Not much to say but too much to think about.

Post Reply New Topic

I have an hour or two of work left this year, I would like to credit that success to my friends rather than mind altering substances & my own homework but I honestly can't. I've been living in a cave literally but for the help of maybe five or ten people who know me, but I only ever regularly see a few of them. I think they're aware of my existential crisis but there's no "best practices" for dealing with that on my terms.

Luckily nobody cares what I'm doing today, least of all my boss on PTO. I'm at my desk & I'm leaving. Screw this. My work here is done until next year.

Someone in Colorado come smoke a joint with me?

I'm not saying I don't appreciate my friends, but it's sad that I can't find most of them.

I'm not bitter, I'm simply very tired.

Congratulations!!

I'm working until the end of the year and don't mind (State) legal drugs but am afraid of unregulated amounts.

I'm up for a lunch sometime.

What will you do with yourself for a week and a half? Asides from crisis (what's the verb for that)?

I assumed as much, it's hard to overstate how mich I've needed MMJ to deal with anxiety & stress injuries lately so I'll have to let you know sometime after the holidays.

I didn't get the Sr. Analyst gig I applied to but they did like my resume. I'll be reworking it more soon. I'm not mentally prepared in the least for that but there's not really any choice for me.

I'm sort of a low key train wreck by this point of my month, I spent almost the whole time testing software I can't fully understand yet.

I should roll home soon & sleep more.

Yes, please do.

Sorry that job wasn't a fit (back to the search).

Not to belittle your testing burnout, but it's ironic today I told someone I would so rather be testing than doing my current job. Let's trade (for a little bit at least)!

Wishing you R&R.

I'm thinking now that this calls into question how much autism can fully describe me. I've been too anxious for a long time now to say that I might see things any more clearly than anyone else.

All I can say for now is that working on all this in private isn't doing much for anyone else.

I wish I was on the right computer to write this today. All I can do is stay up and drink while I wish I could find or fund the correct mechanical way to break this down so the good people around me could understand. The truth is that I'm only charging the cheap laptop while I wait for something better to do.

Rest in peace everyone I can't do justice with precision booleans alone.

Thanks WP.

Hey, please don't go. I think you see things clearly, but the anxiety clutters up your thought process. At least I have had decades of that kind of anxiety, never trusting, afraid to act, having jobs that made a difference, the bosses didn't think I was any good.

I hope you feel better.

I suppose that wasn't very coherent on my part, I'm feeling lost among people I'm either missing because they're not around or because they're no longer with us. I'm grateful to have some kind of place among everybody though that doesn't mean I know anything about it.

I'm doing alright today but still just barely recovering from way too many months working 40 hour weeks nonstop. ...Ow.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. It was a gorgeous day and I did a lot of work outside. Hard to make myself stay inside when the weather is good. It is supposed to rain all day tomorrow with a cold front coming in, so I'll probably work in my office and try to get that micro set up.

I spent so many years, decades maybe, lost in spinning thoughts in a world that made no sense. I tried so many different things to try to make sense of the world and I could get a grip of a corner here or a fold there, but nothing stood up over time. I probably had the most friends in graduate school; there were maybe 2-5 depending on your definition. Nothing that really lasted past school.

The biggest ache in the center of my heart is my little foster daughter who I raised from 2 to 8 years old and then she was moved back with her mother and I did not see nor hear from her (her family did not like me) until just a month ago. At 19, she is not the 8 year old I knew and we are sort of trying to figure out what our relationship is now. She has not let her family know she is communicating with me again.

Just riffing on some of the things your post made me think of. I'd like you to be able to have some faith that over time more can be learned and experienced and perhaps falls into place.

@cberg, finding something to do? Clearly I have not b/c I am checking WP every 20 min. I will take a deep breathe and go through my "happy" lists of things I can do.

@blazingstar, wishing you well for your "new" relationship. I hope that odd situation is in the future for me. Just yesterday my daughter asked me about our past foster son and I was thinking on this. I fostered him briefly but made a strong mutual connection; I last saw him when he turned 8. His adoptive family said they were open for contact, but were not. He is now a mid-teenager. I wonder that he will contact us in a few years or not and how that would be.

I do fairly well on resiliency quizzes except for Faith. I have my own, I suppose (I call it my "rocking chair theory"), but not traditional faith, so I answer "no" on quizzes. Traditional faith seems so big and mine is very quiet. I do not believe that things will go well; I believe that I will survive and be ok.

Oddly enough I'd say I'm rather more faithful than that, it takes a bit of misplaced optimism to see through the kind of work projects I get myself into & a lot more of that just to find the ability to keep walking out the front door & doing stuff.

That's exactly what I should be doing right now, so I'll get going I suppose. Not quickly, not quickly indeed.

i think that you are having the same problem that i am. i think that it is self defence. my brothers girlfriend wanted my family (brother, mum, dad and me) to go to her house for christmas dinner along with her family. her family from what i have been told are loud and swear a lot. i thought that it would be best for me not to go. this upset my family, i think my mum almost cried. i wont have a happy memory of christmas because of this. but time and time again i have not none how to respond in certain situations (you all most likely know this bit). i dont want to be around people that are all about themselves. but then, i think that i am all about me because of my problems. i have tried to be polite and balls it up because i dont know the response. i dont tell people about MY problem because, why should they care? most of the time they dont. why put on someone else the hassle of having to learn about me? this is like the gender pro nouns rubbish. if you want me to call you a series of words that i would have to remember from the start, i cant be bothered and goodbye. i would cut you out of my life. from now on, i would not approach my brothers girlfriend because SHE has ruined my christmas. I ruined christmas. i dont always feel it is my fault. i feel like i am bending over for other people al the time, for them and their needs. trying to take an interest in their interests. when i tell them about me they dont care, so i cut them out. dont talk to them. i think that maybe you are doing it to yourself like i do. write down a specific problem, a situation you remember. write down what you remember and how you felt, what caused you to act a certain way. here is my example. i went to my sisters house for a family get together. my neice and nephew were there. i dont really talk to them as i have cut them out. they both got drunk and decided to argue. this is considered normal by my sister and she chose not to intervene. my niece is a loudmouth and troublemaker. she started making comments about me to her brother and tried to pull him in, he chose to stay out of it. but she persisted. her husband had a go at her, i walked off. rather than try to argue which i gave up on years ago. she then approached me after trying to make up for it by lying and other stuff. now, i will not go to my sisters house if she is going. this includes missing my other nephews (sisters kids) birthday parties. this would upset me, my sister and nephews and probably my mum. but i cannot put up with my niece. i think the term "cutting my nose off to spite my face" applies. it is me that is going to miss out. i should go and deal with the problem as it occurs. problem with that is my family going against me. what is right is me learning to defend myself, standing alone and dealing with the problem. if my family dont like that then i have to accept it.
not sure if any of this sounds familiar.
alone for christmas, have to get used to this or go through with my plan, which i keep putting off.
all the best, merry christmas and happy new year.
simon

Wishing you can do so! I did that for a first time recently and it went well for me (I lived, it felt good). I have fear about if it could "work" again, but there it is: once to start. I'll take it.

I've definitely been looking for alternative means of self-preservation ever since I realized the extent of how different I am from most other people.

Beyond that I'm not thinking very clearly beyond the realization that I'm rubbish at following social narratives, trends & directives. When there's some kind of unwritten rule I should be abiding in order for everyone to get along, I've been conditioned to get the hell out of there instead of finding the time to break down the issues at hand & make peace with my friends. That's basically one & the same reason why I wouldn't say I have the same situational memory for social things. I guess a few of my friends are prepared to deal with this but I'm not; I really need to change that. I've been getting the sense lately that I could be closer to a lot of important people in my life if we all just got past this type of thing.

I don't need some magically implausible social undercurrent of autism acceptance, what I do need is better ways to hold space & find time to bring people back into my life somewhere we're all comfortable. It's very slow going.

I had a much respected AS co-worker - he hit a glass ceiling and without a word to anyone, not even his most "trusted" co-workers he got a new job elsewhere. Gave 2 weeks notice. Then there's me: I hit a glass ceiling and near everybody in the company knew about it within 2 weeks and it's taking me over one year to get a new job elsewhere. I say that AS is a study of extremes. (the extremes are between AS individuals and within an AS individual)