(C-)PTSD Thread
23 Jun 2023, 12:40 am
as lost dragon, well said l-d
the interacting with peers, over the years, reinforces the shyness and awkwardness
but there's no specific traumatic 'event', series of minor attacks don't fall in these questionaires (i searched others)
(a general critique of tests, they always seem based on the same questions/baselines/ as the aut-questionaires)
01 Jul 2023, 11:05 am
TwilightPrincess wrote:
FleaOfTheChill wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I think part of my problem is that I've not done a lot of trauma work. I'm not comfortable with telling a therapist, or anyone else, much of what happened. It's generally just a very vague allusion. I think I might try a different therapist/type of therapy.
I didn't tell my therapist a lot of what happened to me, and what I did tell wasn't detailed or anything. I was really vague. I know that years ago, the tried and true method was having people 'tell their story' like it purged the crap from their system or something. Reality is, it did a lot more damage than good for a lot of survivors to go over it all again. There are tons of therapists out there who won't expect you to talk about what happened.
Mine was cool. She was more than okay with focusing on things like how to get grounded and centered when I was set off and not exactly solid in my head/skin. I learned a lot of coping skills that helped me deal with flashbacks, body memories, how to ground and center when things got tense in my daily life, and so on. I was dx'd with a dissociative disorder, and she spent a lot of time helping me with all that to. A lot of my time for the first few years was spent learning how to get myself grounded, centered, and stable enough so that when it came time to process what I'd lived through, I'd have the tools at my disposal to help me get through that. Besides, I wasn't close enough to being stable enough at the start to do any actual work. I was a wreck...too much of a wreck for therapy, if that makes any sense.
I'm rambling. Sorry. Point being, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. A good t should be able to work with you on that front and respect that. It's not essential for progress, unless you want it to be. And some people do, and hey, more power to them. It just wouldn't have worked for me, because even if I had wanted to, there's still years of my life missing from my memory. I doubt I'll ever know what all happened to me, so discussing it in a thorough way would have been pointless.
Same here. I tell my T absolutely everything no matter how grim. I just feel better that I have finally been able to say the words. I told him that it's difficult to say words that I've never said or even thought before and sometimes I've not even got the words because all I can see is the pictures.
_________________
We have existence
07 Jul 2023, 2:24 pm
Child Abuse - Read At Your Own Discretion
I’m not sure if I was sexually abused or not when I was a kid. I guess I want to work through my reasons for and against it even though, at this point, I’m at peace either way.
Reasons For
- I have vague memories (more like impressions) from when I was 2-3 years old.
- There are a couple of pedophiles in my family. One of them is in prison for abusing a girl who was about that age.
- I had frequent urinary tract infections when I was young up until 3rd grade, I think.
- I had issues with bedwetting throughout elementary school.
- I was a very anxious kid and was prone to panic attacks.
- I had major issues with nightmares and insomnia.
Reasons Against
- My impressions are very vague and could’ve been caused by other things, like my mom talking about her own abuse around me when I was very young.
- Other than the urinary tract infections, there were no physical signs of abuse.
- I was not sexually precocious unlike other family members who had been sexually abused.
- The anxiety, nightmares, and insomnia could’ve been caused by the physical and emotional abuse I experienced as a kid as well as weird religious beliefs, especially about demons and Armageddon.
I might be leaning towards it happening based on the urinary tract infections and bedwetting. I still don’t know, though.
Reasons For
- I have vague memories (more like impressions) from when I was 2-3 years old.
- There are a couple of pedophiles in my family. One of them is in prison for abusing a girl who was about that age.
- I had frequent urinary tract infections when I was young up until 3rd grade, I think.
- I had issues with bedwetting throughout elementary school.
- I was a very anxious kid and was prone to panic attacks.
- I had major issues with nightmares and insomnia.
Reasons Against
- My impressions are very vague and could’ve been caused by other things, like my mom talking about her own abuse around me when I was very young.
- Other than the urinary tract infections, there were no physical signs of abuse.
- I was not sexually precocious unlike other family members who had been sexually abused.
- The anxiety, nightmares, and insomnia could’ve been caused by the physical and emotional abuse I experienced as a kid as well as weird religious beliefs, especially about demons and Armageddon.
I might be leaning towards it happening based on the urinary tract infections and bedwetting. I still don’t know, though.
_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince
07 Jul 2023, 4:03 pm
Possible Child Abuse - Content Warning - Read At Your Own Discretion
Mention of Suicide too
I have much the same question as Twilight described.
It's about whether I was abused prior to age 5 when my family moved houses.
Background:
From 0-5 we lived on a little street where my dad built our house. Our only neighbours were my dad's parents on one side and my aunt's family on the other side (dad's sister).
I don't remember anything about living there and don't even remember what the house looked like inside. I've only seen pictures of us in front of a Christmas tree, so that's nothing that can ring a bell for any memories.
I have memories of things that I thought from 0-5, like the fact that I wasn't normal or that God built me wrong. I remember feeling detached from my life like an observer or very deep thinker. That might have been my autism or maybe I was dissociating.
Reasons For:
- I've always had a gut feeling about living in that house which suggests there's a mystery, or something was being kept secret from me. Even now when I ask my mum or my former next-door cousins if they have any photos from inside my house, pictures with us kids playing outside, or even if they can tell me anything about myself or those years they change the subject almost palpably. They have lots of pictures and stories of everything we did everywhere else, but not at my house.
It's weird, considering my dad built it. The house is still there but I don't know the owners so I can't go inside. No one in my family can tell me what colour my bedroom was, or the layout of the rooms. They say they forget.
- I remember hearing a weird story about something that happened when I was around two. My mum told me that my dad's dad had babysat me one night. Apparently when he changed my nappy he got mixed up and used an old rag which had been soaking in varsol (similar to turpentine or paint thinner). Mum said he must have meant to use a clean wet cloth but he grabbed this rag by mistake and caused me to have bright red welts and burns down there. He was a mechanic. I can't picture that he was changing me near his workshop or near paint thinner or that he wouldn't smell the varsol on the cloth, but apparently he made this mistake and hurt me. When I heard that story my first thought was that he was trying to disinfect evidence of something. The only other strong solvent they would have had back then would be household bleach. I guess I'm glad he didn't use that?
- I've asked my mother about this story a few times since then, and she says she never told me that. She tells me I'm crazy and she never said it. I know for certain she did.
- My mother hated living next to my dad's family and threatened to divorce him if they didn't move away. Her family was in California and she really wanted to go there. If we couldn't move there she was going to leave my dad to get away from that place.
- My mum hated my dad's parents so much that she later told my brother not to have kids because they might end up with the "Linton" curse -- meaning my dad's family genetics. That might mean autism .... but she loved my dad enough to marry him. This had to be something more serious.
- My mum said my dad's parents used to walk over to our house and enter uninvited, day or night. It drove her crazy and scared her because she'd walk into a room and find my grandfather standing there unexpected. My grandmother never offered to babysit. I think that's why my grandfather babysat me that night. I don't know why my older brother wasn't there, or maybe he was. Maybe it happened in my house, but then why would he use a rag with paint thinner on it? I'm sure my dad didn't have that near my crib. Also if my mum hated my grandparents that much, why did she defend him by saying "He made a mistake ...." when scrubbing me down with chemical paint thinners? When she told me that story it was like she was defending him. I've never heard her defend him on anything before.
- My grandparents were fighting the entire time we lived there. The only reason we finally moved away was because my grandfather disappeared from the family and went rogue. He was depressed and had severe social phobia. Apparently he couldn't "handle life" and he'd spent days or weeks in bed refusing to speak during the marriage. I'm almost certain he had undx autism but it was weird he walked out on my grandmother without a word. No one told me where he was. I was so young all I knew was that he vanished. I assumed he was dead. No one spoke about him.
- We moved away when I was five and I never really heard of him again until eight years later when I was 13. By then my grandmother had died. Prior to my grandmother's death I was terrified of her and wouldn't sit on her lap or hug her, even though she seems to have been a nice person by everyone's account except my mum.
- When I was about five I remember my mum putting Vaseline (petroleum jelly) on my privates so they wouldn't get chaffed.
She also put it around my bum.
- I was never allowed to sleep in my parents' bed even when I had nightmares. That's another thing. I used to have nightmares so bad I fell out of bed onto the wood floor crying. The only time I was allowed in my parents' bed, mum said I had to be upside down with my head by their feet and I had to be in the middle of them, not on the outside edge by my mum.
- My mum left me and my brother alone in a KMart one night and drove away. She said she was leaving the family for good and even leaving us behind. I remember watching her car drive away in the snow.
- I drew pictures in my school journal which my teacher thought were "concerning". It was something about a man in a doorway. I lied and told her it was the Easter Bunny. I had that journal for a long time but it vanished from my mum's house. I have all my other journals. She said she doesn't know what I'm talking about.
- My parents went away on holiday for a week when I was about six. Rather than me staying with my dad's mum, my cousin who was only about 18 came to stay in our house for the whole week. She had no idea how to take care of kids but I guess that was better than my dad's mum?
**** interlude --- I was SA by an indirect friend of that side of the family when I was seven ****
Note: After the incidents when I was seven, I started having night terrors. If I had to share a bed with my mum in a hotel I would wake up punching and attacking her to get away from me. I know that's because of what happened when I was seven, but I wonder if it also explains my nightmares which started prior to that.
Another Note: My family didn't do anything about the abuse when I was seven. When I swore at the man they all got angry with me for causing a rift in the family.
*****
- I used to hump my younger, female cousin doggy style in a crawlspace under her stairs. I was about five or six. She was about four. Maybe it started earlier than that, but that's the age I remember. I don't know if that's a normal thing like playing doctor, but I get a sick feeling when I think about it. I don't think she remembers, but I do. I've felt shame around her my whole life because of that memory.
- I developed selective mutism and needed to go to a speech therapist at school because I wouldn't speak.
- Back to my granddad. He had vanished for eight years. He came back when I was 13. Still, no one told me anything even though I thought he'd been dead. I was angry with him and wouldn't really speak to him. He had a new house with horses and boats. I hated going there, despite the horses. I was always sullen and slamming doors to avoid family meals or speaking. My only vivid memory is that one time we went fishing and a storm started, so he navigated to a little island and tied me to a tree using the mooring ropes. Then he took the fishing boat back home to get a bigger boat to rescue me.
(I'm not saying that's bad, it's just really weird.)
- Why did he buy me horses? That seems a bit extreme and suspect, too. He'd never owned or ridden horse before. He was a boat dude, not a horse dude. We only went there about three weeks out of the whole year. I had three cousins and a brother, but the horses and a Shetland pony were purchased for me, along with a stable and all the stuff. I gave one horse to my brother but they were mine. I guess he thought I wouldn't be angry if he gave me some ponies? Even that didn't work. I loved the horses but hated him.
- I wasn't allowed to spend time in his new workshop when we visited that house. Everyone told me it was "men's work" so I had to stay inside with any of the women, even though they didn't do "women's work". They just hung around cutting the grass or talking about boating. The women were always very outdoorsy and did engineering like my granddad but I couldn't go out and watch him build things, even if my dad and brother were there.
- When I was about 14 he got a summer place in Florida. When I was there I put Rub A5-35 (burning muscle cream) on my privates to see what it would feel like. This was before I knew about the rag with the paint thinner.
- The first time I got drunk I was 15. It was my parents' 25th wedding anniversary party with an open bar. I remember ordering all sorts of drinks called Silver Cadillacs, because I was scared someone would make me dance with my granddad. I ended up throwing up and being taken to my aunt's house to sleep it off at the house beside my former house. The whole time I was throwing up I was trying to remember what happened over there when I was little.
- My granddad committed suicide by shooting himself in the head on my sixteenth birthday. Sweet 16.
- Even when he died, no one told me it was suicide. I went to the funeral and everything with no idea. I was 16 so it's not like I couldn't handle the truth. I only found out later from one cousin who seemed freaked out about telling me by mistake.
- My family moved to California as soon as he died, to "get away" for two years. My parents fought a lot there too.
We kept our house but rented it out because my dad refused to stay there.
- Beyond this, my grandmother's dad was known for being lecherous and liking "young" girls or women. I don't know how old they mean by that, but I know he used to pinch my mum's arse when she was a teenager and she didn't like being around him.
- I went to a hypnotist on the grounds of my grandparents' former house which got demolished when he vanished. The hypnotist said I had the strongest subconscious he'd ever encountered and it was locked tight.
- The only reason my grandparents got married in the first place was because grandma got pregnant on their first date. That was in 1933. I can't picture she was hustling him for sex. He must have been one horny dude.
- Everyone was drunk when I was little. It was a big deal for all the adults to get shit-faced and party. I actually lived on a boat before going to that house. They used to spend weeks moored at an island with several boats of their friends. They'd just put the kids to sleep where they could find an empty bed on anyone's boat, and go party on the island. People would come and go.
- TMI: I have no memory of ever having a hymen. I know some people aren't born with them, and tbh I didn't even know they existed until I was much older. My SA when I was seven didn't involve penetration that I'm aware of, although maybe I've forgotten that too. It was pretty intense so it's possible, but if not I could have lost it before age 7. I have no idea.
- My mother never did teach me about periods or sex, or anything to do with my body. It's a miracle she got grandchildren somehow. She wasn't prudish and her mother talked about sex all the time.
- One of my earliest recurring dreams / nightmares was about giving oral sex to my mum. That was WAY before I had any clue what it meant. I could say more about the dream but I won't.
Reasons Against:
- I find it hard to believe my mum wouldn't have just told me, but then again maybe she thought it had to be secret. Maybe now it was so long ago she doesn't want to bother.
- I love my granddad now. I mean, he's dead ... but when I see pictures I feel good feelings about him. I have compassion for his autism / social phobia and I wish I could talk to him.
- It's not exactly weird that I can't remember being 0-5, or that an unphotographed house that my dad built would seem mysterious and intriguing to me many years later.
- I'm drawing a blank on other reasons against.
From 0-5 we lived on a little street where my dad built our house. Our only neighbours were my dad's parents on one side and my aunt's family on the other side (dad's sister).
I don't remember anything about living there and don't even remember what the house looked like inside. I've only seen pictures of us in front of a Christmas tree, so that's nothing that can ring a bell for any memories.
I have memories of things that I thought from 0-5, like the fact that I wasn't normal or that God built me wrong. I remember feeling detached from my life like an observer or very deep thinker. That might have been my autism or maybe I was dissociating.
Reasons For:
- I've always had a gut feeling about living in that house which suggests there's a mystery, or something was being kept secret from me. Even now when I ask my mum or my former next-door cousins if they have any photos from inside my house, pictures with us kids playing outside, or even if they can tell me anything about myself or those years they change the subject almost palpably. They have lots of pictures and stories of everything we did everywhere else, but not at my house.
It's weird, considering my dad built it. The house is still there but I don't know the owners so I can't go inside. No one in my family can tell me what colour my bedroom was, or the layout of the rooms. They say they forget.
- I remember hearing a weird story about something that happened when I was around two. My mum told me that my dad's dad had babysat me one night. Apparently when he changed my nappy he got mixed up and used an old rag which had been soaking in varsol (similar to turpentine or paint thinner). Mum said he must have meant to use a clean wet cloth but he grabbed this rag by mistake and caused me to have bright red welts and burns down there. He was a mechanic. I can't picture that he was changing me near his workshop or near paint thinner or that he wouldn't smell the varsol on the cloth, but apparently he made this mistake and hurt me. When I heard that story my first thought was that he was trying to disinfect evidence of something. The only other strong solvent they would have had back then would be household bleach. I guess I'm glad he didn't use that?
- I've asked my mother about this story a few times since then, and she says she never told me that. She tells me I'm crazy and she never said it. I know for certain she did.
- My mother hated living next to my dad's family and threatened to divorce him if they didn't move away. Her family was in California and she really wanted to go there. If we couldn't move there she was going to leave my dad to get away from that place.
- My mum hated my dad's parents so much that she later told my brother not to have kids because they might end up with the "Linton" curse -- meaning my dad's family genetics. That might mean autism .... but she loved my dad enough to marry him. This had to be something more serious.
- My mum said my dad's parents used to walk over to our house and enter uninvited, day or night. It drove her crazy and scared her because she'd walk into a room and find my grandfather standing there unexpected. My grandmother never offered to babysit. I think that's why my grandfather babysat me that night. I don't know why my older brother wasn't there, or maybe he was. Maybe it happened in my house, but then why would he use a rag with paint thinner on it? I'm sure my dad didn't have that near my crib. Also if my mum hated my grandparents that much, why did she defend him by saying "He made a mistake ...." when scrubbing me down with chemical paint thinners? When she told me that story it was like she was defending him. I've never heard her defend him on anything before.
- My grandparents were fighting the entire time we lived there. The only reason we finally moved away was because my grandfather disappeared from the family and went rogue. He was depressed and had severe social phobia. Apparently he couldn't "handle life" and he'd spent days or weeks in bed refusing to speak during the marriage. I'm almost certain he had undx autism but it was weird he walked out on my grandmother without a word. No one told me where he was. I was so young all I knew was that he vanished. I assumed he was dead. No one spoke about him.
- We moved away when I was five and I never really heard of him again until eight years later when I was 13. By then my grandmother had died. Prior to my grandmother's death I was terrified of her and wouldn't sit on her lap or hug her, even though she seems to have been a nice person by everyone's account except my mum.
- When I was about five I remember my mum putting Vaseline (petroleum jelly) on my privates so they wouldn't get chaffed.
She also put it around my bum.
- I was never allowed to sleep in my parents' bed even when I had nightmares. That's another thing. I used to have nightmares so bad I fell out of bed onto the wood floor crying. The only time I was allowed in my parents' bed, mum said I had to be upside down with my head by their feet and I had to be in the middle of them, not on the outside edge by my mum.
- My mum left me and my brother alone in a KMart one night and drove away. She said she was leaving the family for good and even leaving us behind. I remember watching her car drive away in the snow.
- I drew pictures in my school journal which my teacher thought were "concerning". It was something about a man in a doorway. I lied and told her it was the Easter Bunny. I had that journal for a long time but it vanished from my mum's house. I have all my other journals. She said she doesn't know what I'm talking about.
- My parents went away on holiday for a week when I was about six. Rather than me staying with my dad's mum, my cousin who was only about 18 came to stay in our house for the whole week. She had no idea how to take care of kids but I guess that was better than my dad's mum?
**** interlude --- I was SA by an indirect friend of that side of the family when I was seven ****
Note: After the incidents when I was seven, I started having night terrors. If I had to share a bed with my mum in a hotel I would wake up punching and attacking her to get away from me. I know that's because of what happened when I was seven, but I wonder if it also explains my nightmares which started prior to that.
Another Note: My family didn't do anything about the abuse when I was seven. When I swore at the man they all got angry with me for causing a rift in the family.
*****
- I used to hump my younger, female cousin doggy style in a crawlspace under her stairs. I was about five or six. She was about four. Maybe it started earlier than that, but that's the age I remember. I don't know if that's a normal thing like playing doctor, but I get a sick feeling when I think about it. I don't think she remembers, but I do. I've felt shame around her my whole life because of that memory.
- I developed selective mutism and needed to go to a speech therapist at school because I wouldn't speak.
- Back to my granddad. He had vanished for eight years. He came back when I was 13. Still, no one told me anything even though I thought he'd been dead. I was angry with him and wouldn't really speak to him. He had a new house with horses and boats. I hated going there, despite the horses. I was always sullen and slamming doors to avoid family meals or speaking. My only vivid memory is that one time we went fishing and a storm started, so he navigated to a little island and tied me to a tree using the mooring ropes. Then he took the fishing boat back home to get a bigger boat to rescue me.
(I'm not saying that's bad, it's just really weird.)
- Why did he buy me horses? That seems a bit extreme and suspect, too. He'd never owned or ridden horse before. He was a boat dude, not a horse dude. We only went there about three weeks out of the whole year. I had three cousins and a brother, but the horses and a Shetland pony were purchased for me, along with a stable and all the stuff. I gave one horse to my brother but they were mine. I guess he thought I wouldn't be angry if he gave me some ponies? Even that didn't work. I loved the horses but hated him.
- I wasn't allowed to spend time in his new workshop when we visited that house. Everyone told me it was "men's work" so I had to stay inside with any of the women, even though they didn't do "women's work". They just hung around cutting the grass or talking about boating. The women were always very outdoorsy and did engineering like my granddad but I couldn't go out and watch him build things, even if my dad and brother were there.
- When I was about 14 he got a summer place in Florida. When I was there I put Rub A5-35 (burning muscle cream) on my privates to see what it would feel like. This was before I knew about the rag with the paint thinner.
- The first time I got drunk I was 15. It was my parents' 25th wedding anniversary party with an open bar. I remember ordering all sorts of drinks called Silver Cadillacs, because I was scared someone would make me dance with my granddad. I ended up throwing up and being taken to my aunt's house to sleep it off at the house beside my former house. The whole time I was throwing up I was trying to remember what happened over there when I was little.
- My granddad committed suicide by shooting himself in the head on my sixteenth birthday. Sweet 16.
- Even when he died, no one told me it was suicide. I went to the funeral and everything with no idea. I was 16 so it's not like I couldn't handle the truth. I only found out later from one cousin who seemed freaked out about telling me by mistake.
- My family moved to California as soon as he died, to "get away" for two years. My parents fought a lot there too.
We kept our house but rented it out because my dad refused to stay there.
- Beyond this, my grandmother's dad was known for being lecherous and liking "young" girls or women. I don't know how old they mean by that, but I know he used to pinch my mum's arse when she was a teenager and she didn't like being around him.
- I went to a hypnotist on the grounds of my grandparents' former house which got demolished when he vanished. The hypnotist said I had the strongest subconscious he'd ever encountered and it was locked tight.
- The only reason my grandparents got married in the first place was because grandma got pregnant on their first date. That was in 1933. I can't picture she was hustling him for sex. He must have been one horny dude.
- Everyone was drunk when I was little. It was a big deal for all the adults to get shit-faced and party. I actually lived on a boat before going to that house. They used to spend weeks moored at an island with several boats of their friends. They'd just put the kids to sleep where they could find an empty bed on anyone's boat, and go party on the island. People would come and go.
- TMI: I have no memory of ever having a hymen. I know some people aren't born with them, and tbh I didn't even know they existed until I was much older. My SA when I was seven didn't involve penetration that I'm aware of, although maybe I've forgotten that too. It was pretty intense so it's possible, but if not I could have lost it before age 7. I have no idea.
- My mother never did teach me about periods or sex, or anything to do with my body. It's a miracle she got grandchildren somehow. She wasn't prudish and her mother talked about sex all the time.
- One of my earliest recurring dreams / nightmares was about giving oral sex to my mum. That was WAY before I had any clue what it meant. I could say more about the dream but I won't.
Reasons Against:
- I find it hard to believe my mum wouldn't have just told me, but then again maybe she thought it had to be secret. Maybe now it was so long ago she doesn't want to bother.
- I love my granddad now. I mean, he's dead ... but when I see pictures I feel good feelings about him. I have compassion for his autism / social phobia and I wish I could talk to him.
- It's not exactly weird that I can't remember being 0-5, or that an unphotographed house that my dad built would seem mysterious and intriguing to me many years later.
- I'm drawing a blank on other reasons against.
_________________
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
09 Jul 2023, 7:11 am
I've always found that just remembering what I can without specific details is enough to let me know what happened.
Possible Sensitive Content
I've also come to the conclusion that I would have been far too young to know what was happening anyway and it would have been done in such a manipulative way as well and probably disguised as play. Some things are best not remembered.
It was my behaviour that told me. I was sexually inappropriate/violent towards people as a very young child. Far too much knowledge for a child of 6 or 7.
It was my behaviour that told me. I was sexually inappropriate/violent towards people as a very young child. Far too much knowledge for a child of 6 or 7.
I have actually started to remember things in the last few weeks but it's not a full picture. Why really would I want a full picture of something so disturbing anyway.
_________________
We have existence
09 Jul 2023, 9:13 am
Varsol??!??Thats what you clean transmissions and other auto parts with.
That’s a strong solvent, with a very strong chemical smell.I don’t see how anyone could mistake that smell and use it to clean a baby.Jesus Christ that’s awful.
My ex’s brother was a transmission mechanic and his clothes reeked of it.Just a whiff makes me queasy.
_________________
I am the dust that dances in the light. - Rumi
09 Jul 2023, 5:16 pm
As far as my adult sexual abuse goes, I tend to find the experiences that involved physical pain the most traumatic. (It might tie in to being physically abused when I was a kid. Obviously, we all find different things traumatic.) Sometimes I feel physical pain before or during a flashback or when an old memory is surging to the surface for some reason. It's very strange, and it sucks because it's so, so triggering. Nothing really helps with it. I just have to wait it out, it seems.
_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince
12 Jul 2023, 8:56 am
Sexual assault is “more likely to result in post-traumatic stress disorder than going into combat.”
“45% of women and 65% of men who reported being raped met criteria for PTSD, compared to 38.8% of men who had PTSD from experiencing combat.”
https://www.military.com/daily-news/201 ... d.html/amp
I’m not discounting other types of trauma. There’s no way I could handle the reality of war without cowering in the fetal position in some corner. I can’t even watch war movies. I’m just highlighting the seriousness of sexual assault and its far-reaching consequences.
People don’t expect war veterans to just get over it and lead happy, normal lives, so why do some expect something different with sexual assault victims?
_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince
14 Jul 2023, 2:28 pm
When I was in the tail-end of my abusive situation with my husband and for a short time afterwards, I experienced hallucinations. They weren't flashbacks, but they were related to my trauma in various ways, especially in terms of content. I could easily decipher what was real from what wasn't, but it was terrifying nonetheless. I felt like I was descending into madness.
Quote:
PTSD hallucinations
Yes, you can experience hallucinations with PTSD.
While this symptom isn’t a part of the DSM-5 criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder, expanding research suggests hallucinations may be more common than originally thought among trauma-spectrum disorders.
In a 2020 study among women living with PTSD, researchers found that 46% reported clear auditory hallucinations in the form of voices.
Similar findings were reported in an earlier study from 2000, which found that 30% to 40% of combat veterans living with PTSD reported auditory or visual hallucinations and delusions.
Psychosis
Traditionally, hallucinations and delusions are classified as symptoms of psychosis. Psychosis is characterized by your brain’s inability to distinguish between what’s real and what isn’t.
However, psychotic-like experiences with PTSD are not necessarily considered classic psychosis.
A study from 2005 examined the prevalence of psychosis symptoms among people living with PTSD or trauma exposure. Researchers found that an array of psychosis symptoms were noted among participants.
The severity of a traumatic event was associated with the severity of symptoms experienced. When it came to PTSD hallucinations, they were most commonly associated with experiences of sexual abuse.
However, this research is far from conclusive. It’s important to note that this study was conducted on a sample of people with a preexisting psychotic disorder, and only half of all participants were living with PTSD.
Yes, you can experience hallucinations with PTSD.
While this symptom isn’t a part of the DSM-5 criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder, expanding research suggests hallucinations may be more common than originally thought among trauma-spectrum disorders.
In a 2020 study among women living with PTSD, researchers found that 46% reported clear auditory hallucinations in the form of voices.
Similar findings were reported in an earlier study from 2000, which found that 30% to 40% of combat veterans living with PTSD reported auditory or visual hallucinations and delusions.
Psychosis
Traditionally, hallucinations and delusions are classified as symptoms of psychosis. Psychosis is characterized by your brain’s inability to distinguish between what’s real and what isn’t.
However, psychotic-like experiences with PTSD are not necessarily considered classic psychosis.
A study from 2005 examined the prevalence of psychosis symptoms among people living with PTSD or trauma exposure. Researchers found that an array of psychosis symptoms were noted among participants.
The severity of a traumatic event was associated with the severity of symptoms experienced. When it came to PTSD hallucinations, they were most commonly associated with experiences of sexual abuse.
However, this research is far from conclusive. It’s important to note that this study was conducted on a sample of people with a preexisting psychotic disorder, and only half of all participants were living with PTSD.
Possible reason for it:
Quote:
Predictive coding in the brain
A 2017 study showed significant genetic commonalities between PTSD and schizophrenia.
While this doesn’t explain the exact mechanism that creates PTSD hallucinations, like in schizophrenia, experts believe these altered perceptions of reality may come from skewed predictive coding in the brain.
Predictive coding is a theoretical concept suggesting that your brain is in a constant state of updating based on anticipated (or predicted) sensory inputs.
Research from 2020 on predictive coding and PTSD hallucinations indicates that incorrect assumptions from the brain may contribute to skewed sensory perception.
In other words, if your brain ignores the correct sensory input in favor of a trauma-informed response, you might experience a hallucination.
A 2017 study showed significant genetic commonalities between PTSD and schizophrenia.
While this doesn’t explain the exact mechanism that creates PTSD hallucinations, like in schizophrenia, experts believe these altered perceptions of reality may come from skewed predictive coding in the brain.
Predictive coding is a theoretical concept suggesting that your brain is in a constant state of updating based on anticipated (or predicted) sensory inputs.
Research from 2020 on predictive coding and PTSD hallucinations indicates that incorrect assumptions from the brain may contribute to skewed sensory perception.
In other words, if your brain ignores the correct sensory input in favor of a trauma-informed response, you might experience a hallucination.
https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/ptsd-hall ... ucinations
_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince
14 Jul 2023, 2:49 pm
Here's an article that might help people to understand the difference between PTSD flashbacks and hallucinations.
https://www.theguesthouseocala.com/what ... ke%20sense.
I don't have visual hallucinations but I've had a few sleep paralysis visions where I'm half-dreaming the vision right when I wake. I've seen the people standing in the doorway of my bedroom but I was unable to move. I don't have visual hallucinations during my waking hours and I wonder if that's because I have Aphantasia or the inability to picture things, period. I also wonder if Aphantasia is a coping mechanism which might be more common in trauma survivors as a way of avoiding visual memory?
Instead of visual hallucinations I'm prone to hearing voices right when I fall asleep or wake up. This is known as Hypnagogia when falling asleep or Hypnopompia when waking up, and they're sometimes considered "auditory hallucinations". Neither are indicative of psychosis and they can occur for people with or without trauma. They are forms of sleep disorders and they were both detected on my sleep study tests (which I can't find ... it's driving me mad.)
In my case about 90% of the time I hear auditory conversations like a replaying TV dialogue and they're harmless or even nonsensical. Other times I hear sounds or voices from trauma and it's so real it's like I'm reliving the experience.
My main type of flashback is called emotional flashbacks, but those are different from hallucinations so I won't get into that right now.
_________________
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
14 Jul 2023, 2:59 pm
^ I wonder if I was more prone to experiencing visual hallucinations because I think in pictures. Being sleep-deprived probably didn't help. The situation is long-resolved now, but I have some very strange memories from that time. There were problems hitting me from every direction - even from within.
My flashbacks are also mostly visual although I experience sensations in my body as well.
_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince
16 Jul 2023, 10:12 pm
I had Stockholm syndrome. It made it even harder to get out of my abusive situation. I can relate to most of the following:
Quote:
Stockholm syndrome is an emotional response. It happens to some abuse and hostage victims when they have positive feelings toward an abuser or captor.
What Is Stockholm Syndrome?
Stockholm syndrome isn’t a psychological diagnosis. Instead, it is a way of understanding the emotional response some people have towards a captor or abuser.
Sometimes people who are held prisoner or are subject to abuse can have feelings of sympathy or other positive feelings toward the captor. This seems to happen over days, weeks, months, or years of captivity and close contact to the captor.
A bond can grow between the victim and the captor. This can lead to kind treatment and less harm from the abuser as they might also create a positive bond with their victims.
Someone who has Stockholm syndrome might have confusing feelings toward the abuser, including:
- Love
- Sympathy
- Empathy
- Desire to protect them
A person might be abused and severely threatened by a captor or an abuser, but they also rely on them to survive. If the abuser is kind in any way, they might cling to this as a coping mechanism for survival. They might have sympathy toward them for this kindness.
Impact of Stockholm Syndrome on Health
Stockholm syndrome isn’t listed as a formal mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5). People who have this syndrome seem to have some other common symptoms, though:
- Embarrassment about their emotions toward an abuser
- Confusion
- Guilt
- Difficulty trusting others
- Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (nightmares, insomnia, flashbacks, startling easily)
After abuse or being held captive, they might also have many other symptoms, including:
- Denial
- Social withdrawal
- Chronic feeling of tension
- Feelings of emptiness
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Learned helplessness
- Excessive dependence
- Loss of interest in activities
What Is Stockholm Syndrome?
Stockholm syndrome isn’t a psychological diagnosis. Instead, it is a way of understanding the emotional response some people have towards a captor or abuser.
Sometimes people who are held prisoner or are subject to abuse can have feelings of sympathy or other positive feelings toward the captor. This seems to happen over days, weeks, months, or years of captivity and close contact to the captor.
A bond can grow between the victim and the captor. This can lead to kind treatment and less harm from the abuser as they might also create a positive bond with their victims.
Someone who has Stockholm syndrome might have confusing feelings toward the abuser, including:
- Love
- Sympathy
- Empathy
- Desire to protect them
A person might be abused and severely threatened by a captor or an abuser, but they also rely on them to survive. If the abuser is kind in any way, they might cling to this as a coping mechanism for survival. They might have sympathy toward them for this kindness.
Impact of Stockholm Syndrome on Health
Stockholm syndrome isn’t listed as a formal mental health diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5). People who have this syndrome seem to have some other common symptoms, though:
- Embarrassment about their emotions toward an abuser
- Confusion
- Guilt
- Difficulty trusting others
- Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (nightmares, insomnia, flashbacks, startling easily)
After abuse or being held captive, they might also have many other symptoms, including:
- Denial
- Social withdrawal
- Chronic feeling of tension
- Feelings of emptiness
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Learned helplessness
- Excessive dependence
- Loss of interest in activities
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/wha ... m-syndrome
_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince
17 Jul 2023, 8:48 am
I have a form of Stockholm.
I learned to play the game to appease the perps but never created a bond or cared about them.
I was able to dissociate and do what I needed to, to ensure the safety and wellbeing of my kids.
Now I'm struck with guilt that I didn't do more to stop it, but if I had I'd likely be dead.
Either that, or my kids would have been taken away and their lives destroyed.
Sometimes there's no easy answer.
I have all the same symptoms of SS though, in the fall out.
It's been 21 years since it started and 14 years since it ended.
It's all just as raw as Day 1.
_________________
And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
|
PTSD and ASD??
in Bipolar, Tourettes, Schizophrenia, and other Psychological Conditions |
08 May 2024, 10:13 am |
|
PTSD tied to 95 'risk hotspots' in the genome
in Bipolar, Tourettes, Schizophrenia, and other Psychological Conditions |
01 May 2024, 6:52 am |
| Yugoslav Thread |
14 May 2024, 2:03 am |
| Idea for a thread.. help needed |
16 May 2024, 3:42 pm |
