Rants

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i wonder what is the advantage of not being able to differentiate faces one sees and voices one hears?

Sitting in my home near Tel Aviv with bombs falling around me. Wishing that there was world peace, that politics and politicians and terrorism would become extinct. Not afraid for myself but so sad that violence always replaces dialogue and unity.

My parents don't believe in trans people.

I'm not sure if I'm dysphoric or not. I'm not sure if my anxiety is making me paranoid.

I used my chosen name online on a site where I thought I was anonymous and someone laughed at me. Then they referred to the county I live in.

Scary cos I never mentioned that on that site.

Also someone made fun of my drawings.

On other site where I say where I'm from & I've had my birth name people are ignoring me.

Idk if people are all watching me or if this is just my anxiety. Idk if they're following me from one site to the other.

Thing is I've made jokes on that site whose butt was something they didn't want it to be so now they might hate me. I'm in a CSC ffs. Celtic were the joke of the summer and I should be allowed to make jokes.

Also f**k them for not thinking Rod Stewart's trains and my drawings are cool.

Idk if I'm reading too much into it. They must be trans accepting to call me by his name but it's weird they used that name and spoke in that dialect. Not even a Celtic manager.

I really need to get down to the local CSC again so I know I'm cool with other Celtic fans.

I want to be known as my chosen name and thought of as a guy and I want to be stealth. It's basically impossible offline, I'm 4"11.

Noise, noise, noise! Kids and motorcycles. Motorcycles and kids.

People chatting is fine. Buses and lorries roaring by is fine. But kids shouting, whining, crying or even just speaking in their lispy, high-pitched voices just drive me mad.
Also with motorcycles. They zoom by and the loud, sharp noise of them vibrates the ground and it's just hard to ignore. Or cars with loud engines. They go by rather quietly then they backfire or make a sudden loud roaring noise when the driver changes gear.

after 4 wonderful, delicious, peaceful, quiet, perfect months, the a**hole is returning home today.

it's been so good to not have him here.

we cooperate so much better, things are where we put them, there is no bickering, we don't have to keep an eye on everything, the TV is off whenever we're not watching something, there's no loo queue, no one's in the way in the kitchen when we're cooking, no one's running past back and forth like a passive aggressive brat the moment we're trying to do something and move things around It's perfect when he's not here to spread his bad mood and be in the way and make noise, so much noise. He even manages to breathe loudly! How the shell do you do that??

I've been living 100% in the present these 4 months, soaking up every bit of it. enjoying it completely, not even wanting to waste time online or playing or reading, because being here and now is just so good!
It's been soooo great, and the truth is it always is when you're not here. The only times you have crossed my mind has been when I thought of something about you that annoys me. Like "how wonderful it is to not have TV on all the f*****g time" or "it's so peaceful to put something somewhere and know it's gonna be there when I go back". I never miss you.

I wish I could just live these past 4 months on repeat forever and ever and ever, even if it has to be including the gd cold that is still plaguing me. Thanks heavens I'm better now, I need to be healthy to endure your presence and noise, so much noise, no matter what you're doing, it's so much noise.

I'm irritated and very touch sensitive, grrr. Too much social energy used up, the less I socialise the more energy it takes out of me when I do it.
Not much of a rant, but better out than in.

So many things left unsaid. Not like what I have to say matters anyhow.

this cold isn't going anywhere soon. Both my mom and I caught this bug in medio Nov and it's persistent for both, getting really tired of it now
today has been all about coughing



my bank sending me (and countless others) nonsense letters about having to come there and be identified. They won't accept their own bank card as ID, only cards from other banks (which I don't have), driver's license (which I don't have), and current passport (mine expired years ago). The time limit has been expanded but not enough, as I won't be able to get a passport in time due to queues at the police to get passport.

This time and age makes everything that could have been easy much much harder. I hate this day and age


my mom's car broke down and needs repair, a costly procedure as usual


then was told that card used to pay for games on a sale online didn't work when the company tried to ( a serious company, I might add, no scammer), but there is nothing wrong with the card.
I'm not ordering those two games again at full price, that's for sure!


and everything happening at once so pretty stressed and fed up, there was more too, but whatev, CBB

no way of going anywhere without paying a taxi or uber which i dont have money for.
car broke down. don't know when it will be fixed.
have to rent, don't know how i will.

Just waiting for my feelings to pass. I'm tired and have nausea.

Stupid questions I have been asked, or stupid comments I've been told, from all different people, because I don't drink:-


"Why are you drinking orange juice instead of alcohol?"
- Because I am not a lover of getting drunk

"Have you not ever been drunk, not even once in your life?"
No because the thought of being drunk or having a hangover fills me with anxiety

"Do you have a religion/physical health problems/lack of money?"
No. I just choose not to drink.

"You're young - go out and get hammered!"
Is that what everybody is supposed to do when they're young?

"You're antisocial"
There are a thousand other ways to be social without having to be drunk

"How do you survive?"
Well, I'm quite open-minded, so I know that there is much more to life than being drunk"

"Don't you ever even have a glass of wine or champagne on Christmas day?"
Yes, I do. But that is different

"If you get drunk you won't have social anxiety"
But being drunk doesn't mean I will become the life and soul of the party. I might start behaving like a buffoon and no doubt people will video it

"Getting drunk is great - you don't know what you're missing!"
Going out to a noisy, rowdy place, loosening your tongue, not remembering what you did and then waking up the next day with a splitting headache and being sick is great? Is that all you like to do with your lives?

There's this girl I knew who once said that she was drinking these shots of this blue tequila drink outside this bar, and she threw up blue sick in the street. Then she went back in to the bar to have more shots. She thought it was great. It sounds gross and idiotic to me. But it seems to win her friends.

For as long as I live, I'll never understand the logic of getting drunk. Drinking in moderation, responsibly, is OK. But going out on the town on a weekend for the soul purpose of getting drunk is just beyond me and I don't understand why so many NTs find it so appealing.

I will never stop being stupid, so why try to improve, as it is useless???
Also why do bad people have brains, good life, skills, education etc when non-evil people don't?

if god is so powerful, why does he allow satan to run this world?