Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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I am sorry to hear that KC died. It hurts a lot to lose a beloved pet. I used to have cats when I was a kid, and I was very sad & depressed when my cat died. It happened back in 1999, when I was 14 years old, and I just got my first cat since then only 4 days ago. That is funny that Arthur & Merlin both like to rough house.



My experience with speaking up in groups is similar to yours; I am getting somewhat more comfortable speaking up in groups because I have been putting in more effort to do it, but I am still very shy most of the time.



It is not easy to be on antidepressants, and I am glad that your Effexor is beginning to take effect. The longer you take it, the more effective it will work.



I understand what you mean. I can appear to be happier without actually feeling better. The main reason I do it is because I do not want any one to worry about me, and sometimes I just do not want to talk about my feelings, so I just try my best to look happier without truly feeling better.



Recently, I have noticed that no one else is posting on this topic any more, but I am still here for you, no matter what happens. 300 big dragon hugs.

I am still here even if I don't post often.

I was giving Dragons some space too.

Also, I think that you give Dragons some lovely support and I have nothing I could add to add as you are doing such a good job.

So I am still with Dragons in spirit and keeping a watchful dragon eye out

Yes, losing a pet is probably the hardest thing I've experienced. When I lost my leopard gecko, Fred, I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry for two days. That was four or five years ago, and I still miss her dearly (yes, Fred was a girl - I didn't want to name her until she was old enough for me to tell if she was a boy or a girl, and in the meantime, my mom started calling her Fred, and it stuck). I was a bit more functional when we lost KC since we knew it was coming for quite a while - she'd had kidney failure for a year or so and heart failure for a month or two - but it was still very hard.

Yep, I'm giving the Effexor a while to work - and I'm also being wary of side effects, since the horrible images I got from the Abilify didn't start until a month or so after I started taking it.

I do that sometimes, too, for the same reason. But recently, it's not been something I consciously do - I appear cheerful enough without even trying, despite still feeling pretty depressed, which is why I find it perplexing. But on the plus side, that probably means it's more likely that maybe the cheerful exterior will seep into my true feelings once I can really, truly feel emotions again.

Thank you very much. Big dragon hugs back to you

Thank you very much I figured people were maybe reading but not posting, or dealing with their own stuff, both of which are perfectly fine

How are you, Ms. Dragon?

The past few days I've been struggling quite a bit. I'm just exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally - I think being depressed for so long is really taking its toll on me. I'm just really ready to be done with this, one way or another.

I just wish you could indulge in your video games more. Enjoy life more.

Ha ha. You can't get rid of us that easily Dragons.

Glad you are finding the course a bit more useful - you are talking in a crowd of people and well done for that.

Sorry your therapist talks too much - they are supposed to listen and facilitate YOUR process. It drives me mad when I hear things like this.

Perhaps now you are finding your voice you can say to your therapist what you want ? Or put your fingers in your ears and start singing every time they speak - this should help them get the message.

I am still confident that your depression will eventually get better. I also believe that you will soon find a job & your own place to live. In the past, I thought that I would never get thru my depression, find a job, or live on my own. Things gradually got better for me, and I think the same thing will happen for you too.



How often do you have group therapy sessions? Do you feel that they are helping you at all?



I noticed that you have not mentioned your self-harm recently, so have you finally stopped hurting yourself?



Thanks again for the big dragon hugs. Big hugs back.

Sorry for the late reply, I've been struggling with words a fair bit recently and didn't feel up to responding. I have the group therapy sessions Monday through Friday, from 9 AM until noon. I think they've been helpful, but now they're repeating material that we already went over when I started the program, so I think I've reached the point now where I'm not getting much additional benefit from it.

I had been doing really well with the self-harm until recently - I hadn't deliberately hurt myself since I'd had my inpatient stay. But then a few days ago, I did self-harm again, and that reminded me how much I like to see myself bleed. I also feel like I have a very low tolerance for physical pain, and that it's a good thing that self-harm increases my pain tolerance - it seems almost like maybe I should be doing it.

I understand about you not wanting to reply; I often struggle with words myself. I am sorry that your group therapy sessions are no-longer helpful any more. Have you considered speaking with your therapist or the moderator of the group therapy sessions & explaining that you are not gaining anything from them any more? Maybe they could make some changes.



It makes me sad that your self-harm habit has returned. Do you still feel the same pleasure from intentionally hurting yourself that you got before? It may be something that you could discuss with the group, but if you are uncomfortable talking about it with the other patients in the group, then I also understand. I still worry that you could bleed to death by self-harming yourself.



300 more big hugs.

I talked to someone yesterday about it, and mentioned that I'm not really getting anything more out of the group sessions. Tomorrow is quite possibly going to be my last day doing the groups. I do still get pleasure from hurting myself and seeing myself bleed. It's not something I want to discuss in a group setting - I'd much rather talk about it with an individual therapist. I've only been making very small wounds recently - I don't think it would be possible to die from blood loss even if I hit a major artery from the little pinpricks I've been giving myself.

Sorry I haven't been posting much here, I'm starting to run out of things to say and I'm also afraid that I'll appear too clingy.(and my anxiety has been getting worse when it comes to saying things.)
Did the therapist and other people try to include you in the conversations? I figured in group therapy they would try to include everyone as much as possible. Manage to make any friends in the group therapy? Feel comfortable around anyone?

I really wish your self-harm habit would go away. With time & will power, I believe that you will stop hurting yourself.



Do you think that your medications are working at all? It may be too early to tell, but I think that eventually, you will find a combination of medications that work for you.



Do you still play with Merlin & Arthur, and do you get any pleasure from them at all? Do you still take Merlin out for walks? They can make you feel better, and at least temporarily bring you pleasure. Do you still do any chores & raking outside? Chores may give you something to do, even if they do not really distract you from your depression.



I am still here for you, and I want you to get better. Big hugs.

That's all right, I completely understand not being able to come up with anything/the right thing to say. You don't seem clingy to me, don't worry about that

I don't recall a specific effort being made to include me in the conversations, but after a few days I'd chime in if I had anything to say, although there were some topics, mostly personal ones, that I'd avoid. Probably if I hadn't been saying anything at all, I would have been asked what my thoughts were on things. I felt comfortable enough to share some things, at least, which is better than nothing. I didn't make any friends, but I don't think I'm really ready to handle in-person friendships right now anyway - I still need to deal with some other things first, like self-care and getting a job.

I'm kind of afraid it will just be a never-ending cycle. I'll be fine for a few weeks, months, maybe even a year, but then I'll start doing it again for one reason or another. My depression's kind of been the same way. I kind of feel like I'll never be completely free from this stuff

I do think my new medication is helping, although I'm hesitant to say it's for sure the right thing for me since the Abilify also helped at first, but then after a few weeks started losing effectiveness and then making things worse.

I do still get some joy from playing and cuddling with Merlin and Arthur, and you're right, that's at least something. Really the only chores I've been doing are taking care of myself and my pets (Merlin, my crested gecko Anders, and also some fish that were originally my dad's, but their care has mostly fallen to me), and I'm kind of trying to get my bedroom cleaned. Once the weather's not too cold or wet, I'll probably start addressing all the weeds in our garden (one side has nothing but weeds, the other has a few bushes at the back and a ton of weeds in front - it'll keep me busy for a few days at least, I'm sure). You're right about that, too - at least doing chores gives me something to do besides sit around dwelling on things, even if it doesn't succeed in getting my mind off it.