How do some Aspies have successful social lives

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I knew a guy who is autistic and incredibly popular. Personally I was late to joining the group so I was surprised to learn about his autism. The ADHD wasn't a surprise though, he'd always struck me as being very hyperactive and impulsive. Quite outgoing and extroverted as well. Definitely the type to become fixated on something. He was quite friendly but based on what others had told me, perhaps struggled to know when someone wasn't interested in a subject or when to dial things back. Yet he was a serial dater in our group and well-known. I was in a situation once when his ex showed up and his off-again on-again girlfriend tried to start an argument (at the time - they're no longer dating) and I just stood there not quite sure what to do.

Granted, it should probably be noted that there were a couple of other autistic individuals in our group. I was oblivious to this until they mentioned it in passing. One time someone talked about being neurotypical-passing and that took me by surprise because up until then I had assumed she was neurotypical. So I get the sense I'm bad at picking up on such things. Of course, everyone is different. I knew a different autistic guy who was much more introverted. Very sensation-seeking though (liked spicy food, metal music and loud cars). Yet he hated changes in routine. His special interest was the history of different countries. As such, he enjoyed travelling around. He had friends elsewhere but apparently didn't have many friends in England. I've no idea if he's popular in other places around the world, he didn't stick around very long.

I didn't see this. Could you please point me to the specific post in the specific thread where you talked about this? It happens to be relevant to my own special interest -- the autistic community. Had I seen the thread you mentioned, I would probably have asked you a ton of questions.


When I see the thread I might perhaps have some thoughts on why no one noticed it. Would you like me to share any such thoughts I have?

Usually interests here only get discussed if they're the stereotypical sort of interests common in the autism community.

Like with music, most autistics seem to be drawn to heavy rock, that or music you have never heard of before, where as I seem to be drawn to more mainstream pop music, like Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Katy Perry, etc. Actually I do like marching band music too, which is a little different to the mainstream.

With movies, most autistics seem to be drawn to the superhero movies such as Spiderman, or the geeky type such as Star Trek, or boring movies like James Bond. I'm drawn more to British comedies - something that isn't discussed much here, and British dramas. With movies, I like the drama sort, things that involve a lot of everyday social interaction and relationships and complicated emotions.

I don't get on very well with nerds. I am not a nerd myself. I'm eccentric and wimpy, but not a nerd.

^^ Hi Mona.

Of course. There are two:

1) viewtopic.php?f=24&t=136842&p=9004825#p9004825

2) viewtopic.php?f=24&t=136842&p=9007508#p9007508

And then of course there is the post you quote on this very thread, to which I think only you have replied.

I'm very happy for you to share your thoughts, especially as you seem a very considered and balanced person if you do not mind me saying! I am curious as to the reason(s), but to be honest I'm mainly interested in chatting about how to do well in this volunteer role and help some children have more success in life than they otherwise might have. Maybe I should have started a thread on the topic instead of mentioned it in other threads. I'm still surprised and a bit disappointed if I am honest that it didn't get notice until now. As I say, this stands in stark contrast to my experience on another platform (forum website) so isn't me having false expectations as to the intrinsic interest of the topic.

Yes, please do start a new thread on this topic and call my attention to it (preferably via PM). The thread in which you originally posted about it does not appear to be intended for in-depth discussion of any kind, just sharing of miscellaneous experiences.

I'll try to get around to starting a thread on that other topic.

This doesn't, however, address the point that the mentioning of the case study in this thread still not getting a reaction is a good example and explanation of why some aspies do not have successful social lives - at least according to the hypothesis set out in my post. This is what an old tutor of mine would have described as "instructive". It's getting quite meta at this point though.

Thanks. Please PM me with a link when you do. (I don't want to derail the current thread.)


Threads like "Post something that made you happy today" are not really conducive to (or even intended for, as far as I can tell) discussion or conversation of any kind. So the lack of response there is no surprise to me. Other threads are more conducive to discussion.

It's true that many autistic people tend to have difficulty with various kinds of conversation that are commonplace among NT's. But I don't think the specific incident you called our attention to is really an example of that, given the nature of the thread itself.

I would suggest that you start a thread with a title clearly indicating the subject matter, e.g. a title containing the words "volunteer" and "autistic children."

In your intro post, I would suggest that you tell us some of the highlights of the training you received, with an emphasis on whether it all makes sense to you or whether some of it seems questionable to you, given your own experience as an autistic person, and given various child care issues that have been discussed here on WP, in the parents section and elsewhere.

This would be a good way to launch a conversation on " how to do well in this volunteer role and help some children have more success in life than they otherwise might have."

As I said, let's do this in a separate thread rather than derail this thread. (And please send me a PM with a link, because I might miss it otherwise, since my participation here is irregular.)

I think also I get confused with how other people can bug people but nobody minds, yet if I bug people it feels wrong and intrusive.

This guy at work who works in the office often comes over to my department and hangs about chatting to the other workers even though they're working and he should be working. But nobody gets annoyed with him even though he's more or less bugging us.
But if it was me hanging about in the office chatting to people, they'd probably get annoyed and before long they'll probably tell me to go away.

I know it's because the guy from the office picks up on the cues that they want to talk to him, but with me it's not so much being unable to pick up on these cues, it's getting people to want me around. So if a person gives off the hint that they don't want me around, it's a question of why.

life is very unfair.

It's not fair that some people have to be born different while others get to be normal.

I think the nature of autism should be what the name actually means, where one is locked inside their own head and doesn't care to have friends or anything (self-ism). It shouldn't be where a person is socially orientated, naturally wants (and needs) social relationships. It's cruel.

I think my days at high school socially traumatized me. The other girls just didn't want me around, and it killed my self-esteem by the time I became an adult. I can't stand any nastiness now and I don't let people get away with it any more.

I remember when I was about 12 or 13 I was walking to school with my brother and his friends (my brother is supposed to be Asperger's but he seemed to always have friends in high school that wanted him around), and there were 2 girls from my class that were walking in front of us. My brother told me to go and walk with them, being so they were my friends (or so he thought). I felt embarrassed not to, and I wanted my brother and his mates to think I had friends too, so I took a deep breath and walked over to the girls, knowing full well that they wouldn't want me joining them. And I could tell they didn't - they suddenly went all quiet and awkward and I could almost hear them thinking "tsk, what's she doing with us??!" But I also knew full well that if I was any of the other girls from our class, they would have been happy to have me walk with them. But because it was me, they had to deject me, like I wasn't important.

And situations like that happened all the time during high school. It was like the other girls couldn't put themselves in my shoes, and I don't think things would have been so challenging for me if they'd just accepted me for who I was. I mean, I had known those 2 girls a long time, I grew up with them in my class, so I thought they'd be used to me by then, and just included me. But no. It was too easy.

On the bright side, isn't autism the only thing "wrong" with you? Besides possibly having ADHD, I think you mentioned that at some point. Imagine if you had some physical deformity everyone could see with a glance, or a physical disability that considerably limited your life, or a chronic condition needing medication or other treatment on top of your ASD, how different would that make you feel? Just saying this because for me personally, imagining how much worse things could be helps me to accept the bad things in my life. Maybe that kind of thinking could help you, too?

1. I might as well be physically deformed by the way people stare at me in the street. So I can't even be thankful for looking normal.

2. It's said multiple times on WP that autism comes with autoimmune diseases and "gut" issues (although it doesn't ever specify which gut), and also heart disease and other underlying physical abnormalities, so I could be one of these without even knowing...yet. And don't say "that's only common in severe autism", because what is "severe"? I thought functioning labels weren't a thing any more and that we're all just as autistic as each other.

If you don't have any symptoms of anything like that yet, then there's no much point in worrying about the statistics. Just try to live healthy and see how it goes...

...and this is coming from someone with a severe IBD, so I suppose the gut issues -thing was spot on in my case.

I think part of the problem can be that we struggle to notice all interest. I found after I left sixth form that a lot more ppl wanted to keep contact than I would have dreamt of. You don’t necessarily have to be an extrovert but from my experience here is what can be helpful: bring open and friendly while maintaining your boundaries (I noticed a lot of ppl were horrible to me until I stood my ground), being intelligent, being empathetic or at the very least caring and it’s also important to look in the right places. I used to always try to get along with everyone before accepting that i should only focus on some people as they will genuinely accept me and let me form a good bond. They tend to be neurodivergent, but not always. Also my relationships with others improved and grew in number when I was honest abt my shortfalls socially and explained myself more (eg. I get told I seem angry/aggressive when I’m not so I warn ppl about that and tell them to let me know if I upset them).

I am just curious what constitutes having autism only? I gather a lot of people on this forum have ADHD traits, anxiety and other comorbids such as aggression, compulsion, ID etc...

many of the main symptoms such as repetitive behaviour, obsessive interests and repetitive behaviours are shared with non-autistic people with compulsive disorders or OCD

Lack of eye contact, paying attention or impulsiveness are shared with people with ADHD

Speech delay, learning disability, ID, innapropriate social interactions are shared with people with cognitive impairment

Introversion, lack of empathy, emotion or depression - shared with people who have personality disorders