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Losing Hope

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cubedemon6073
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01 May 2020, 8:02 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don’t recommend putting lots of effort into it. I tried that. It was an exercise in futility.

The solution that worked for me was forgetting about the pursuit, and concentrating on enriching myself in other ways.


It's the paradox of tolerance.



mchkry
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02 May 2020, 11:57 am

My brother is also high functioning autistic/asperger. He had a lot of the same problems. His life has gotten so much better though he struggled for a very long time. He is on his second marriage, his wives have both been beautiful women but it took him a long time to find his place in the world. He's very textbook autistic/aspie, i.e. you can tell by looking at him. He's an amazing artist, and a good musician. He did computer graphics after getting a graphic design degree and then later on he figured out he's a whiz at coding. I mean like a genius, he makes really good money now.

We are just soooooooooo slow to find our place in life. It's like molasses. We have to be patient. I know that is not very encouraging. At this point I feel like we are so slowed down developmentally that we live our lives in slow motion compared to the rest of the population. Actually I am certain of it.

I know that my brother's life has improved exponentially in the romantic area but it took a long time. His first wife was older and gorgeous but basically a psychopath. She put him through a terrible time for ten years. He's married again and happy, and basically living the American dream.

I know it is not much help to tell someone to hang on that it will get better but I know from watching my brother that it really does. As far as the suicidal ideation I am dealing with that every day so you are not alone. I got involved with someone online who, typically, interpreted my behavior as that I am the b-word and webcam spied me and put it online. I have wanted to die every day since this happened, it feels like gang rape.

I have been through so much and fought so hard in my life I don't want to give them that (there was more than one of them involved). It's not fair they should be able to take that from me.

I am just telling you this so you understand I am right there with you. Fighting for my life and the little shreds of hope just like you are. I am so proud of my brother for continuing to show up for life and now finally he has it all, he's married and has a family and two kids he's trying to adopt as well, a beautiful wife, financially very comfortable. Being a young asd male is torment I know. I watched him go through it, but it finally came together for him in the end.



The Grand Inquisitor
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05 May 2020, 4:38 am

mchkry wrote:
I know it is not much help to tell someone to hang on that it will get better but I know from watching my brother that it really does.

While there are people like your brother whose love-lives end up improving, that isn't universally true for guys on the spectrum, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm not going to be lucky enough to be a success story.



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05 May 2020, 4:56 am

Teach51 wrote:
Just something that I have thought about that may be useful: women really like it when men take the trouble to remember details about what they like and what they have experienced. Paying attention when you listen and put the focus on them. Ask questions. Friendships are valuable too and having solid, reliable friends always gives me the confidence to explore new relationships. I find that it helps generally in interpersonal relationships and creates a communicational bond. Probably won't hurt with men either.
TGI you sound like a really great person. Having female friends you perhaps can share a common hobby with or interest may be a good starting point. No expectations, just forming little bonds, one step at a time.

I tend to see myself as a detail-oriented person, probably due to aspergers, so when talking to people, I try to remember details and usually do alright at it. Sometimes my problem is feeling confident enough that I have the details correct before I reference the subject matter that they pertain to. Often it'll happen that I'll catch the name of someone I haven't talked to yet, but I tend not to feel comfortable calling them by their name until they tell me their name on the off chance that I'm wrong or misheard.

Friendships is another area where I'm struggling a bit, but friends are no where near as important to me as getting a relationship at this stage, in fact I'd prefer to get a relationship before I make any serious efforts to make more friends for the sake of having more friends, and I know this might seem backwards, but I've wanted a relationship for a very long time and the desire has practically taken on a life of its own, where as I just think having more/better friends would be kinda nice. Not to mention I have no desire to hear about or be forced to focus on potential friends' relationships and romantic and sexual pasts given what I've been going through.

And don't worry about expectations. Any expectation I had of anything going well for me has been thrown out the window.



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05 May 2020, 2:27 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
Just something that I have thought about that may be useful: women really like it when men take the trouble to remember details about what they like and what they have experienced. Paying attention when you listen and put the focus on them. Ask questions. Friendships are valuable too and having solid, reliable friends always gives me the confidence to explore new relationships. I find that it helps generally in interpersonal relationships and creates a communicational bond. Probably won't hurt with men either.
TGI you sound like a really great person. Having female friends you perhaps can share a common hobby with or interest may be a good starting point. No expectations, just forming little bonds, one step at a time.

I tend to see myself as a detail-oriented person, probably due to aspergers, so when talking to people, I try to remember details and usually do alright at it. Sometimes my problem is feeling confident enough that I have the details correct before I reference the subject matter that they pertain to. Often it'll happen that I'll catch the name of someone I haven't talked to yet, but I tend not to feel comfortable calling them by their name until they tell me their name on the off chance that I'm wrong or misheard.

Friendships is another area where I'm struggling a bit, but friends are no where near as important to me as getting a relationship at this stage, in fact I'd prefer to get a relationship before I make any serious efforts to make more friends for the sake of having more friends, and I know this might seem backwards, but I've wanted a relationship for a very long time and the desire has practically taken on a life of its own, where as I just think having more/better friends would be kinda nice. Not to mention I have no desire to hear about or be forced to focus on potential friends' relationships and romantic and sexual pasts given what I've been going through.

And don't worry about expectations. Any expectation I had of anything going well for me has been thrown out the window.


Perhaps friendship is exactly what you should seek. Become friends with women and foster those friendships genuinely. Just be yourself.


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hurtloam
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05 May 2020, 2:34 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
mchkry wrote:
I know it is not much help to tell someone to hang on that it will get better but I know from watching my brother that it really does.

While there are people like your brother whose love-lives end up improving, that isn't universally true for guys on the spectrum, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm not going to be lucky enough to be a success story.

You're only 23.

That's far too young to give up hope.



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05 May 2020, 2:39 pm

I'm curious about this idea about "having friends for the sake of having friends". Why is that so bad?

I know people all over the world, whom I first met in person... I live in a very metropolitan city. I have a lot of acquaintances rather than close friends. But it's quite enriching to be able to talk to different people about different things and get different cultural perspectives. Plus having a contact in Australia means that I have someone to talk to at midnight when I can't sleep.

I have not got on very well with single men and I don't expect that to ever change (INTJ personality here), so at least I have all these great people in my life. It makes me feel less lonely.



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05 May 2020, 3:16 pm

agrees about too young to give up ....... disagrees on friends issue, and please dont get me started.
am apt to preferr fewer friends than friends for sake of having friends .


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hurtloam
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05 May 2020, 3:20 pm

The more people you know the more doors are opened to you, the more people you can meet through them, which might lead to romance.

I only know single women who are only friends with single women, so that theory doesn't really work for me, but you never know.



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05 May 2020, 6:15 pm

blackicmenace wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
Just something that I have thought about that may be useful: women really like it when men take the trouble to remember details about what they like and what they have experienced. Paying attention when you listen and put the focus on them. Ask questions. Friendships are valuable too and having solid, reliable friends always gives me the confidence to explore new relationships. I find that it helps generally in interpersonal relationships and creates a communicational bond. Probably won't hurt with men either.
TGI you sound like a really great person. Having female friends you perhaps can share a common hobby with or interest may be a good starting point. No expectations, just forming little bonds, one step at a time.

I tend to see myself as a detail-oriented person, probably due to aspergers, so when talking to people, I try to remember details and usually do alright at it. Sometimes my problem is feeling confident enough that I have the details correct before I reference the subject matter that they pertain to. Often it'll happen that I'll catch the name of someone I haven't talked to yet, but I tend not to feel comfortable calling them by their name until they tell me their name on the off chance that I'm wrong or misheard.

Friendships is another area where I'm struggling a bit, but friends are no where near as important to me as getting a relationship at this stage, in fact I'd prefer to get a relationship before I make any serious efforts to make more friends for the sake of having more friends, and I know this might seem backwards, but I've wanted a relationship for a very long time and the desire has practically taken on a life of its own, where as I just think having more/better friends would be kinda nice. Not to mention I have no desire to hear about or be forced to focus on potential friends' relationships and romantic and sexual pasts given what I've been going through.

And don't worry about expectations. Any expectation I had of anything going well for me has been thrown out the window.


Perhaps friendship is exactly what you should seek. Become friends with women and foster those friendships genuinely. Just be yourself.

If I knew how/where to make all that happen, I'd be trying it, but again I just don't have the avenues through which to meet women around my age at this point in time.



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05 May 2020, 6:27 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
mchkry wrote:
I know it is not much help to tell someone to hang on that it will get better but I know from watching my brother that it really does.

While there are people like your brother whose love-lives end up improving, that isn't universally true for guys on the spectrum, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm not going to be lucky enough to be a success story.

You're only 23.

That's far too young to give up hope.

Given that getting a relationship has been important to me since I was 12, and I'm no closer to getting one now than I was then, that's not a good sign.

If I can't garner female interest at all, the chances of me finding someone who's attracted to me are low. The chances of finding someone who's attracted to me that I'm attracted to are even lower. The chances of finding someone where there is the potential for mutual attraction, who also has compatible values, a compatible life philosophy, a compatible temperament and compatible life goals seems almost impossible when no one has enough interest in me to even give me the time of day.



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05 May 2020, 6:40 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I'm curious about this idea about "having friends for the sake of having friends". Why is that so bad?

I know people all over the world, whom I first met in person... I live in a very metropolitan city. I have a lot of acquaintances rather than close friends. But it's quite enriching to be able to talk to different people about different things and get different cultural perspectives. Plus having a contact in Australia means that I have someone to talk to at midnight when I can't sleep.

I have not got on very well with single men and I don't expect that to ever change (INTJ personality here), so at least I have all these great people in my life. It makes me feel less lonely.

I used to be a lot more interested in having/making friends as a teenager, but that interest tapered off for a couple of reasons. While the idea of having friends over at mine or going to a friend's place was appealing, once I was at my friend's or my friend was at mine and we'd chatted for a bit, we didn't know what else to do. Even now, I find it difficult to come up with something to do that we'll both enjoy, at least in the context of going to each other's houses.

Another reason is that they might talk about relationships or sex or whatever, and I get pretty sensitive about that sort of stuff and would prefer to avoid conversations about it, unless the conversation is centred around my dating issues, but people understandably don't seem to have much interest in that topic of conversation, so I tend not to bring it up unless it's relevant.

If friends are going to serve as a reminder of my dating problems, I'd rather not have them.

I'm also INTJ.



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05 May 2020, 6:50 pm

Learning body language changed everything for me. If you don't want to read about it, find a decent counsellor who will teach it to you and go out in public with you to help you learn.


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06 May 2020, 4:38 am

smudge wrote:
Learning body language changed everything for me. If you don't want to read about it, find a decent counsellor who will teach it to you and go out in public with you to help you learn.

I know I can pick up on body language at least to an extent, but I wouldn't be shocked if I also miss a lot. You just can't know what you don't know.

I don't have an aversion to reading at all, but when I do read, I just prefer to read off of electronic devices for whatever reason. Audio form works best for longer content though, as it gives me the opportunity to listen and absorb information while I'm at work or doing something else.

I suspect that at some stage in the near future, I'll be trying to get into therapy, and ideally with someone who has experience with aspergers.

I don't know that my shortcomings in deciphering body language account for the majority of my dating problems, but it would make sense for them to be a contributing factor. But then it could be the case that I do poorly in social situations purely because of body language deciphering deficiencies and don't even know it because my deficiencies are more pronounced than I would think.



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06 May 2020, 5:12 am

My friends and I never go round to each others houses. We arrange to meet up at places of interest.

We never talk about relationships because we're all in the same boat. All middle aged rejects with no hope.

We go to art galleries, concerts, weekend trips to interesting cities, walks round tourist spots in our country, or maybe just an hour meetup in a new coffee shop we've found.

Being an unattached older woman is quite freeing.

I know that's different to being friends with young men, but the young men I used to hang out with were people I did the same things with. When they hung out together it seemed to watching a movie at each others houses or going to the cinema or pub.

They all have girlfriends now so not as interested in going to places with me at the moment.



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06 May 2020, 5:27 am

What’s hope


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