Rants

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I feel like I cannot tolerate my own mom... For some reasons likely not as obvious.

As much as I want harmony, I want space.
I'm deprived of space for too long.

Must I resort myself into anger and frustration? Must I resort a shove than a push?
Because I have a serious urge of wanting to get the hell away from her.
Even though I've known myself for having this longing of wanting to get away from everyone.

It's just getting worse... Whatever's calling me to get away is just getting worse every time it flares up.
And no one will ever get it. Even if I have an explanation for it, there won't be any understanding here. There's no clear logic to my desire, at least to them. What they'll see is entitlement or the idea of fleeing. I just want my damn space.

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Stupid things I get told by people about my emetophobia:-

"Nobody likes being sick"
Yes I understand that being sick is unpleasant for everyone but some of us have a crippling fear of being sick

"You're being silly/overreacting"
No I am not. Emetophobia affects me like a mental illness, so to me it IS a mental illness

"There are germs everywhere you go, so why are you worrying about people getting sick at work?"
My vomiting anxiety acts up more when I KNOW that someone in my environment is a potential carrier of a stomach bug or has the stomach bug, because I know that these stomach bugs are spread by direct contact with potential carriers

"You will become less afraid of vomiting if you expose yourself to it"
No, that's not how it works with me. I hadn't physically thrown up in 17 years then 2 years ago I threw up, and ever since my emetophobia has got WORSE

"You won't be sick if you only have one or two alcoholic drinks, on a full stomach"
I do sometimes have one or two but it doesn't particularly make me relaxed, and I get anxious that if I drink any more I might get hungover. I'll rather not chance it

"It's good to vomit, it means your body is getting rid of toxins"
To be truthful I'd actually rather die than vomit. And when death or suicide enters my thought process, it means that I my emetophobia IS a mental illness

"Just wash your hands to avoid catching the stomach flu"
The stomach flu can also be airborne, and also the virus can enter your body in ways you don't notice, even if you do stay hygienic

"Think of how the people with the stomach bug are feeling, not yourself"
I am generally a sympathetic person but my emetophobia can temporarily turn me into a callous and unsympathetic person, it's usually what fears, anxiety and stress does to you

"If you feel motion sickness, vomiting is the best cure"
Please. Don't. Just don't. I only hate feeling sick because I worry that I might be sick, and if I felt sick but knew it was impossible to be sick then I probably will tolerate feeling sick

"If you really had emetophobia you wouldn't be eating so much"
Emetophobia affects people in different ways, and while it sounds more logical for an emetophobe to avoid eating too much, with me it's the opposite. I feel more sick and queasy if my stomach is empty, so having a full tummy makes me feel a lot more comfortable and healthy and I hardly feel sick. I am scared to go too long without eating or at least drinking because I fear feeling sick. Hence why I gain the pounds

"Gross! TMI!!"
I'm sorry if I have to get graphic when explaining why I fear being sick, but I have to make you understand how bad vomiting feels for me. I struggle to burp, so bringing up solids and liquids is even WORSE

"The stomach bug will only last a day or two"
Sometimes I hear people saying that they threw up several times a day for over a week, from a stomach bug, not food poisoning. While I don't know how it's physically possible to throw up that much without dying of dehydration, if I did get a stomach bug I would be terrified that I'm going to be suffering with it for days or weeks

"You can't avoid hospital jobs all your life because of your fear, you have to face it"
*Gets a job in a hospital*
"You shouldn't be working here if you have a fear of vomit"

I hate needing love and attention so much. I hate getting crushes. I hate feelings. I'm always left alone at the end and i know i will always be. If i am meant to be alone i shouldn't have to need something more. I should just be content with my life and NOT need anything else. And i don't f*****g care if i apply for a new job and it turns out i am not qualified. I can't stand these feelings any longer it's suffocating.

Thank you, i'm starting to hate one of my few friends and it's making me hate myself too. I just want to exit both of their lives. I can't stand standing at the sidelines by acting happy for both of them. Because i never had anyone. I did everything i could for someone i loved but it was never enough.

I said I wanted my curry to be "spicy", not "mouth-searingly caustic"!

Why don't people realize that there is a wide-open field of flavors to be experienced? Why do chefs think that "Mild" means "Bland" and "Spicy" means "Let's see how far he can spit this one out"? What about something in-between?
And what is so damned funny about seeing someone spit into a napkin before reaching for his asthma inhaler?

I love a good curry dish, but the only way I can get one is to make it myself, and I don't often have the time.

Grrr!

Rant is that bad people get away with every smallest bad thing. Get everything too.

God doesn't care ? or delays 'punishment' yeah right.

They get everything and are believed and the tiniest problems of mine don't come up on their radar.

They are blessed, because they are bad. Dishonest. Cruel. Malicious. Take advantage unfairly. Slander. Manipulate and lie. Mislead. Etc.


That is what protects them. Virtue certainly doesn't.... the appearance of virtue is something they have mastered though.

How strange, whatever we are taught as kids is wrong in the 'real world'


since the 'real world' is operating on appearances and deceit, much of the time, and not only that.

AUTISM and real world? incompatible because THEY block us out.

not the other way round, that only comes after the fact (repeatedly). seeing this with my kid now. beautiful angel and no life worth living. relatives pull this nonsense, leave him out of everything, all words and no actual inclusion...


so hwo can i expect anyone else to treat him like a human that he is, though they dont seem to think so. he's actually superior to them in every way that matters.



and that I can never fit into the actual world of reality and people because:

my world is too different,
my background and way I think is too odd and never changes no matter how hard i try

and I will ALWAYS get picked on/hated/lied about/lied to/traumatized in the end


(traumatized may be a big word but it encompasses how badly it hurts me).

when one signs off on a L, or a marriage contract, one should be provided with pills to commit suicide if the need arises.
most people can navigate this world, because they were made for this world.

I want privacy, but I'm in a very intrusive culture.
I want to be in a quiet place, but I'm in a very loud culture.
I wanted order, but I'm in a very chaotic culture that doesn't seem to respect the boundaries.

Of course I'd be bound to be confused.
And of course, there's only so much I can afford before I snapped for being long overdue.



For years, I've been hiding things -- more like I prefer it hidden away from the world. I got nothing sketchy or shameful, I just want privacy and boundaries.
So I'd flat out told my mom I don't trust her, I don't trust the world -- that's why I kept insisting buying boxes, wanting locked boxes and keeping records coded. Because no one seems to take a damn hint, supposedly a social creatures' specialty, yes??

Of course as a parent that'll hurt. What else this household didn't understood though?
But I'm already overdue for YEARS. Over 2 decades. Yes, since I was 5 and I'm almost 25. This is just the first I've explicitly told.

In fact, I'd start explicitly telling things now because people around me refuses to be observant enough. I've been losing my patience.


I'm 'closed' off because there are no boundaries for myself.
Think simply leaving me alone is enough? No! I want to be AWAY from any form of 'share', in a space where I'm allowed to do anything as pleased without dancing around anyone else's contexts and needs.

I've been trying to adapt as much as I could, but one can only go as far and as long having specific needs and wants remained unfulfilled.



How could I trust the world this way?? When I cannot trust anyone with something so small...

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I'm alone and scared. I don't think i will be able to work. If i don't work i won't be able to have relationships and i will be left alone when my parents die. And when this happens what will i do when i have a break down? When i have Panic attacks, when my ocd is bad? I'm so scared, so scared of life.

I don't like my life, I remember when I was atheist but evolution makes life worthless, it makes me want to kill myself because I'm not "fully evolved", there's no denying It's a threat to my self-image.

Same emotions, same thoughts, same situations... Same places, same things had consumed, same outcome of sleep.
But different times -- different reactions, different behaviors, different outcomes...



How does one know one's self, if one's self itself cannot seem to make up it's mind?
Perhaps the very no-thing I've found is the real answer; there is no one's self.

If so, even to the point of not needing to state this as if it's a scripted fact or theory, to the very point of glimpsing it...
Why can I not let go? What am I missing? What do 'I' want?? I know a bigger part of myself is very bored and embraces this inconsistent self, but come on!!

Ridiculously impatient of me. It's been only 4-5 months.

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