standards are fairly low- be nice/kind, take care of yourself. don't gotta be a statue or beauty queen, don't have to be a genius and an athlete. don't have to be sparkling conversation. have to be tolerant of me. apparently that is too much for me to expect.

Nope. Sounds reasonable.

What's a statue woman though?

If you allow for a lowering of standards then I don't think it's easier for either party. The whole point is finding somebody you want a relationship with; if you have to lower your standards, then it doesn't fulfil that criteria.

was trying to think of Aphrodite and all I could come up with was statue.

Not necessarily. Could just mean a way of being open to new friendships/relationships but not necessarily stressing about it.

Effort is needed not just to find a date but during dating.

For example, if I'm on a first date and I feel like the girl is making an effort (suggesting conversation topics, paying attention, taking an interest, etc) then that makes me feel better about our future and makes me want to go on a second date.

I expect women also feel this way about men.

Then why don't they say that? What you've written is way more sensible than, "just stop looking and you'll find someone."

I got only three jobs in my life, and in all three instances it was the employers who first contacted me.

None of me contacting employers attempts ever worked.

When you are chased, you are in a MUCH more powerful position.

In dating, it is even more powerful.

There is an exception to every rule. The friend who says "give up" had given up and her husband did all the work. He went over to talk to her and he asked her out.

But not everyone will find a partner or a job just by sitting back and waiting for things to happen.

I'm not advocating being totally passive.

I'm advocating not making "getting a mate" your first priority in life.

I looked, and acted, desperate when I was about 21, girls said "ewww" to me!

I decided, then, to try to seek out girl "friends," rather than "girlfriends." I didn't show my horniness. My life did not depend upon becoming involved with somebody. Instead, it revolved around my interests, and the world around me, with "obtaining a relationship" placed on the back burner.

I did better when I adopted that orientation.

I used to be like that. No one was interested in me then either.

It's only as I come up to 35 that I'm freaking out. 35 and over never been in a relationship. What a loser! How ugly and unappealing am I? I must be awful.

I find as well that it's really difficult to make male friends. If you go up and chat to a guy he thinks it's because you're interested in him. Or if you invite him places he thinks that you're interested in him. It's hard to be friends with men who are definite on keeping you at arms length.

What's so important about having men as friends?

Well, Kraftiekortie's suggestion is to just be friendly and enjoy yourself with members of the opposite sex. Just get comfortable with people without putting pressure on yourself to impress the other person. Just enjoy their company.

It's actually a good idea. The more pressure you put on yourself the more stressed you will be and will come over badly, make a bad impression.

My problem is that single guys are awkward with me as well as me being awkward with them, so I never get to experience this enjoyable friendliness. Married guys are fine with me, older guys too. There's no expectations, no pressure with them, but single men are a different story.

don't think "ugly and unappealing" - it is frequency- hard to find people similar enough to us so that communication can take place. people are so damned picky nowadays, if a person isn't perfect in every way they might as well hang it up and become a monk. in any case, I highly doubt that you are anything but attractive, it is just that a good mate can be mightily hard to find sometimes.

Have you tried finding support groups for people on the spectrum? I know, there aren't many...but you might also start one in your area, or find someone else to run it (community center, or therapists might do it). Just hanging out with people like yourself, who "get it" to some extent, goes a long, long way in convincing you you're not a lost cause & helping you feel better/more hopeful about yourself & future friendships/mates.

Also, this:

I feel the same way. For whatever reason, I tend to get along much better with guys than other women. And since I prefer hanging out one-on-one, it can get awkward to ask a guy to do something that always seems like a "date." Add to that my cluelessness about signals/intentions and I end up thinking I'm making a friend...while he thought it was going to be a hookup. It's also awkward to ask guys to hang out in a way that expresses "not for romantic purposes."

I'm now curious what you actually look like, Hurtloam.

For some reason, I bet you're a knockout! LOL