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13 May 2019, 7:15 am
13 May 2019, 12:44 pm
Children screaming and shouting outside for hours now 
13 May 2019, 5:55 pm
14 May 2019, 4:16 pm
14 May 2019, 6:02 pm
16 May 2019, 1:28 am
19 May 2019, 4:04 pm
Temporary executive function levels... Temporary control and self-regulation levels... Temporary capabilities, temporary everything...
Sigh, of course.
How the heck do I actually know if I'm going forward or backwards?!
Annoying. Annoying, annoying, annoying... 
If this were a week ago or so, I would've exploded. But now???
Deep down I'm hell annoyed and disappointed really. But my mind says this is meaningless. Meaningless... All of this, whatever the heck 'I' am. Meaningless. Pointless.
Not the 'Why should I care??' and feeling apathetic or dismissive. I don't even feel empty.
The feeling here is annoyance and disappointment. It feels like a trap closer to home.. An ever changing trap -- the trap is Temporary, an Illusion itself.
Part of me just had enough with it, saying 'Screw this! Whatever the heck this is!..'
Lol, yeah... How to fricking explain this, eh? How does one express annoyance, disappointment, feeling trap from the self -- and whose thought says this is pointless and without despair or hopelessness involved??
Part of me is amused, but more like exprassed? Whatever that word was, I forgot. Amused, more like 'here-we-go-again-I'm-sick-of-this' sarcastic like amused.
21 May 2019, 10:54 am
When you cede a library computer you booked to someone, who won't depart ignoring* me in continuing to look at her cell phone making me book for another computer where someone else was disappointed by the presence of numbers meaning I booked it. She did have a mail package with non-English words on it so to her favour it seemed important but the dark-side of me clamors with voices of majority Caucasians and minority Natives having a point in saying that immigrants are petty, divisive/tribalistic, parasitic, remittance-hoarding opportunists--how is that for self-hatred coming from the offspring of immigrants 
?.
Edna3362, if your reading this might I be at liberty to think that given past entries your Fillipino and that I speculate that given the accent the woman was as well..I am struggling to not make a conflation when it comes to annoyance, 'on-the-spectrum-peer' so let me say with no undertone of adversarial-ness that I am open to hearing your opinion or such.
*=_= M---f---r do I think that apathy is the bane of existence.
Camus: I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live as if there isn't and die to find out that there is.
Me: I would rather live my life caring too much and find out I didn't have to, than to live life not caring-barely caring and die to find out out I had to.
Sure, screw theism but when will you all f----g realize? =_= .
21 May 2019, 1:05 pm
Edna3362 wrote:
Temporary executive function levels... Temporary control and self-regulation levels... Temporary capabilities, temporary everything...
Sigh, of course.
How the heck do I actually know if I'm going forward or backwards?!
Annoying. Annoying, annoying, annoying...
If this were a week ago or so, I would've exploded. But now???
Deep down I'm hell annoyed and disappointed really. But my mind says this is meaningless. Meaningless... All of this, whatever the heck 'I' am. Meaningless. Pointless.
Not the 'Why should I care??' and feeling apathetic or dismissive. I don't even feel empty.
The feeling here is annoyance and disappointment. It feels like a trap closer to home.. An ever changing trap -- the trap is Temporary, an Illusion itself.
Part of me just had enough with it, saying 'Screw this! Whatever the heck this is!..'
Lol, yeah... How to fricking explain this, eh? How does one express annoyance, disappointment, feeling trap from the self -- and whose thought says this is pointless and without despair or hopelessness involved??
Part of me is amused, but more like exprassed? Whatever that word was, I forgot. Amused, more like 'here-we-go-again-I'm-sick-of-this' sarcastic like amused.
Sigh, of course.
How the heck do I actually know if I'm going forward or backwards?!
Annoying. Annoying, annoying, annoying...
If this were a week ago or so, I would've exploded. But now???
Deep down I'm hell annoyed and disappointed really. But my mind says this is meaningless. Meaningless... All of this, whatever the heck 'I' am. Meaningless. Pointless.
Not the 'Why should I care??' and feeling apathetic or dismissive. I don't even feel empty.
The feeling here is annoyance and disappointment. It feels like a trap closer to home.. An ever changing trap -- the trap is Temporary, an Illusion itself.
Part of me just had enough with it, saying 'Screw this! Whatever the heck this is!..'
Lol, yeah... How to fricking explain this, eh? How does one express annoyance, disappointment, feeling trap from the self -- and whose thought says this is pointless and without despair or hopelessness involved??
Part of me is amused, but more like exprassed? Whatever that word was, I forgot. Amused, more like 'here-we-go-again-I'm-sick-of-this' sarcastic like amused.
I relate to this too well.
21 May 2019, 6:47 pm
sidetrack wrote:
Edna3362, if your reading this might I be at liberty to think that given past entries your Fillipino and that I speculate that given the accent the woman was as well..I am struggling to not make a conflation when it comes to annoyance, 'on-the-spectrum-peer' so let me say with no undertone of adversarial-ness that I am open to hearing your opinion or such.
I'll do my best to explain things I knew and saw, along with plenty of things that others had already provided me.
It's my birthday today, and I'm in a funny mood with caffeine.
Even without it, my writting gets confusing sometimes. So...Forgive me if some writen lines may not make sense, had incomplete contexts or had jumped off lines to another.
Though you could ask me for further clarifications if something gets confusing...
Part where this 'parasitic, remittance-hoarding opportunists' came from -- It seem that way on the surface.
While each individuals have their own motives -- both selfish and unselfish, the means for goal's the same. Obviously, the means of that goal is mainly their financial status.
And with that goal, seemingly mattered to them on a personal level, and without seeing anything else less relevant to that; including the availability of the foreign lands they're working at, the culture that they themselves had affected or influenced...
If they were to stay in their land of birth, they won't likely attain that end goal.
There can be many reasons why they'd suck dry somewhere else, because from where they used to live, there's nothing to suck dry to begin with -- it's just not sustainable 'here'.
Therefore these people move to places that could sustain.
And yet, there are many of them in one spot, and, well, you know what happens, yes?The pettiness -- from what I can see within this culture, it's laughable. You've seen plenty entries of aspies complaining about NTs on how they are loud, fake, do pointless stuff like small talk, etc. Etc. Some are just foreigners seeing another foreigner doing something pointless in their eyes, but in this case there's something else...
In Filipinos specifically, as far as I could see -- foreigners with lesser opinions of Filipinos are eeriely similar to NT-bashing aspies. Think NTs in general are too emotional? Too irrational? Too loud and gossipy? Yeah, I heard the same stuff from foreigners against Filipinos.
And, from what I could tell somehow, this culture has some real spiritual stuff - not religious of course! I meant the social good ones. Yet that stuff seem to die off or fade as the region goes more materialistic. Because of that, there's also something broken. It's like a.. A collective, abstract like scar.. Not sure how to explain. Specifically in this culture, it's from the Spanish colonization. But like any colonization, it gave some good, it gave some bad. Yet it seems in this case the bad likely outweighs the good the more materialistic the ideals goes.
There are solutions of course. Some worked, by, of course, from adapting concepts from other cultures to renouncing their culture altogether. And, even if it worked, that 'scar' is still there.. They'll express pity, contempt...
Tribalism -- yeah, it's very obvious if you look at it. Yet in-between cultures of NTs, it's just as any human thing really -- either they wanna feel 'home' to be safe to be belonged to, or hate their 'home' because their 'home' did nothing but held them back.
That's why, the obvious banding together all because they speak the same languages -- or not, because they knew this culture so much in a way they wouldn't like, they'll discriminate against those who speaks 'their' language instead.
There's already a kind of prejudice, a stigma somewhere in there. And like any repeated experiences whether direct or indirect, it's a generalization not easy to pause and stop thinking within this line, let alone get rid of.
sidetrack wrote:
...-how is that for self-hatred coming from the offspring of immigrants ?.
?.Something in this culture is just broken... I already said somewhere in this post why or somehow how... Access within the net, means the user's pretty close to a more modern setting. The more modern the setting, the more materialistic that setting would be. It gave many others a bad name.
On the net at large, kinda why Filipinos are known to be easy to troll, or that mentioning anything relevant to said culture would perk their interest and would comment stuff about 'pride'.
Well! As someone who knows what pride actually is, that 'pride' that many did is a closer thing to defence mechanisms of various kinds. Association seems very infamous in the net, projection too more especially in gaming.
Then translate this into real life... With the real means of actually migrating to another country, namely a more progressive, a more modern country.
There are exemptions of course. And these exemptions, if I could explain it somehow, are generally not affected by that 'scar' that corrupts the good social spiritual stuff, nor are 'triggered' into whatever's nasty like that self-loathing... I wish I could specify a bit, but this is an already long post.
And to myself alone? I'm pretty sure I'm far from the most experienced or even mature compared to many. It's just a pattern I kept seeing in humans, over and over and over...
This where at least a quarter of my mental rants came from.
The text forms just goes on this long. Some just spills just like this, certain many parts are just left in here in my head because I couldn't explain it well yet.
Why not as well rant something here after a long line of text for a reply?
A part of me is just impatient about this -- about this translation of thoughts and knowledge into a medium, a language that many could've more likely understand.
Heck, there's an autism blog that says it took her decades before able to explain things in words... And I'm very sure I had a much better start, but that doesn't guarantee the outcome if I could come closer to that point.
I could be regressing or something something losing levels of capacity for all I know for some reason, while external stress, internal pressure and age had nothing to do with it.
And I couldn't seem to make a rant that sounded like an angry rant if I'm not angry...
21 May 2019, 11:25 pm
Edna3362 wrote:
Forgive me if some writen lines may not make sense, had incomplete contexts or had jumped off lines to another.
Though you could ask me for further clarifications if something gets confusing...
Part where this 'parasitic, remittance-hoarding opportunists' came from -- It seem that way on the surface.
While each individuals have their own motives -- both selfish and unselfish, the means for goal's the same. Obviously, the means of that goal is mainly their financial status.
And with that goal, seemingly mattered to them on a personal level, and without seeing anything else less relevant to that; including the availability of the foreign lands they're working at, the culture that they themselves had affected or influenced...
If they were to stay in their land of birth, they won't likely attain that end goal.
There can be many reasons why they'd suck dry somewhere else, because from where they used to live, there's nothing to suck dry to begin with -- it's just not sustainable 'here'.
Therefore these people move to places that could sustain. And yet, there are many of them in one spot, and, well, you know what happens, yes?
The pettiness -- from what I can see within this culture, it's laughable. You've seen plenty entries of aspies complaining about NTs on how they are loud, fake, do pointless stuff like small talk, etc. Etc. Some are just foreigners seeing another foreigner doing something pointless in their eyes, but in this case there's something else...
In Filipinos specifically, as far as I could see -- foreigners with lesser opinions of Filipinos are eeriely similar to NT-bashing aspies. Think NTs in general are too emotional? Too irrational? Too loud and gossipy? Yeah, I heard the same stuff from foreigners against Filipinos.
And, from what I could tell somehow, this culture has some real spiritual stuff - not religious of course! I meant the social good ones. Yet that stuff seem to die off or fade as the region goes more materialistic. Because of that, there's also something broken. It's like a.. A collective, abstract like scar.. Not sure how to explain. Specifically in this culture, it's from the Spanish colonization. But like any colonization, it gave some good, it gave some bad. Yet it seems in this case the bad likely outweighs the good the more materialistic the ideals goes.
There are solutions of course. Some worked, by, of course, from adapting concepts from other cultures to renouncing their culture altogether. And, even if it worked, that 'scar' is still there.. They'll express pity, contempt...
Tribalism -- yeah, it's very obvious if you look at it. Yet in-between cultures of NTs, it's just as any human thing really -- either they wanna feel 'home' to be safe to be belonged to, or hate their 'home' because their 'home' did nothing but held them back.
That's why, the obvious banding together all because they speak the same languages -- or not, because they knew this culture so much in a way they wouldn't like, they'll discriminate against those who speaks 'their' language instead.
There's already a kind of prejudice, a stigma somewhere in there. And like any repeated experiences whether direct or indirect, it's a generalization not easy to pause and stop thinking within this line, let alone get rid of.
...
On the net at large, kinda why Filipinos are known to be easy to troll, or that mentioning anything relevant to said culture would perk their interest and would comment stuff about 'pride'.
Well! As someone who knows what pride actually is, that 'pride' that many did is a closer thing to defence mechanisms of various kinds[ Beautiful!]. Association seems very infamous in the net, projection too more especially in gaming.
Then translate this into real life... With the real means of actually migrating to another country, namely a more progressive, a more modern country.
There are exemptions of course. And these exemptions, if I could explain it somehow, are generally not affected by that 'scar' that corrupts the good social spiritual stuff, nor are 'triggered' into whatever's nasty like that self-loathing... I wish I could specify a bit, but this is an already long post.
And to myself alone? I'm pretty sure I'm far from the most experienced or even mature compared to many. It's just a pattern I kept seeing in humans, over and over and over...
This where at least a quarter of my mental rants came from.
The text forms just goes on this long. Some just spills just like this, certain many parts are just left in here in my head because I couldn't explain it well yet.
Why not as well rant something here after a long line of text for a reply?
A part of me is just impatient about this -- about this translation of thoughts and knowledge into a medium, a language that many could've more likely understand.
Heck, there's an autism blog that says it took her decades before able to explain things in words... And I'm very sure I had a much better start, but that doesn't guarantee the outcome if I could come closer to that point.
I could be regressing or something something losing levels of capacity for all I know for some reason, while external stress, internal pressure and age had nothing to do with it.
And I couldn't seem to make a rant that sounded like an angry rant if I'm not angry...
Though you could ask me for further clarifications if something gets confusing...
Part where this 'parasitic, remittance-hoarding opportunists' came from -- It seem that way on the surface.
While each individuals have their own motives -- both selfish and unselfish, the means for goal's the same. Obviously, the means of that goal is mainly their financial status.
And with that goal, seemingly mattered to them on a personal level, and without seeing anything else less relevant to that; including the availability of the foreign lands they're working at, the culture that they themselves had affected or influenced...
If they were to stay in their land of birth, they won't likely attain that end goal.
There can be many reasons why they'd suck dry somewhere else, because from where they used to live, there's nothing to suck dry to begin with -- it's just not sustainable 'here'.
Therefore these people move to places that could sustain.
And yet, there are many of them in one spot, and, well, you know what happens, yes?The pettiness -- from what I can see within this culture, it's laughable. You've seen plenty entries of aspies complaining about NTs on how they are loud, fake, do pointless stuff like small talk, etc. Etc. Some are just foreigners seeing another foreigner doing something pointless in their eyes, but in this case there's something else...
In Filipinos specifically, as far as I could see -- foreigners with lesser opinions of Filipinos are eeriely similar to NT-bashing aspies. Think NTs in general are too emotional? Too irrational? Too loud and gossipy? Yeah, I heard the same stuff from foreigners against Filipinos.
And, from what I could tell somehow, this culture has some real spiritual stuff - not religious of course! I meant the social good ones. Yet that stuff seem to die off or fade as the region goes more materialistic. Because of that, there's also something broken. It's like a.. A collective, abstract like scar.. Not sure how to explain. Specifically in this culture, it's from the Spanish colonization. But like any colonization, it gave some good, it gave some bad. Yet it seems in this case the bad likely outweighs the good the more materialistic the ideals goes.
There are solutions of course. Some worked, by, of course, from adapting concepts from other cultures to renouncing their culture altogether. And, even if it worked, that 'scar' is still there.. They'll express pity, contempt...
Tribalism -- yeah, it's very obvious if you look at it. Yet in-between cultures of NTs, it's just as any human thing really -- either they wanna feel 'home' to be safe to be belonged to, or hate their 'home' because their 'home' did nothing but held them back.
That's why, the obvious banding together all because they speak the same languages -- or not, because they knew this culture so much in a way they wouldn't like, they'll discriminate against those who speaks 'their' language instead.
There's already a kind of prejudice, a stigma somewhere in there. And like any repeated experiences whether direct or indirect, it's a generalization not easy to pause and stop thinking within this line, let alone get rid of.
...
On the net at large, kinda why Filipinos are known to be easy to troll, or that mentioning anything relevant to said culture would perk their interest and would comment stuff about 'pride'.
Well! As someone who knows what pride actually is, that 'pride' that many did is a closer thing to defence mechanisms of various kinds[ Beautiful!]. Association seems very infamous in the net, projection too more especially in gaming.
Then translate this into real life... With the real means of actually migrating to another country, namely a more progressive, a more modern country.
There are exemptions of course. And these exemptions, if I could explain it somehow, are generally not affected by that 'scar' that corrupts the good social spiritual stuff, nor are 'triggered' into whatever's nasty like that self-loathing... I wish I could specify a bit, but this is an already long post.
And to myself alone? I'm pretty sure I'm far from the most experienced or even mature compared to many. It's just a pattern I kept seeing in humans, over and over and over...
This where at least a quarter of my mental rants came from.
The text forms just goes on this long. Some just spills just like this, certain many parts are just left in here in my head because I couldn't explain it well yet.
Why not as well rant something here after a long line of text for a reply?
A part of me is just impatient about this -- about this translation of thoughts and knowledge into a medium, a language that many could've more likely understand.
Heck, there's an autism blog that says it took her decades before able to explain things in words... And I'm very sure I had a much better start, but that doesn't guarantee the outcome if I could come closer to that point.
I could be regressing or something something losing levels of capacity for all I know for some reason, while external stress, internal pressure and age had nothing to do with it.
And I couldn't seem to make a rant that sounded like an angry rant if I'm not angry...
I love it when you ppl hear me out to my c---y instances of not being assertive ^_^ -- happy b-lated.
I mean to p.m. you.
22 May 2019, 6:53 pm
22 May 2019, 7:34 pm
22 May 2019, 7:47 pm
Haha I told her recently on WhatsApp that she was an angel (it was a positive quote image about ppl who make the world better) and she said, 'Thats true.'
just nonchalantly like that
Idk if it says as much about immigrants as about Aspies and Autistic ppl
In real life I've never met an intentionally hurtful autistic person and I've met plenty of intentionally hurtful NT ppl
23 May 2019, 4:18 pm
sidetrack wrote:
I love it when you ppl hear me out to my c---y instances of not being assertive ^_^ -- happy b-lated.
I mean to p.m. you.
Ty.
23 May 2019, 5:02 pm
