I'm such a f**k up

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You’re going to improve at your own rate. Don’t try to match any expectations from others. It’s going to take time, and I don’t think anybody should have expectations on how long that will take except for you.

Thanks Kraftiekortie and AspieSingleDad.

N came and made sure I was ready to go to my supported work placement but I was so anxious about it that I couldn't speak. When we got there and had my restart meeting, N had to speak for me. But once I got into the work it went OK and time passed relatively quickly. Tea break was the hardest part - it always is. I'm just not much good at the kind of small talk that happens at tea break time, and then to make things worse one of the service users asked about a mark on my neck which was left after I tried to strangle myself while I was in prison. Which was rather awkward as I'm sure you can imagine. I was fortunate that someone started talking to him and I didn't have to answer.

It's only a 2.5hr shift but when I got home I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa (with my lovely cat on my feet) for 3.5 hours. It's so exhausting being around people. I don't know how I managed to hold down a job and a relationship for so long.

Most of my shifts are three hours. I can deal with other people as long as it's in a very clear 'what is expected' sort of way, but after three hours of customers I am exhausted. I think it's the level of high alert I have to be on that makes it that way.

It's a pity you can't go off on your own for your tea break.

Believe me, I can totally understand the exhaustion. When I get home from my work I’m absolutely thrashed. Last night I went to sleep at a little before 8 PM. I normally read to my kiddo, but I was just too tired.

At least the work placement gets you out and doing something. Hopefully that distracts you for awhile. Kraftie is right, seems like you are getting there, even if it’s going to be slowly. No pressure. I’m sure you’ll do your best.

I'm a bit late, but I hope everything is still rolling (somewhat) smoothly. Hang in there - although, I'm sure you've been holding on with white knuckles all this time for a while now.

I'm glad I'm not alone in the exhaustion after interaction. I mean, I wish that you guys didn't suffer the same way, but it's nice to hear it's not just me!

Welcome to my thread, Mcphologer My knuckles are indeed white from trying to "hang in there".

I actually had an OK day today - had a productive session with the CJSW this morning and then went for a walk in the sun with my support worker, N, this afternoon. It crossed my mind this evening that I'll never cope with going back to the previous type of work I did (plus my criminal record will preclude me from doing so), so if I'm to have a future I'll need to retrain. But now is the time to apply for college if I need to go back to studying for a while, and I'm not sure what to do. I need to think of a viable job so I know what to train for. It feels like a lot of pressure. So a bit of a breakthrough, perhaps, but also hugely anxiety inducing...

Tomorrow I have nothing on, so I'm going to the cinema to see Love, Simon in the afternoon. I've been looking forward to this film (hey, a positive!) so I hope it lives up to expectations.

I’m glad you had a good day yesterday, you certainly needed it.

Are you sure you’re going to have a criminal record? You might get some sort of community service, etc. with your record being expunged, in which case you wouldn’t have a record. If that were to happen, you’d LIE LIE LIE on any job application.

After I’m done with my clinical in a week, I’m going to take my son to the drive in. It’s been too long since we’ve watched a movie together. I love spending that time with him. Almost there.

The following are just a few thoughts, don't pressure yourself to try to find immediate answers for them.

What sort of environment do you think you would feel most comfortable working in. I find looking at what I did and didn't like about previous jobs helps with this.

How many hours could you do in the right environment, against how many somewhere less comfortable. I have different limits on hours I can work for different types of work.

What are your interests and could you turn them into a way of earning money possibly from home. This is what I am trying to do but would drive some people up the wall.

Try not to get too bogged down in the 'what can you do, what are you trained in' question that jobcentre/careers officers/everyone will be on about. Think about what will make you happy, and help you to have good mental health.

You have one of the best names on this forum.

I hope things are continuing to look a little better. Only a small amount of time has taken place since you created this post, so if at times you feel like progress is going slowly, it's really only time that's moving by slowly. Sometimes, when things are at their hardest, time crawls by (or so it seems). Those are the times when we have to just do the best we can to survive. Sometimes even when good things happen, we have barriers we need to overcome, and we have to go into survival mode.

I'm only saying these things because I don't want you to feel pressured into making some incredible leap of progress just for our sake. I'd love that to happen, but I think that rarely happens for anybody.

^I leap like a snail. Maybe this is normal for us.

Have had a mixed few days since I last updated this thread - been feeling really low and suicidal again, but at the same time have been really over-focusing on trying to sort out any possible future. It's like the sorting it out is touched by guilt over upsetting others with my death and that is driving my actions rather than any actual desire for the future ...

Unfortunately I have been in this mixed sort of state before and it usually results in a flurry of desperate activity, lack of sleep and declarations to my few friends - over the internet of course, the way I'm most comfortable communicating and maintaining my friendships - about how I have all these positive plans followed by a sudden, hard, crash to feeling worse than before (sometimes accompanied by an impulsive suicide attempt). I've been trying to distract and calm myself by going to the cinema, and have self harmed quite a lot (frtunately nothing too serious) in an attempt to regulate things to a more comfortable level.

I'm frustrated - I've had 4 years psychotherapy so I have quite good insight into this pattern of behaviour and how it will pan out if I don't do something different this time, but I struggle to figure out what to do different. Which sounds completely stupid and makes me feel completely useless, which puts me back into the negative cycle.

I'm trying my best to express this but I'm not sure it's easily understandable to anyone else, and reading it back it seems kind of confused. So I'm sorry for that.

Fluffysaurus thanks for the guiding thoughts. I actually have an excellent book on finding work that works for you, and basically says there are two choices - either find work you love based on your interests and passions (I had this, but can't go back to it), or find a job that is "good enough" that allows you to pursue your interests and passions outside of it - so for me that would be something very low stress so that I'm not too exhausted to pursue those things when I've finished work for the day. At the moment, I'm kind of attracted to some kind of repetitive lab work, and I'm thinking of going back to college to refresh my science background (most of which I've forgotten since it's over 20 years since I studied it and I haven't used it in my work) to help with this. Another option is some kind of back office admin job, but I only see front office jobs advertised locally - I guess I'm not looking in the right places. I'm way over qualified for an admin job though, so most likely my applications will be overlooked. Well those are my two ideas at the moment.

My psychiatrist doesn't think I'm anywhere near being well enough to hold down even a part time job, so college is tempting as a way to build some structure into my life and get my brain a bit active again. I wouldn't have to study full time, but a big problem is figuring out how my finances would work as I have to be able to survive and that includes being able to pay my mortgage (I'll do anything I have to not to lose this flat. If I'm alive, it's where I want to live). I'm not sure of the effect full or part time study would have on my benefits or what student funding I'd be eligible for - I'd be looking at studying HNC/D type level. See, I have all these practical thoughts going round in my head but in reality I just don't see a future of any kind for me. It's so contradictory.

You have one of the best names on this forum.

How much savings do you have left?

I can understand why you want to keep your flat.

Are there any programs which might help you with the mortgage until you get full-time employment again?

I'm glad you have friends with whom you can "vent."

Do you have any particular path which you desire to pursue? Going to "college" in the UK seems to involve something vocational, more than something of an "intellectual" nature.

I really want you to succeed. I suspect you have the "goods" to succeed. You've been "through the mill," and back. Has any counselor advocated that you pursue counseling, too?

I think Universal Credit pay interest on mortgage if your unemployed but not if you're in education. Collage sounds like the answer if you can swing your expenses. If you don't already have a lot of uni dept maybe you could look into one of those loans for collage. I've not tried so I might be talking bollocks, but the collages that want you as a student would be able to give you advice on how to pay for it.

YellowBannana, what is the date for this legal thing you have? It's hard to make long-term plans with that still in the background. That likely has a lot to do with the stress you are feeling i.e. difficulty sleeping, etc.

Going part-time for college sounds like a good possibility for you. I'm just looking forward to you getting these legal issues behind you so you can make more forward-thinking plans.

I think she's supposed to be sentenced in August.

If she gets a conditional discharge, she won't get a criminal record.