Rants

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Hello:

If I hadn't spent a good three hours on the above rant, I would not have bothered to post it given my difficulties, and if I had realized before I posted the first part that this stupid thing wouldn't let me post a second part of equal length for reasons beyond my understanding, I also would not have bothered to post it.

If you are not too annoyed with me to read about my anger, then the instructions aren't terribly complicated. Begin with the first of my now six posts that appear in a row. They are at least written in order. I did the best I could, and I did spend 20 minutes (as you can see by the time stamp) trying to make it so that I only had two posts. It just didn't work out.

anybody who is not angry, just isn't paying attention.

Top notch! You're booked - is once a week OK for you?


It's getting light and I still haven't crawled into bed, so I must resist that temptation right now - hence no more detailed comment. Obsessing over editing posts about obsessing over editing posts sounds like a grand project, I may have to pay a visit.

That was an epic rant! I hear you, and despise hypocrisy as well. You have to wonder what motivates someone to write an entire book on not letting autistics ruin your dinner party. Sounds a bit control freakish to me.

mau_tie,

This would make a great book on its own-a rebuttal piece to Attwood and Kingsley.

I feel like i'm hyperventilating because of the public speaking type class today. I hate this so much. And i'll be forced to do it for two more days. I bet everyone there would just see me as someone who shouldn't be there and just sneer at me. I hate this. I can't even study for tomorrow bc of anxiety. I can't understand what i read.

It's a conflicting life being a mod. It's no wonder that mods burn out here.

When you are a mod you are privy to a lot of private information about members - what they report and why , what they complain about , what they have been reprimanded for etc etc . You can build quite an accurate profile of a member with this information.

My rant is about the hypocrisy that some members post hoping that other members don't know there true feelings.

Maybe my rant is because I would love to call a few members out on their BS - but can't.

Maybe I'll keep a record of it all and post it in a huge rage quit when I've had enough of the manipulation and hypocrisy that goes on here.

If you think this post is aimed at you it's probably not aimed at you and just your anxiety , the members I'm on about don't give a f**k what others think of them unless they are trying to manipulate.

I've been a mod for about ten years now, but only on a teeny little coders' forum where I've probably had as much sh*t to deal with in the whole decade as you guys get in a day. But I have a fair idea of the kind of shennanigans that can go on behind the scenes, and I know damned well that I couldn't handle either the job in hand or the pressure half as well as any of you.

Hats off to you, mate; and to the rest of the team. It can be a f***ing thankless task sometimes; so thankyou!

(and yes, of course teeny little coders have their own forum, every minority has these days! )

I agree, April. Anxiety is stupid. I hate it. I wish there were no such thing as a sympathetic nervous system. It's obsolete* now that we're not being chased by tigers.

(I really, really want to say something nice and comforting, but someone who's ranting doesn't want to hear that, so the above is my version of comforting.)

*hyperbole

People who send emails expecting an immediate response really grind my gears. If they want an immediate response, they should call me and speak to me. Emails are for passing large volumes of detailed information, and text messages are for small talk once you have their attention. I wish people would get it right!

No, no it's actually comforted me! My parents tend to not take me seriously whenever i talk about my anxiety so it feels nice when someone acknowledges it. I'm considering dropping the course i mentioned anyway since i'm not thinking of working in that subject.

I'm replying to this with tachycardia, which I've had since last night when I read a post that didn't mention me at all, but because I think anything bad is aimed at me, I became absolutely terrified that I have unwittingly offended someone.

Since I'm someone who hates offending anyone, I don't think I'm going to get a normal resting heart rate or steady fingers until someone tells me that I am not a horrible person. Since you are specifically telling me that it's not me, you obviously expected that someone like me would suspect themselves of being addressed. Which I did. Unless it really is me.

Of all the things my brain does, I really wish it wouldn't do this. The phenomenon appears to be massively arrogant, but it's actually entirely fear-based and occurs in people who feel so badly about themselves that they are certain that if something, somewhere, went wrong, they're responsible. At least, that's how I feel, because I have so often been blamed for things I either didn't do or did by accident. I think other aspies feel that way, hypervigilant and what presents to others as hypersensitive. But really, I'm just terrified that all of you are going to hate me, and I'm looking for signs of disapproval and rejection wherever I possibly can. Ultimately, I have the courage to post this not because I need to know if SaveFerris is addressing me but because it's part of a greater problem. I hope people here don't know what I'm talking about, but if they do, it's pretty awful, and it warrants discussion. It's not relevant to this thread--this was only a very long response to someone else's rant, so if it shouldn't be here I apologize and perhaps someone with more knowledge of this site can assist me (if anyone actually wants to talk about it).

Didn't mean to get so wordy. Somehow always do...

I'm not in a position to clarify Ferris' rant, but you're way overreacting.

(((mau_tie))) This has been going on for years. It's not you.

My own rant: People who are so adept at manipulation that the moderators' only recourse is to post a cryptic rant about it, leaving the rest of us to wonder (a) did we do something wrong? - and (b) if not, who is out to get us?

This site will not allow me to post things of a certain length, so I cannot include quotes.

It is a response to the comment that said that I am way overreacting.

I hope you are trying to make me feel better, but that statement can actually be a very hurtful one, and this is what I was referring to when I said that people can appear to others to be hypersensitive. I understand that my reaction is not a logical one. If I hadn't, my post would have been much, much shorter. It might be nice to live in a delusional world in which I thought that my anxiety level was appropriate to the situation. But I know that it's not.

That is not the same as overreacting.

My reaction is based on my complex PTSD, which resulted from years of repeated trauma, which went unresolved and continued to pile up as time went by. I'm not unique; CPTSD is pretty common among the autistic population. Basically, I've had so many bad experiences with having been the cause of people's problems that I have become hyper-alert of my surroundings so that I can prevent this from happening again. My fear response turns on very easily.

My brain is responding with a natural physiological process based on what it perceives to be a threat to my safety. Having somebody tell me that I'm overreacting will not stop neurotransmitters and hormones from doing their job. My brain adapts by trying to reduce the stress. I mostly internalize and worry that something bad will happen and gradually settle when it doesn't. In this particular case, I am being brave and speaking up, and by describing my feelings, I hope I am helping others feel less alone and less ashamed.

Shame is generated by phrases like, "you're overreacting," and while I understand that they are intended to be innocuous words and I hold no ill will against you for saying them, they are demonstrative of a larger cultural problem. It's similar to the word "hypersensitive reactions" to describe our sensory differences. If I were to take on a different perspective (my own, which should be the only relevant perspective regarding my personal sensory intake), the level of sensitivity I display is appropriate to or very often less than what I feel, because I have to suppress what I feel, because other people do call me "hypersensitive". Being hypersensitive means I am wrong and this is my fault. Likewise, overreacting is considered wrong and my fault, when in reality, I am just a human being with a functioning adrenal system. My reaction should be expected based on my history of trauma and the fear response that forms as a result. A word like "overreacting" unintentionally shames a person, and if I didn't know better, this statement would have made me feel ashamed of myself.

Please don't think, redd_doghub, that this is a personal indictment on you. What you said is ubiquitous. People use it in all sorts of contexts, and they do not intend to give offense. While I can't actually know your intentions, I think you were helping me get back my reality, which is very thoughtful. I am only just recently seeing words and concepts in different ways and realizing that people have looked at me from one very specific perspective and that from another point of view, I'm not as bad as they think I am, and I'm not as bad as I think I am.

Haha! Thanks for warning me about part b. Didn't consider and yikes did I need to!